The first draft....

A very wise woman once told me..never stop writing..and so I am going to take her advice for once. I suppose I should start with the basics...who I am.  I am a mother, a wife, a soon to be grandmother,  a daughter, a sister, an aunt, great aunt, niece, cousin and friend. I am the maid, the medic, the librarian, the chef, the councilor, the playmate, the seamstress, the bank. I am the one who everyone needs a piece of, counts on, comes to and I love being all these things to all these different people. In my heart of hearts, I love being someone they all know they can rely on, depend on, lean on. There are times, though, when I would just love to be the one who gets to not listen, not do, not fix or supply or take care of. Today is one of those days. Today, my mind is busy. It is running though the myriad of things that I have kept shoving to the back of it, hoping that with time and distance it would somehow change my perceptions, my feelings, give me a new point of view so that I can process these things in a healthy manner that does not lead to the road of should of-would of-could of. Too often I end up down that road and it never amounts to progress. You can't change the past. You can only control what you do now, in this moment, to change your future. I know this. I believe this. But sometimes, sometimes it is so hard to actually follow this. Sometimes you just want to rant and rave, cry or scream, sit alone in a dark room and have your moment of self deprecating sorrow. Sometimes you just don't want to be a ray of sunshine because doing so is so exhausting!  It almost feels like hitting your head against a brick wall sometimes. Sometimes. But not all the time. There are those times when the world seems to lay itself at your feet. When unexpected things happen to put a smile across your face. Those are the times, I tell myself, that I am really living. Those are the times that makes the not so pleasant times more bearable. Those are the times when I can say to myself..it is worth it all..every sacrifice, tear, scream, sleep deprived night, exhausted day and moment of self doubt..it is worth it for this moment, this experience. Life is not all good, not all bad. It is not about whether you are lucky, it is about what you decide to make it. This..I also know. I also believe but this is also a concept that seems to be eluding me today. Instead of focusing on the positive, the things I want out of life, I find myself thinking about things that now I am without...people, circumstances, qualities I used to possess. I know I should be focusing on how to get back the things I feel are lost, finding a solution..making a plan..but that is just it. I don't know if all the things I am thinking about are things I should have back. I don't know if all of them add to my life or just give me something else to focus on so that I don't have to focus on the aspects of myself that I have been putting off looking at for so long.  How many of them are needed..wanted..desired to have just because? These are the questions I am currently filtering my back up of thoughts through. I have no more answers now than I had when I first started writing, but I do think that the very act of writing them out has somehow changed how I view them, which hopefully, fingers crossed, will help me to sort them out.  I am not sure what this blog will become. I am not sure if anyone will ever read it but what I am sure about is that today is just one day. Tomorrow is another day, a new beginning and a chance to maybe work out some of the kinks I am currently trying to process and put in it's proper place.