Unseen Transformations

So today I begin week three of a ninety day workout and diet regimen that my husband and I have decided to undertake together. He has been working out for the past year and a half, using the P90X program and I have been trying to do my best to accommodate his diet needs in accordance with that program. There are a lot of differences in the menu's provided for each of the work out programs but the biggest difference, at least according to him, is the amount of calories he intakes on a daily basis. While he sometimes feels he is hungry due to the reduced intake of food, I, on the other hand, feel like I am always full to bursting. Going from one meal a day with an occasional snack to three very specific meals and a snack has been very trying for me and sometimes I feel nauseated over the very idea that soon I will have to eat. I am sure as my body begins to run more efficiently that this side effect will disappear, but as of right now, lunch awaits me in less than an hour and I am not so eager to indulge in it. I have always had this issue. I only eat when I am hungry. Logically I know that I should never feel hungry and that the very signal of hunger in my brain will cause my body to begin to store it's fat. However I just never saw the point of eating when my body was not telling me that I needed to.  This situation is more challenging to me than the actual work outs have been but I am confident that it is a temporary hurdle and that once I jump it, my body will just run more efficiently for me. My husband commented that he could tell the work out and diet program was helping him with his plateau as of late, and that he could notice a difference in the way his clothes were fitting him. I had admitted to him that I had not noticed such results in myself. My clothes do not feel any different to me. Perhaps as we get into the more intense work outs and my body begins to burn through the increased amount of fuel I am giving it this will change. I don't know. I wonder sometimes if I am just not pushing myself hard enough. I am sweating, winded and exhausted by the end of the work outs and I make sure I am doing every single exercise, but perhaps I could be doing them with more intensity now that I have the ever important form down. My husband says that he notices a difference in the way I carry myself and him and my daughter said that they both can see the changes in my body but until I can see it and feel it, does it really count? There are things I do notice, though, even if they are not reflective in the way my clothes fit or I see myself in the mirror. I notice that I sleep deeper, which is important for my fibromyalgia. Now this is not to say that I don't wake up numerous times during the night due to pain and just being uncomfortable, but I have an easier time getting back to sleep, which is huge for me. I have noticed that I am staying up later too and not quite so mentally exhausted after my day. This is a double edge sword at times, like last night when it was already 1:30am and I was still lying awake in bed and needing to get up at 7am. I hope that this evens out once my body has found its rhythm in this new lifestyle change. I also noticed that the first week I was incredibly sore after my work outs, especially the next day. It was to the point where I had to call upon all my will power to convince myself to go down and do them every evening. However last week, that soreness had lessened and I no longer contemplated my body's ability to make it through the exercises. I knew I was capable of doing them. Although I have a feeling that this week will be more like the first week all over again as the work outs change and become more intense with the second part of phase one, I also know that  if I can just get through the week, the following week will be easier for me, especially if these past two weeks are any indication. Maybe after these next two weeks and the completion of phase one I will see some actual physical differences. On the other hand, ,maybe I won't. Perhaps it is the changes that are happening within me that are taking the focus off what I see in the mirror and instead narrowing my vision to the changes that are truly transformative. Only time will tell at this point. For now, I am content that I am changing and will only continue to do so.
Namaste....be blessed.

I can. I am. I will.

