Sharing Little Treasures

I am a very private, concealed person for the most part and for that reason alone, there are not many people who truly know what some of my favorite things are in life. I tend to keep these little things as treasures and hide them away. I have my theories for why I do this. Mostly, I think, it is because I am afraid. I am afraid to let others know what I enjoy because I am afraid that once it is known, it will all disappear. So I enjoy them internally, rarely letting others see the extent of the joy they bring me. In keeping with my goal of dedicating the next 90 days to making myself healthier in all aspects of my being, I am now going to make myself a little vulnerable and share with any who will read this my secret little joys. Some of you will know some of these things because some of you I have trusted enough to share these things with. However, out of all I have told these things too, there will be but a small few who know the extent of the happiness they bring into my life and how much of a balm they are to my soul. So here they are, in no particular order, just as they come to mind.

The smiles from my children when I have done something for them that only I can do

The pride on my children's and grand children's faces when they accomplish or discover something for the very first time


The smell of fresh cut grass in the summertime

Laughter, in all it's forms, as long as it is from the heart. I love to be around people who laugh freely and with wild abandon, probably because I never give myself permission to do so.  My favorites are a baby's laugh and the "belly" laugh. So few can pull the latter off  genuinely that when I do get to hear it, I can't help but join in!

The color purple

The smell of cumin, which for some odd reason makes me think back to my childhood and the days of rollerskating. (Cumin smells just like Lloyds!)

Creating things. Whether it is writing, sewing, cooking, painting or any other medium, I love to create

Reading. For those who know me this may seem like a no brainer, because I am always reading. But how many of you know the joy I take in reading my favorite childhood stories to small children?

My family. Above all, this is my absolute favorite thing in the world, even when they are trying my patience!

A good cup of double bergamont earl grey tea

Hosting parties/celebrations/family dinners. Again, most know this about me already, but I am not sure they all know exactly how excited and purposeful it makes me feel.

Spinning Wheels by Blood Sweat and Tears and Puff The Magic Dragon. My mom used to lay in the bed beside me and rock herself to sleep while singing these to me when I was a small child taking a nap with her.

Music. From classical masterpieces to heavy metal, I love listening to and playing music. Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven, Life is Life by Opus and Prayer by Disturbed are a few favorites off the top of my head but I literally have thousands of songs I have fallen in love with over the years.

Singing. I love to sing at the top of my lungs when I am all alone (which rarely happens..lol.) or sing softly to a child that is sleeping on my chest. Personally, I don't really care if other people like the sound of  my voice or not. I enjoy singing and that is all that really matters to me

Owls, dragons, dragonflies and butterflies. I love these winged beauties and could watch them for hours!

Taking care of people when they are injured or ill. I am a healer by trade and by experience and I love to be able to nurse those who are sick or injured back to good health.

The poem "My Shadow" by Robert Louise Stevenson. My grandmother used to recite this to me when I was a small child. I can still hear her voice saying each line to this day.

My friends. Each one is unique and whether I see them daily, weekly or once every few years, my friends always hold a special place in my heart. I don't have many "true" friends, but the ones I do have I hold in high esteem.

Winter. Hands down my favorite season. I love the crispness that the cold temperatures bring to the air, the way the snow blankets everything it touches and watching the children play in it.

Drama movies. I have to have a story, something to catch my interest. As a writer, I am a storyteller and so I need some depth in the movies I choose to watch. Schindler's List, Things We Lost In The Fire, The Color Purple, Lovesong For Bobby Long, The Elephant Man; these are some of my favorite films.

A clean house/environment. I cannot relax or concentrate when things are in disarray around me.

A good dirty joke

People watching. I especially love watching the elderly. Whether they are in groups, in couples or alone, I love to see how they relate to the world around them. They have been around, seen so many things and have a lifetime worth of stories, experience and knowledge to share. The elderly and babies are probably my favorite social class of people.

As I said before, I am sure there are those of you who already knew of some of these and those of you who knew of a little more but I am not sure if you knew of the intensity to which my enthusiasm soared when experiencing these things. These are my personal little treasures, the things I can always find happiness in, no matter how troubled my day seems to be going. These are the vitamins of my soul. I ask that you all take a moment and think on the things that you like best in this world, especially on the days when you are feeling your worst. Enjoy your little treasures and share them with the world for in doing so, we make ourselves and this world a much better place to live.

