Duct Taping The Mouth Of My Inner Hyde

I am unsettled. It has been one of those morning so far where I am sitting back and thinking on who I am, what is important to me and where I go from here. There are so many changes I want to make yet even as I contemplate each and every one of them I am also remembering the last time I made these attempts without much success. So I sit and wonder where I went wrong on the previous tries so that I can figure out how to do it right this time. Perhaps that is half my battle. I am over thinking it all instead of just doing it. The curse of an Aquarian, I suppose, for we are the thinkers of the zodiac. This trait is very prominent in me, but like everything in life, there are advantages and disadvantages. I am always thinking and I am capable of great thoughts, ideas and philosophies. Unfortunately though, my thoughts are not always focused and productive and instead of helping me to discover amazing things about myself and how I can make my world a better place to live in, they do the opposite and consume me with negativity. Even as I write this, I am desperately trying to find a way to spin this thought in a more bright and positive direction but it is exhausting sometimes. I don't always feel like I have the energy to monitor every thought to find the motive behind it and the direction it will lead me in and so I stop caring about my thoughts and where they take me. It doesn't matter that logic is telling me how very detrimental this is to my over all well being. That one tiny piece of logic becomes lost within a sea of illogical emotion and when I am already feeling overwhelmed and exhausted it becomes easier for me to just let it get swallowed up than to swim through the mass of unproductive thoughts and float that one tiny productive thought to the surface so it can breathe. And again, even as I write this sad truth my thoughts are telling me that I if I want to see change I have to stop taking the easier road and work harder, followed quickly by the thought that I am not strong enough, not determined enough, not worth enough, to be able to succeed. With a constant Jekyll and Hyde movie being played out within my head, I feel defeated before I even begin. So how do I silence the unproductive thoughts so that I can hear the productive ones more clearly? Make the choice to only hear the productive ones. Sounds so simple, doesn't it? Yet the reality is that it is far from that. It is a continuing battle for me and I have to admit that I am always questioning whether or not it will ever become easier and whether there will ever come a time in my life where it will become such a routine and habit that my mind will automatically seek the positive thought and let it lead me. Perhaps if I give more, do more, be more. But there is just one problem with that. I am already struggling and I am not sure how I do that without once again becoming so overwhelmed and exhausted that this cycle continues to repeat itself over and over again. It is easy to have positive thoughts when all is right with the world, but at times like this, when we are bogged down and bone tired, it is a challenge and I am really trying very hard to process this and ride it through in a productive way by using this blog as one of the tools in my arsenal. One thought at a time, right?
Namaste.