Three days ago I made a decision. I was going to give myself ninety days of devotion. In this time I was going to concentrate on making myself healthy in every aspect of my being. To attend to my physical health I started a work out program with my husband that, at this moment in time, has my fibromyalgia and endometriosis trying desperately to convince my brain that I am not healing myself but hurting myself. In time,  I will convince it that this is simply not the case and that I am actually making it stronger and healthier.  Aside from that I am also trying to be more conscious about fueling my body better by drinking more water and eating healthier foods during the day. This has always been a task for me. If I am not hungry, I don't eat, and so normally I am only eating once a day at the very most, sometimes I eat once every couple of days instead.  I am working on this. Drinking more water is also something that has been very difficult for me. I had to drink copious amounts of it when I was pregnant for endless ultrasounds and I developed a gag reflex to the act of drinking it. In the last three days I have went from drinking none, to drinking almost 2 liters. I can overcome this and continue to increase the amounts of water I drink. I have also stopped smoking. This one is probably the hardest for me in the physical health category but, like the other steps I am taking, I am doing it, I can succeed and I will achieve my goals to have overall physical health. As you can see very clearly, I have defined the words I can, I am, and I will. This is part of how I am devoting my energy to my mental health. These simple words have become a litany for me when I am feeling discouraged, frustrated, overwhelmed or simply too tired to continue. I can do this, I am succeeding, I will be victorious in reaching my goal. I gave myself ninety days and already I have accomplished so much in the first three. Perhaps for some my conquests do not seem all that glorious, but for me they have been mountains I have struggled to climb in the past, that I am now slowly but surely scaling with determination. My emotional health is yet another area I am working on healing. This is perhaps the most injured of my aspects. Life has definitely thrown me some hard blows, as it does everyone, but because I did not see my own self worth and because my emotional self was not healthy, I allowed the negativity of the circumstances to define my emotional state. I lost sight of my own ability to heal myself. The first step in this process is forgiveness and I am working on letting go of the past so that I can be happy in the present and look forward to a future where I will be healthy and strong enough to face anything life has to throw my way with grace and poise. This process is not something that happens instantaneously. Even after my ninety days there will still be a lot of work to be done to end up where I see myself being. However these ninety days are  enough to become a new foundation to build on. I can be anything I want to be. I am taking steps towards a goal that I have set for myself. I will get there, no matter how many times I may have to ask for directions because I have stumbled off my path. I hope that each and every one of you remembers how truly powerful and remarkable you are. We are all capable of achieving greatness and overcoming the most difficult of situations as long as we remember those simple little words; I can. I am. I will.
Namaste

Duct Taping The Mouth Of My Inner Hyde

I am unsettled. It has been one of those morning so far where I am sitting back and thinking on who I am, what is important to me and where I go from here. There are so many changes I want to make yet even as I contemplate each and every one of them I am also remembering the last time I made these attempts without much success. So I sit and wonder where I went wrong on the previous tries so that I can figure out how to do it right this time. Perhaps that is half my battle. I am over thinking it all instead of just doing it. The curse of an Aquarian, I suppose, for we are the thinkers of the zodiac. This trait is very prominent in me, but like everything in life, there are advantages and disadvantages. I am always thinking and I am capable of great thoughts, ideas and philosophies. Unfortunately though, my thoughts are not always focused and productive and instead of helping me to discover amazing things about myself and how I can make my world a better place to live in, they do the opposite and consume me with negativity. Even as I write this, I am desperately trying to find a way to spin this thought in a more bright and positive direction but it is exhausting sometimes. I don't always feel like I have the energy to monitor every thought to find the motive behind it and the direction it will lead me in and so I stop caring about my thoughts and where they take me. It doesn't matter that logic is telling me how very detrimental this is to my over all well being. That one tiny piece of logic becomes lost within a sea of illogical emotion and when I am already feeling overwhelmed and exhausted it becomes easier for me to just let it get swallowed up than to swim through the mass of unproductive thoughts and float that one tiny productive thought to the surface so it can breathe. And again, even as I write this sad truth my thoughts are telling me that I if I want to see change I have to stop taking the easier road and work harder, followed quickly by the thought that I am not strong enough, not determined enough, not worth enough, to be able to succeed. With a constant Jekyll and Hyde movie being played out within my head, I feel defeated before I even begin. So how do I silence the unproductive thoughts so that I can hear the productive ones more clearly? Make the choice to only hear the productive ones. Sounds so simple, doesn't it? Yet the reality is that it is far from that. It is a continuing battle for me and I have to admit that I am always questioning whether or not it will ever become easier and whether there will ever come a time in my life where it will become such a routine and habit that my mind will automatically seek the positive thought and let it lead me. Perhaps if I give more, do more, be more. But there is just one problem with that. I am already struggling and I am not sure how I do that without once again becoming so overwhelmed and exhausted that this cycle continues to repeat itself over and over again. It is easy to have positive thoughts when all is right with the world, but at times like this, when we are bogged down and bone tired, it is a challenge and I am really trying very hard to process this and ride it through in a productive way by using this blog as one of the tools in my arsenal. One thought at a time, right?
Namaste.