Namaste....

Sharing For The Greater Good

I was browsing through the updates on various statuses and comments people had posted on a social networking site I am a member of this morning when I started to really think about the context of them all and how such things relate to the people and their views on life. For instance, I have a cousin in Ontario who is always posting things that make me laugh. They are often very sarcastic or ironic but always done through the medium of humor. I actually look forward to logging into the site to see what she has posted because I can always count on her status's to put a smile on my face, no matter how difficult or frustrating my day has been. Now, she is not the only one of my friends or family members that do this, for I have many which do, but I am using her as an example. Then there are the ones who are always posting things that are inspirational in nature. I am one such person as is my husband. Everyday when I log onto the site I go on the hunt for some moving quote that I can share with any who might need the inspirational messages to help them through their own difficult or frustrating days. I give great thought to the ones I choose and if even one person can change their day around and be moved by a message I have shared that day then I am truly blessed to have been instrumental in that process. These motivational or inspirational messages are something I personally feel should be shared. Anything that can make a person laugh, think in a new positive way or help them to feel spectacular or even just good about themselves or their abilities should be passed on and shared with the world around them. Then there are those who are lost within their own misery and although you love them to pieces, the things they decide to share with the world via the net are less than optimistic, less than positive or blissful and instead make the person reading them feel heavy. These are the people I want to just reach through the screen and shake because instead of focusing on the good things that they are blessed with or have accomplished, they are stuck in a position of only seeing/feeling/being negative. I am truly sorry for every ache and pain; physical, mental or otherwise, that each of my friends or family members are going through. If I had the power to change it for them, I would in a heartbeat. But I also do not see the benefit of announcing your trials and disappointments to the world like they are some sort of badge of honor unless you are asking for some sort of help,advice or support from those people. Asking for a hand in dealing with a negative situation is very commendable and takes great courage. Those are not the types of things I am speaking of here. I am talking about the people who never have anything positive to say about themselves or their lives and don't do anything to change it.  Everyone has challenges and issues. Some have more than others. No one on the planet is exempt. Showing everyone how negative you feel about your life, choices or circumstances is not going to help you to move forward and out of them. It just isn't. In fact, it will do just the opposite because no matter how much a person loves another person, they don't want to constantly be surrounded by another person's negativity because it just brings them down. Personally, I do not want to be the one who has caused my friends and family members to feel negative in any sort of fashion. I want to be the person that makes them feel good about themselves or gives them a reason to smile or laugh. This is the kind of thing we should all be looking to do when we are on these social sites. We should be trying to share our lives, not our little deaths. We should be hoping to share a laugh, a joke or some hilarious moment and not be hoping that someone will feel pity on us because our choices have left us in a less than perfect situation. We are living the lives we have chosen to live and if we are not happy with that, then we should work on changing it and not expect others to do it for us or coddle us for our errs in judgement. How hard would it really be to. instead of posting something along the lines of " life sucks because of ........", we would post " Life is awesome because of.....". I am sure every person can find one small thing that is good about their lives to concentrate on and just the act of focusing on that instead of the negative, has the power to change the way we view everything in our lives. I know that I would much rather read the latter than the former and I know that I am also trying very hard to be the person who posts the latter when I am feeling the former because it helps me to see things in a more positive light. If you are troubled, feeling down, isolated and need a pick me up, need to know that others care about you, then I am there to do my best to give you that. However, in the end, it is up to us. We may need a helping hand to stand, but we can begin to rise all on our own by how we approach each other and each day. I hope these words too have helped someone to see their own potential. Sometimes it is hard to hear such truths but I hope all who read this know that this comes from a place of love. I just want everyone I love to be happy, to feel fulfilled and like there is nothing in this world that can stop them from achieving whatever their hearts desire. The only thing that has that power is our own unwillingness to change the unhealthy habits into healthy successes. Only YOU can stop yourself. Only YOU can determine your life.
Namaste...be blessed everyone.

