Uncertainty

It has been a long while since I have decided to blog. Mostly I just get absorbed in other things that are going on around me. I have been painting quite a bit lately, and so I guess that has become the outlet I have used to as of late to express the things that swirl around inside of me, demanding I give them a way out before they simply overwhelm me. I have a couple of paintings on the go right now but none of them are conducive for the thoughts that seem to be swamping me at the moment. I fear I would probably wreck their intent if I were to pick up a palette and brush and attempt to stroke away that which has been plaguing me. So, I come back to the outlet that is always waiting for me like a patient teacher. I come back to writing it all out, putting my mind on auto pilot and allowing my fingers to dance upon the keyboard.

I am sitting at a crossroads and although I know which fork in the road I am suppose to take, I am simply standing here, waiting until the designated time to take the first step down the pathway. The problem is, while I am standing here waiting, my fear and insecurities are coming up with these scenarios of what might be lurking just beyond what my eyes can see and it is causing me to panic. I know that, come tomorrow, when I have to take that step, that I will do so regardless of how I feel right now, and I suppose there is some measure of pride in that. But I also know that what comes next is difficult, that it is life changing and that it will completely alter the way I see myself from that point on. I had a bit of a meltdown last night over it all. I was looking at things and thinking to myself "This is the last time I will experience these things like this" and before long my tears started to flow. My husband told me that I am building these things up in my mind, allowing them to overwhelm me and blowing them out of proportion because I just don't know what will happen. My response to that was that he just needed to let me do it because it was how I was feeling and I needed to be allowed to to feel these things, irrational as they might be, so that I could get them out. He did just that and I'm grateful for it. I completely expect to have another meltdown tonight, probably a couple tomorrow and in the next few days because I don't know what will happen, I don't know how I will feel or how I will see myself and that uncertainty is what I am dreading the most. I am somewhat of a control freak and even though I am well aware that control is only an illusion, that there is really no way to control anything in this life, seeming to control simple things about myself has always helped me to get through the things I have no control over. Now, I feel like I don't even have that. I know I will get through this. I get through everything. But how will I view myself? How will those I chose to build my life with view me? What will be the challenges and how will I overcome them? So many unknowns, and they weigh so heavy on my thoughts today. As I often tell my husband when I am forced to face a difficult situation, I guess I'll just have to bite the bit and get on with it. There is no choice for me. The path I have chosen to take is one that I am counting on to change my life for the better in the long run and it scares me because I have placed so much stock in it. I always live by the "be prepared for the worst so that you can enjoy the best" philosophy and the "what if's" that come naturally with that need to be prepared for anything are a constant today. What if, after all of this, I'm no better off? What if, it doesn't change anything? What if, I can't look at myself in the mirror again and recognize the person staring back at me? I guess I'll have my answers tomorrow, after my feet meet the earth and I walk the path. I just want to be prepared for anything, so that I can have as much control over the situation as possible and right now, I feel like there is no way for me to do that because I just. don't. know.