Acting Like A Child....Not Always a Bad Thing

I am not sure, to be honest, if I have ever done a blog on this before. Today I have been having some issues with staying focused and positive. I am human...I err. As much as I love to post positive messages on social networks to help my friends and family stay positive when they might be feeling discouraged, I also post them there as a reminder to myself to stay on the path I am trying to make for myself. I posted a couple positive quotes today and I was taken aback by how the simplicity of the words carried such a deep and profound message. It had me thinking back to some of the stories from my childhood and the lessons they were providing. Then I started to wonder why, even though we have all read such stories as "The Little Engine That Could", "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" and the "Three Little Pigs", just to name a few, those lessons seemed to all but disappear as aged. We no longer think anything is possible, we forget to respect others and their property and do not apologize when we have wronged them because our own pride and sense of 'rightness" gets in the way of doing what is actually...right.These are decisions we all make at some point in time or another and are sometimes not the best thought out of plans. Makes one think of all the stories and the lesson they convey, doesn't it? And those are but three in a vast number of books written for children, to help mold them into thoughtful, respectful, compassionate, productive adults one day. It seems to me that it would do every person some good to go back and read the books from their childhoods and see if they have indeed, taken those lessons to heart as they have grown in age and experience. How many of us can truly say that we have managed to use those morals and ideals every step along our own paths and lead by example to the generations that will follow? I know that I have stumbled many times along the way. I have not always been respectful or mindful of those around me. I have not always taken responsibility for my actions or words. I have not always made the right decision and I certainly have not thought that I could do or be anything as long as I had that faith in myself. The lessons we are taught while young are suppose to grow in their convictions as we age and put them into practice. Instead, sadly, I find the opposite is true. They are looked at as fanciful and imaginative, not really part of  the real adult world in their simplistic natures. We expect our children to learn these lessons and take them with them through life, but how can they when they see that all their adult role models seem to have forgotten how to put those same lessons into practice? We lead by example and if we are not remembering our own lessons, they cannot be expected to remember the ones we are striving to teach them. I urge you all to think on the lessons taught to you through such "childish" stories and ask yourself: As an adult, have you truly learned and put into practices the lessons and messages those stories were written to offer or have you been too busy being an "adult" that you have forgotten the important role they were meant to take in your lives? I know that I have and it is something I will work hard to rectify.  I  will leave you all with a quote to ponder by none other than our favorite childhood bear, Winnie The Pooh: “I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost.”
Namaste

Two Flew Out Of The Cuckoo's Nest

Today marks yet another passage of time for me. My second daughter turned eighteen today, leaving only one left under my parental wing to guide and mold, hopefully into a well adjusted, functioning adult over the next four years of her teenage life. I must admit, I am not sure what to do with myself. I always had three girls and now I have one girl and two women. While my oldest still lives here with her boyfriend and infant son, my newly adult daughter moved out last week, making her the first birdie to leave Mama's nest. It was an incredibly emotional and difficult day for me. All my parental fears came flooding to the surface. I worried that I had not taught her enough, showed her enough or experienced enough with her. In the end, however, I had to accept that I had done the very best that I could do with the circumstances and tools at my disposal. I had to become at peace with that and that was perhaps that hardest thing to do. Or so I thought. Today, I realize that this day is the hardest thing I have to do.Today she is an adult and I have to now let go of the reins of authority and instead pick up the reins of friendship. Today I have to allow her to make her own mistakes and learn her own lessons without me there to try and cushion all the blows that life will deal her as she does these things. Today I have to trust...in her and everything my work over the last 18 years has taught her and trust that it has been enough. This is extremely hard for me. I have had my trust shattered and it has been a very long road back with many speed bumps and pot holes along the way. But for her, I will summon all my courage, all my will and strength and do just that...trust. We can't hold them forever. Eventually they grow up and have to fly on their own. It's a double edged sword. I am so beyond proud of the person she has become, the goals she has set for herself and succeeded at and I am looking forward to seeing what she does with her life and the lessons and morals I have taught her. But on the other hand, there is still that claws deep parental fear, the mama lion who needs to be able to protect her cub. I don't think we ever loose that as parents. We spend almost 2 decades of our lives teaching them, watching over them, guiding them and protecting them. We can't possibly  be expected to just shut that off one day because they have turned the age of adulthood. I made a lifelong commitment the day I brought each of them into this world and although there have been many rough patches I have managed to keep those commitments. I promised to protect them, love them, shelter them and educate them and I have worked hard and tirelessly to make sure those were promises I never broke. I hope in the eyes of my two young adults that I have succeeded and I hope that when my youngest becomes an adult that she will know that everything I have ever done has been to keep the promise that I made to her when she was born. It's really all we can hope as parents.
Namaste, be blessed.