Unseen Transformations

So today I begin week three of a ninety day workout and diet regimen that my husband and I have decided to undertake together. He has been working out for the past year and a half, using the P90X program and I have been trying to do my best to accommodate his diet needs in accordance with that program. There are a lot of differences in the menu's provided for each of the work out programs but the biggest difference, at least according to him, is the amount of calories he intakes on a daily basis. While he sometimes feels he is hungry due to the reduced intake of food, I, on the other hand, feel like I am always full to bursting. Going from one meal a day with an occasional snack to three very specific meals and a snack has been very trying for me and sometimes I feel nauseated over the very idea that soon I will have to eat. I am sure as my body begins to run more efficiently that this side effect will disappear, but as of right now, lunch awaits me in less than an hour and I am not so eager to indulge in it. I have always had this issue. I only eat when I am hungry. Logically I know that I should never feel hungry and that the very signal of hunger in my brain will cause my body to begin to store it's fat. However I just never saw the point of eating when my body was not telling me that I needed to.  This situation is more challenging to me than the actual work outs have been but I am confident that it is a temporary hurdle and that once I jump it, my body will just run more efficiently for me. My husband commented that he could tell the work out and diet program was helping him with his plateau as of late, and that he could notice a difference in the way his clothes were fitting him. I had admitted to him that I had not noticed such results in myself. My clothes do not feel any different to me. Perhaps as we get into the more intense work outs and my body begins to burn through the increased amount of fuel I am giving it this will change. I don't know. I wonder sometimes if I am just not pushing myself hard enough. I am sweating, winded and exhausted by the end of the work outs and I make sure I am doing every single exercise, but perhaps I could be doing them with more intensity now that I have the ever important form down. My husband says that he notices a difference in the way I carry myself and him and my daughter said that they both can see the changes in my body but until I can see it and feel it, does it really count? There are things I do notice, though, even if they are not reflective in the way my clothes fit or I see myself in the mirror. I notice that I sleep deeper, which is important for my fibromyalgia. Now this is not to say that I don't wake up numerous times during the night due to pain and just being uncomfortable, but I have an easier time getting back to sleep, which is huge for me. I have noticed that I am staying up later too and not quite so mentally exhausted after my day. This is a double edge sword at times, like last night when it was already 1:30am and I was still lying awake in bed and needing to get up at 7am. I hope that this evens out once my body has found its rhythm in this new lifestyle change. I also noticed that the first week I was incredibly sore after my work outs, especially the next day. It was to the point where I had to call upon all my will power to convince myself to go down and do them every evening. However last week, that soreness had lessened and I no longer contemplated my body's ability to make it through the exercises. I knew I was capable of doing them. Although I have a feeling that this week will be more like the first week all over again as the work outs change and become more intense with the second part of phase one, I also know that  if I can just get through the week, the following week will be easier for me, especially if these past two weeks are any indication. Maybe after these next two weeks and the completion of phase one I will see some actual physical differences. On the other hand, ,maybe I won't. Perhaps it is the changes that are happening within me that are taking the focus off what I see in the mirror and instead narrowing my vision to the changes that are truly transformative. Only time will tell at this point. For now, I am content that I am changing and will only continue to do so.
Namaste....be blessed.

I can. I am. I will.

Three days ago I made a decision. I was going to give myself ninety days of devotion. In this time I was going to concentrate on making myself healthy in every aspect of my being. To attend to my physical health I started a work out program with my husband that, at this moment in time, has my fibromyalgia and endometriosis trying desperately to convince my brain that I am not healing myself but hurting myself. In time,  I will convince it that this is simply not the case and that I am actually making it stronger and healthier.  Aside from that I am also trying to be more conscious about fueling my body better by drinking more water and eating healthier foods during the day. This has always been a task for me. If I am not hungry, I don't eat, and so normally I am only eating once a day at the very most, sometimes I eat once every couple of days instead.  I am working on this. Drinking more water is also something that has been very difficult for me. I had to drink copious amounts of it when I was pregnant for endless ultrasounds and I developed a gag reflex to the act of drinking it. In the last three days I have went from drinking none, to drinking almost 2 liters. I can overcome this and continue to increase the amounts of water I drink. I have also stopped smoking. This one is probably the hardest for me in the physical health category but, like the other steps I am taking, I am doing it, I can succeed and I will achieve my goals to have overall physical health. As you can see very clearly, I have defined the words I can, I am, and I will. This is part of how I am devoting my energy to my mental health. These simple words have become a litany for me when I am feeling discouraged, frustrated, overwhelmed or simply too tired to continue. I can do this, I am succeeding, I will be victorious in reaching my goal. I gave myself ninety days and already I have accomplished so much in the first three. Perhaps for some my conquests do not seem all that glorious, but for me they have been mountains I have struggled to climb in the past, that I am now slowly but surely scaling with determination. My emotional health is yet another area I am working on healing. This is perhaps the most injured of my aspects. Life has definitely thrown me some hard blows, as it does everyone, but because I did not see my own self worth and because my emotional self was not healthy, I allowed the negativity of the circumstances to define my emotional state. I lost sight of my own ability to heal myself. The first step in this process is forgiveness and I am working on letting go of the past so that I can be happy in the present and look forward to a future where I will be healthy and strong enough to face anything life has to throw my way with grace and poise. This process is not something that happens instantaneously. Even after my ninety days there will still be a lot of work to be done to end up where I see myself being. However these ninety days are  enough to become a new foundation to build on. I can be anything I want to be. I am taking steps towards a goal that I have set for myself. I will get there, no matter how many times I may have to ask for directions because I have stumbled off my path. I hope that each and every one of you remembers how truly powerful and remarkable you are. We are all capable of achieving greatness and overcoming the most difficult of situations as long as we remember those simple little words; I can. I am. I will.
Namaste

