Thursday, 8 March 2012
Just To Breathe
It has been a little while since I have had the chance to sit and write. Life has been busy and there is a virus spreading its way through the population that has seemed to become attracted to me at this point in time. It has left me very tired as I try to keep up with all the requirements of my life. The multitude of relationships I am involved in, responsibilities of being a parent and a caregiver, the duties of being the one to keep the machine of house and family running as smoothly as possible, all while trying to battle the aches, pains, mental and emotional stresses of a couple chronic medical conditions can overwhelm and wear one out if there is no opportunity to break, to step back, to breathe or rest. Such as been the case for me as of late. Perhaps it is the added challenges of late that are not usually present such as this virus, upcoming events, unforeseen expenses but it has left me feeling as though I am running a marathon and although I am out of breathe, my lungs ablaze and my body screaming it's protests, I can't quite seem to catch up to a place where I can maintain an even pace. It is frustrating to say the least as many plans have had to be cancelled, commitments postponed, daily requirements done at half the capacity (if they are done at all), and the feelings over having to do all this start to swallow me. I have a habit of taking too much on at once and I can see where I have done it yet again, but what do I allow to dissolve in order to have that space to breathe? There are things that are not negotiable to remove such as my primary functions as mother, wife and grandmother and all the little things those roles involve. I can't quit my jobs either as it would send the family income into quite the tailspin. I don't want to have to dissolve relationships that hold meaning to me either. So where is the balance and what is worth the sacrifices to allow me to breathe? I am told I am never selfish enough when it comes to myself and perhaps that is true and so maybe now is the time to be a little more selfish about what I need. I don't know how much longer I can continue to wear myself into the ground this way without serious repercussions. I have to find the balance again. Have to find myself an air pocket within all the necessities of life. It is there, someplace...I just have to find it.
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Though it may not seem like it, I understand how you feel, my sister. It can feel overwhelming and completely out of our realm of capability to deal with all the things we expect from ourselves, and all the things we think others expect from us.
ReplyDeleteFor whatever it's worth to you, honey, maybe you could try learning to pick and choose what you accept. I know that goes against your nature - you're a very loving, compassionate, helpful person who tries to be all things to all people. But if you aren't taking care of your needs first, realistically, how can you truly administer to the needs of others?
I love you, my sister. Please know that. You are a deeply loving, caring soul, and I think maybe people take advantage of that because you aren't able to deny them. But please at least give some thought to how much of yourself you give, and when you give it. You need to care for yourself first - to make yourself your first priority - otherwise, you won't be able to be there for anyone else.
“Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away.” - Barbara De Angelis
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone My love. I am so proud of all that you've accomplished and all that you are. Let me know if there is anything you might need of me.
I love you.
Oh my what a power house you are!!!! you remind me of a harbor tug pushing pulling and sterring large ships in and out of port bring them gently up to and away from the dock. The tugboat gets very littel credit for it's work it dos not carry supplys or people and once it has brought a ship 100eds times it's sise and weight to port it silently moves off to do it all over again and again every day. The tug never gets to sail the open sea were you can set a course and not have to corect and manover for days at a time no your job is always at the controls makeing split seconed decisions gently bringing all the ships in and out of port the work is never done and the pace can not be slowed the only time that the tug gets noticed is if it's not there and then every one is upset because they can't get in or out of port and the shiping lanes are blocked they can't get fuel load or unload cargo. My wish for you is a nice sail on the open sea were you can lie out on deck and relax in the sun with nothing to do but eat drink and be merry if I can ever make that happen I would but in the mean time I am still doing the maid service thing and could at least do that for you
ReplyDeleteThank you everyone for your comments. They strengthen me :)
ReplyDelete