Blessings in Abundance

There are many blessings in this world and yesterday I was able to add another to my endless repertoire. As  a Wiccan High Priestess, I was honored to be able to perform a Wiccaning for my grandson. Most grandmother's can only say they attended such a rite. I anointed, dedicated and blessed him, asked the Goddess and Gods to watch over him as he grows, learns and finds his own Path. His parents made their vows to him and his Goddess Parents were chosen and made their vows. After, he was passed around the Circle so that everyone might be able to give him their own personal blessings,  bestowing tidings and wishes for all that he might become. The energy of the ritual was astounding! There was so much love within my Circle that it stole the very breath from my lungs with it's power and intensity. A few times I had to repeat myself, caught up in the emotion of the occasion and the gratitude and appreciation for all of those who do not even share my beliefs but came regardless because of  and for him. As I looked around at the faces I knew that no matter what, he was going to be ok in life because he had a wealth of love and support. Afterwards we all came back into the house and feasted. The majority of the food I had made myself and I tried to instill the love I have for my grandson into everything I did as I planned, prepared and cooked. I am sure it came through on the flavors because everyone ate until their belly's were full to bursting. Conversations, joy and music filled every room of my house and it was yet another blessing. With the help of others, the occasion went off beautifully and seamlessly and I am ever grateful to those who came to my aid when they were needed. That too, was a blessing. As I sit here and think back on all the planning and preparations, the moments when stress tried to overturn my sense of purpose and all those people who were a part of making the day as special as it could possibly be for him, I cannot help but feel I have a vast ocean of richness in my life. I am so grateful. Everything was as it needed to be....and it was perfect:.
Namaste, be blessed.

Something old...something new

It has been a while since I have written. This line seems to be becoming quite a popular intro into my blogs as of late and although I wish I could find less occasion to use it, it still remains a true statement, at least right now. Life has been incredibly busy for me and I have just not had the time I wish I had to be able to sit and ponder the many things that go through my head on a minute by minute basis. Currently I am listening to a group of songs that seem to have wiggled their way into my very soul, making them impossible not to listen to at least once a day, if not more. Every time I listen to them, I hear different intricacies that draw my ear even more than the previous time I had listened. Guitar riffs buried ever so quietly under the haunting melodies of the female vocalist for Nightwish make me want to listen to the song over and over again to hear what else I had been missing. The sound of the hi-hat being played in just that right spot in concert with the growling vocals on an Otherwise track make me want to scream along with Adrian Patrick at the top of my lungs while a tragic lullaby by Angie Aparo makes my heart want to bleed with the message it brings. It is a spectrum of different messages, feelings and genre's that all seem to be playing to something within me at this point in time that is in need of some sort of healing or outlet that only music can provide. I am always amazed when I find something new in something so familiar. It's an awakening of sorts I suppose...finding the newness in something thought to be old or withered just by approaching it from a different perspective or in a different time frame. I would wager a guess that some of the awakening is due to how I have grown or changed as well as the path I am finding myself on at the time. It just stabilizes the notion that things are the way we perceive them to be and that nothing is really ever in a state of stasis. Nothing is unchangeable. Opinions, circumstances, people, paths...everything is subject to how we perceive them at the time. What was once considered a priority at one junction in our paths could very well become the things we toss aside to move forward  when we reach a  fork in our road  just as the things that were unimportant at one time  become the foundations of our new ideals and become the very things that motivate us, move us or soothe us during a future phase of our lives. Everything changes depending on all these different factors. Amazing. I hope you all find new things to love in things you have had forever and I also hope you learn to let go of the things that only clutter your future without adding to the bliss of it. I know that I am trying to do just that right now.
Namaste....be blessed