Duct Taping The Mouth Of My Inner Hyde

I am unsettled. It has been one of those morning so far where I am sitting back and thinking on who I am, what is important to me and where I go from here. There are so many changes I want to make yet even as I contemplate each and every one of them I am also remembering the last time I made these attempts without much success. So I sit and wonder where I went wrong on the previous tries so that I can figure out how to do it right this time. Perhaps that is half my battle. I am over thinking it all instead of just doing it. The curse of an Aquarian, I suppose, for we are the thinkers of the zodiac. This trait is very prominent in me, but like everything in life, there are advantages and disadvantages. I am always thinking and I am capable of great thoughts, ideas and philosophies. Unfortunately though, my thoughts are not always focused and productive and instead of helping me to discover amazing things about myself and how I can make my world a better place to live in, they do the opposite and consume me with negativity. Even as I write this, I am desperately trying to find a way to spin this thought in a more bright and positive direction but it is exhausting sometimes. I don't always feel like I have the energy to monitor every thought to find the motive behind it and the direction it will lead me in and so I stop caring about my thoughts and where they take me. It doesn't matter that logic is telling me how very detrimental this is to my over all well being. That one tiny piece of logic becomes lost within a sea of illogical emotion and when I am already feeling overwhelmed and exhausted it becomes easier for me to just let it get swallowed up than to swim through the mass of unproductive thoughts and float that one tiny productive thought to the surface so it can breathe. And again, even as I write this sad truth my thoughts are telling me that I if I want to see change I have to stop taking the easier road and work harder, followed quickly by the thought that I am not strong enough, not determined enough, not worth enough, to be able to succeed. With a constant Jekyll and Hyde movie being played out within my head, I feel defeated before I even begin. So how do I silence the unproductive thoughts so that I can hear the productive ones more clearly? Make the choice to only hear the productive ones. Sounds so simple, doesn't it? Yet the reality is that it is far from that. It is a continuing battle for me and I have to admit that I am always questioning whether or not it will ever become easier and whether there will ever come a time in my life where it will become such a routine and habit that my mind will automatically seek the positive thought and let it lead me. Perhaps if I give more, do more, be more. But there is just one problem with that. I am already struggling and I am not sure how I do that without once again becoming so overwhelmed and exhausted that this cycle continues to repeat itself over and over again. It is easy to have positive thoughts when all is right with the world, but at times like this, when we are bogged down and bone tired, it is a challenge and I am really trying very hard to process this and ride it through in a productive way by using this blog as one of the tools in my arsenal. One thought at a time, right?
Namaste.

