To Celebrate a Ghost

It is a hard thing, to lose a sibling you were so close with. It is a wound that never heals and sometimes begins to seep at the most unexpected times for time has no bearing on the heart. True time can ease the acute pain from the loss but it does not erase what has been and is still felt. Today is my sister's birthday and I miss her just as much today as I did the day she crossed into the boundary lands. Perhaps more so for life has changed so much since that day. I have tried to honor the promise I made her to care for her girls if anything ever happened to her. Now that they are both adults, one with a child of her own, I think I can safely say that to this date I have done so. It is a double edged knife though. One moment proud of what I have done in her name and proud of the people they are becoming and the next moment wishing that she could have been here to do it herself, to experience the things that I am experiencing in her stead. I have been standing in her shadow for them for the last 12 years and these moment can be hard to endure. Now, as I sit here wishing that I could call her to wish her a happy birthday, that I could plan a party for her or take her out to celebrate in some way, I am reminded of so many moments we shared together that, at the time, did not seem so monumental and important. These moments have remained the light within the darkness of my grief and I cherish them for the healing power they have become. They are my antidote when the sorrow threatens to overtake me. I can still see her smiling at me when I had my first baby and the pride that was one her face. I can still hear her laugh herself to tears and her voice as she told me of things that either pleased her or upset her. I can still feel the way she squeezed my hand for support when she had to stand tall for her girls during a difficult moment in their lives. I can still hear the way she cried when her heart was broken and hear the pleading in her voice as she looked to me to help soothe it. I can remember countless  moments where she was pulling pranks or telling jokes and just enjoying what life had given her. I can also remember moments where we were at each others throats, in total disagreement and threatened to never speak to each other again. Those moments  were typical sibling moments and never seemed to last for very long. No matter what though, I remember that when it counted, we were always there for each other in whatever capacity we needed to be. I remember her telling me she loved me and kissing me on the cheek a week before she passed away. That moment....that moment I believe her soul knew her fate even if she wasn't aware of it. All these little moments have forged themselves into the steel that is required to get through everyday without her and today is no exception. Today, as the tears pour down my face and my grief threatens to engulf me, I put my weight on these memories in the hopes that they will help me to stand tall as they do every other time I am missing her so much. Happy Birthday my sister...