What I've Done... Apologies to Myself.

Good morning all. I hope everyone enjoyed their weekends. Today's quote is not really a quote but the entire lyrical content of a song that has become almost an anthem to me through various struggles I have had to overcome. 

"In this farewell, there’s no blood, there’s no alibi. ‘Cause I’ve drawn regret from the truth of a thousand lies. So let mercy come and wash away what I’ve done. I'll face myself. To cross out what I’ve become. Erase myself and let go of what I’ve done. Put to rest what you thought of me. While I clean this slate with the hands of uncertainty. So let mercy come and wash away what I've done. I'll face myself. To cross out what I've become. Erase myself and let go of what I've done. For what I’ve done, I start again and whatever pain may come, today this ends. I’m forgiving what I’ve done!!! I'll face myself. To cross out what I've become. Erase myself and let go of what I've done. What I’ve done. Forgiving what I’ve done". Linkin Park

It has been a very difficult past few days for me on an internal basis. I have made some choices lately that I have not been too proud of but felt trapped to do anything about. And then I remembered exactly who I was, what I have been through in my 34 years on this planet and exactly where my bloodlines come from.  I am not some weak soul, unprepared and with no concept of hard work or sacrifice. I know pain intimately, I am a fighter, a warrior in my own right and I have that stubborn Celtic backbone that will not let me be anything else. My cousin is always telling me that I am the leader of our Clan and it is about time that I remember that and act accordingly. It is funny, how one can draw on the strength of their heritage and their ancestors when they truly need it and I, for one, am ever so grateful for it. It has been what has made me stand tall when I feel the world is against me, what gives me my sense of pride, of belonging to something ancient and powerful. My connection with that history has taught me about the stock I am bred from and the will of iron that sits within me, to be called upon when I need that steel core to get me through the hard times. My family's heritage has seen such brutality in it's history but it has also seen great victories. Nothing, it seems, comes to us without a price and I suppose this is where my understanding of just what it is to be a part of this amazing blood takes hold. I have within me the same blood of those who were great. Kings, Chieftains, Clan leaders of such import to history. All of that resides in me, flows through my veins and strengthens me. I have the potential to be just as great, just as important to my future generations as they are to me. So then, why do I keep forgetting that? That is the question that has become the bane of my existence. Why do I keep forgetting who I am, where I come from, what I am made of and just how much I am capable of enduring? Because I am human and I make mistakes. When it feels as if the world is closing in on me, I get so overwhelmed that I am blinded by all the drama temporarily and I can't see the warrior sitting idle within my core, waiting to be called upon, to show her true strength. It is not until the dust has settled that I see her there, wondering why I didn't call her forth, confused at why I didn't use her in the manner she was created for. This, of course, unsettles me and I start to beat myself up for not using all the tools at my disposal, including my warriors spirit. Of course, there is nothing to be gained by this internal battle and so before long, I am apologizing to myself for not being the person I know that I am and making my vows to remember my strength, my will, my power and just exactly who I am. And so, as the song states, for what I've done..I start again and whatever pain may come, today this ends, I'm forgiving what I've done. It doesn't matter how many times I have to start again, how many times I have to forgive myself for the bad choices or decisions, for letting myself get side tracked, overwhelmed or any of the other numerous ways I tend to let myself be blinded.  The only thing that matters is that I do it.  I call upon that warrior within me, pick myself up and brush off my weapons and start once again to become the person I want to be. I hope all of you can use the warriors buried deep within you when the going gets tough...that is what they are there for, so use them and let them help you to be the best person you can be, no matter how many times you need to get back up.
Namaste