Acting Like A Child....Not Always a Bad Thing

I am not sure, to be honest, if I have ever done a blog on this before. Today I have been having some issues with staying focused and positive. I am human...I err. As much as I love to post positive messages on social networks to help my friends and family stay positive when they might be feeling discouraged, I also post them there as a reminder to myself to stay on the path I am trying to make for myself. I posted a couple positive quotes today and I was taken aback by how the simplicity of the words carried such a deep and profound message. It had me thinking back to some of the stories from my childhood and the lessons they were providing. Then I started to wonder why, even though we have all read such stories as "The Little Engine That Could", "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" and the "Three Little Pigs", just to name a few, those lessons seemed to all but disappear as aged. We no longer think anything is possible, we forget to respect others and their property and do not apologize when we have wronged them because our own pride and sense of 'rightness" gets in the way of doing what is actually...right.These are decisions we all make at some point in time or another and are sometimes not the best thought out of plans. Makes one think of all the stories and the lesson they convey, doesn't it? And those are but three in a vast number of books written for children, to help mold them into thoughtful, respectful, compassionate, productive adults one day. It seems to me that it would do every person some good to go back and read the books from their childhoods and see if they have indeed, taken those lessons to heart as they have grown in age and experience. How many of us can truly say that we have managed to use those morals and ideals every step along our own paths and lead by example to the generations that will follow? I know that I have stumbled many times along the way. I have not always been respectful or mindful of those around me. I have not always taken responsibility for my actions or words. I have not always made the right decision and I certainly have not thought that I could do or be anything as long as I had that faith in myself. The lessons we are taught while young are suppose to grow in their convictions as we age and put them into practice. Instead, sadly, I find the opposite is true. They are looked at as fanciful and imaginative, not really part of  the real adult world in their simplistic natures. We expect our children to learn these lessons and take them with them through life, but how can they when they see that all their adult role models seem to have forgotten how to put those same lessons into practice? We lead by example and if we are not remembering our own lessons, they cannot be expected to remember the ones we are striving to teach them. I urge you all to think on the lessons taught to you through such "childish" stories and ask yourself: As an adult, have you truly learned and put into practices the lessons and messages those stories were written to offer or have you been too busy being an "adult" that you have forgotten the important role they were meant to take in your lives? I know that I have and it is something I will work hard to rectify.  I  will leave you all with a quote to ponder by none other than our favorite childhood bear, Winnie The Pooh: “I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost.”
Namaste

Two Flew Out Of The Cuckoo's Nest

Today marks yet another passage of time for me. My second daughter turned eighteen today, leaving only one left under my parental wing to guide and mold, hopefully into a well adjusted, functioning adult over the next four years of her teenage life. I must admit, I am not sure what to do with myself. I always had three girls and now I have one girl and two women. While my oldest still lives here with her boyfriend and infant son, my newly adult daughter moved out last week, making her the first birdie to leave Mama's nest. It was an incredibly emotional and difficult day for me. All my parental fears came flooding to the surface. I worried that I had not taught her enough, showed her enough or experienced enough with her. In the end, however, I had to accept that I had done the very best that I could do with the circumstances and tools at my disposal. I had to become at peace with that and that was perhaps that hardest thing to do. Or so I thought. Today, I realize that this day is the hardest thing I have to do.Today she is an adult and I have to now let go of the reins of authority and instead pick up the reins of friendship. Today I have to allow her to make her own mistakes and learn her own lessons without me there to try and cushion all the blows that life will deal her as she does these things. Today I have to trust...in her and everything my work over the last 18 years has taught her and trust that it has been enough. This is extremely hard for me. I have had my trust shattered and it has been a very long road back with many speed bumps and pot holes along the way. But for her, I will summon all my courage, all my will and strength and do just that...trust. We can't hold them forever. Eventually they grow up and have to fly on their own. It's a double edged sword. I am so beyond proud of the person she has become, the goals she has set for herself and succeeded at and I am looking forward to seeing what she does with her life and the lessons and morals I have taught her. But on the other hand, there is still that claws deep parental fear, the mama lion who needs to be able to protect her cub. I don't think we ever loose that as parents. We spend almost 2 decades of our lives teaching them, watching over them, guiding them and protecting them. We can't possibly  be expected to just shut that off one day because they have turned the age of adulthood. I made a lifelong commitment the day I brought each of them into this world and although there have been many rough patches I have managed to keep those commitments. I promised to protect them, love them, shelter them and educate them and I have worked hard and tirelessly to make sure those were promises I never broke. I hope in the eyes of my two young adults that I have succeeded and I hope that when my youngest becomes an adult that she will know that everything I have ever done has been to keep the promise that I made to her when she was born. It's really all we can hope as parents.
Namaste, be blessed.