Superstitions and Sacred Celebrations

Blessed Samhain/Happy Hallowe'en! No matter what a person chooses to believe or buy in to, I am sure we can all agree that Samhain, pronounced Sow-en, is a time for celebration and excitement. For some, it is nothing more than a children's holiday, a chance to dress up in silly costumes and take the little ones out trick or treating, collecting the candies that will be responsible for next year's cavities. Others think it is a time for great parties, a chance to get together with friends and socialize while being able to express our more playful and childish sides. There are those who think it is nothing but a holiday meant to suck the money right out of the hard working pocket and then there are those to which tonight is celebrated with ritual and mysticism. I happen to belong to a little bit of the former categories and a whole lot of the last one. I am a Wiccan high Priestesss and tonight, for me and others with my beliefs, tonight is about honoring those who have passed before us and paying tribute to their spirits. Yes, you read me right, I..am a witch.. Being a witch has nothing to do with practicing TV/Movie magic, riding brooms, cursing the person who stole my parking spot or bespelling the cute guy down the street. I do not have a pet toad, I do not collect fetus's and I most certainly do not break the laws of man or the Universe. Being a witch is not something evil or sinister and it definitely does not mean I am in league with some devil person....in fact I do not even believe there is such a person. I do not believe in Heaven or Hell. I believe things to be neither good nor evil, instead owning that it up to each person as to how something will be perceived and accepted. I strive to live in balance in our world, respecting every plant, animal, person and idea. Each one of us has our own paths to walk and I try very hard not to press upon another individual my personal beliefs and choices in regards to spirituality or religious practices. I do hope to receive the same in return. There is a lot of misconceptions when it comes to Wicca or Paganism in general and to those who would truly like to understand it, I would do my best to answer your questions and curiosities. So,on this most magickal of nights for myself, I wish you all a Blessed Samhain, a Merry Celtic New Year and a Happy Hallowe'en...no matter how you choose to celebrate it!

Somebody's Watching

I, am a people watcher. I love to sit back and observe my environment and the people within in. It has always fascinated me to watch complete strangers and how they behave and  interact with one another and their environments when they don't realize someone is watching them. In those moments, even though we are strangers, I become a witness to their lives. Maybe some would not think that it is something special but I find it incredibly intimate. To be able to share in these passing moments with so many others who, for all intents and purposes, are complete strangers and to have my life touched and my perceptions changed just by the act of watching them...it is truly a remarkable thing.  I have seen the exchange of unconditional love between a parent and their child by the simple act of a hug or a smile, perhaps a laugh at something that was said or done. I have witnessed timeless respect and adoration between an elderly couple  who have spent their lives together and are more in love with each other in that moment than they have ever been before. I have seen new love bloom and old loves fade, new friendships formed and old friends reunited. I have watched siblings play, children learn and so many people enjoying all life has to offer them in those spans of time. Of course not all that I  have seen holds such bliss. I have also witnessed grief and loss, hurt and loneliness, betrayal and anger. I have seen pain, illness and too many broken spirits. I have seen a person contemplate their own moments of existence, another cry over a broken heart and still more struggle with the daily responsibilities of their lives. Our emotions are so personal to us. In those moments they are how we are defining ourselves.  How can watching those emotions manifest not be just as profound or humbling, as educational or painful? As I am often reminded, we do not live our lives in bubbles. Our actions, thoughts, words and deeds impact those around us, even if we don't realize it at the time. Perhaps this is a reminder to us all that we are never really alone, that there are those who are sharing our lives with us...even if it is in silence or from a distance. Perhaps that little bit of knowledge can help us to share our joy more willingly and shoulder the hardships of others for them a little more often. Perhaps just knowing someone is there, will make another's life feel that much more blessed.

To Be Or Not To Be Yourself

I had started to write about one thing and as it turns out, that must not be where my mind wanted to go because I kept stumbling about what should be said next. Perhaps it is just because I have yet to have my first cup of tea and that my eyes are still heavy and my brain a bit foggy from sleep. Whatever the reason is, the post that was going to be was obviously not meant to be...not today anyway. Today I am thinking about duality. How many people out there are not completely the person they really are? How many of us have this other side of who we are that for one reason or another can't or won't show itself to the world? I know that I have such a side and that for the time being anyway, that side rarely gets to come out and play.  I think everyone has these hidden sides to one degree or another. The person you are in a relationship was no doubt all sweet and trying to impress when you first met and now has sunk into this place of complacency where the trying to impress has been replaced with just trying to stay content. I am sure the trauma surgeon is not always thinking on their feet, making quick decision that alter the life of  the people they come in contact with and I am also sure that the court judge does not always sit there and judge everyone either. Everyone, I think, has an off and on switch, a time where they are one person and then another when their job or lives in general demand they be something else. My question is, how is one really suppose to know themselves, find themselves, discover themselves, when they can't just be themselves 24/7/365? It almost seems unfair to be handed such expectations but we get it from everyone all the time....just be yourself and everything will be ok. What if being yourself is not a good thing? Do we really want the mass murderer, or the serial rapist to be themselves? No..we want them to control those impulses, silence that part of their personalities.  In the end, although we tell people to be themselves, I am not sure the world really wants us to be. I think it wants us to be whatever it decides we should be for it's convenience and benefit.

Markings Of A Warrior

We all have scars. Some are physical, some emotional and some mental. Some scars remind us of bad times in our lives such as a traumatic experience, an accident or an injury. Some we bear with pride, knowing what they represent, the lessons they perhaps taught. Why is it that most people in this day and age see them as some sort of imperfection, something that needs to be covered or erased? Once upon a time, the scars we held were like a badge of honor. They proved our strength, our courage and our convictions. They showed the sacrifices we were willing to make. In my opinion, scars are beautiful no matter how a person has acquired them because every scar has a story to tell and it is those stories that really impress upon the world what we have really survived to be where we are.

There are the physical scars which when looking upon them give me an instantaneous memory of the events that caused them. I have one above my eyebrow where I was hit in the head with a 2 x 4 by an abusive partner. There is the one above my upper lip, small and thin now with the time that has passed, it tells the story of when I thought I was being oh so sneaky and tried to "borrow" my older brother's jeans and was rewarded by his dog protecting his property and biting me....I still laugh about that particular lesson to this day! There is the cigarette burn on my chest, another mark of abuse from my past and then there is the tiny little scar on my toe, from when my older sister, may she rest in peace,  had to get into the bathroom very quickly and my toe got hit with the bent corner of a vent cover in the process. The stretchmarks I have from carrying the lives of my children are yet more physical scars of remembrance for me as are the scars that took the  ability to have anymore children away from me out of medical necessity.

Then there are the scars that no one can see. The scars of our minds, hearts and sometimes our very souls. The ones that build our courage, our determination, our very character and behaviors. These are the ones that show us what we are truly made of, what we can overcome, rise above and survive. They are the reminders to us of the dark roads we take, the malignant people we have encountered, the dire circumstances we have found ourselves in and the lessons we have had to learn the hard way. I have many of these as well, as I am sure we all do. I carry scars from being brutally, violently raped as a child, scars from being abused verbally, physically, emotionally and mentally by a man I thought loved me. There are scars from being teased or being made the outcast during my teenage years and scars from loosing friends and gaining uncalled for enemies. I carry with me the  scars from the deaths of loved ones like the loss of my sister and my mom and the scars made from all the mistakes I feel I have made.

I have many scars which come in many forms and I wear every single one of them with pride for they are the story of my life and what I have made it through to get where I am standing. I am a survivor, a fighter and a warrior...and my beautiful scars are the markings that prove to myself and the world that I have made it through many battles and  I will continue to survive, to fight and to overcome everything I am faced with in my own stubborn, fierce way.

The first draft....

A very wise woman once told me..never stop writing..and so I am going to take her advice for once. I suppose I should start with the basics...who I am.  I am a mother, a wife, a soon to be grandmother,  a daughter, a sister, an aunt, great aunt, niece, cousin and friend. I am the maid, the medic, the librarian, the chef, the councilor, the playmate, the seamstress, the bank. I am the one who everyone needs a piece of, counts on, comes to and I love being all these things to all these different people. In my heart of hearts, I love being someone they all know they can rely on, depend on, lean on. There are times, though, when I would just love to be the one who gets to not listen, not do, not fix or supply or take care of. Today is one of those days. Today, my mind is busy. It is running though the myriad of things that I have kept shoving to the back of it, hoping that with time and distance it would somehow change my perceptions, my feelings, give me a new point of view so that I can process these things in a healthy manner that does not lead to the road of should of-would of-could of. Too often I end up down that road and it never amounts to progress. You can't change the past. You can only control what you do now, in this moment, to change your future. I know this. I believe this. But sometimes, sometimes it is so hard to actually follow this. Sometimes you just want to rant and rave, cry or scream, sit alone in a dark room and have your moment of self deprecating sorrow. Sometimes you just don't want to be a ray of sunshine because doing so is so exhausting!  It almost feels like hitting your head against a brick wall sometimes. Sometimes. But not all the time. There are those times when the world seems to lay itself at your feet. When unexpected things happen to put a smile across your face. Those are the times, I tell myself, that I am really living. Those are the times that makes the not so pleasant times more bearable. Those are the times when I can say to myself..it is worth it all..every sacrifice, tear, scream, sleep deprived night, exhausted day and moment of self doubt..it is worth it for this moment, this experience. Life is not all good, not all bad. It is not about whether you are lucky, it is about what you decide to make it. This..I also know. I also believe but this is also a concept that seems to be eluding me today. Instead of focusing on the positive, the things I want out of life, I find myself thinking about things that now I am without...people, circumstances, qualities I used to possess. I know I should be focusing on how to get back the things I feel are lost, finding a solution..making a plan..but that is just it. I don't know if all the things I am thinking about are things I should have back. I don't know if all of them add to my life or just give me something else to focus on so that I don't have to focus on the aspects of myself that I have been putting off looking at for so long.  How many of them are needed..wanted..desired to have just because? These are the questions I am currently filtering my back up of thoughts through. I have no more answers now than I had when I first started writing, but I do think that the very act of writing them out has somehow changed how I view them, which hopefully, fingers crossed, will help me to sort them out.  I am not sure what this blog will become. I am not sure if anyone will ever read it but what I am sure about is that today is just one day. Tomorrow is another day, a new beginning and a chance to maybe work out some of the kinks I am currently trying to process and put in it's proper place.