Uncertainty

It has been a long while since I have decided to blog. Mostly I just get absorbed in other things that are going on around me. I have been painting quite a bit lately, and so I guess that has become the outlet I have used to as of late to express the things that swirl around inside of me, demanding I give them a way out before they simply overwhelm me. I have a couple of paintings on the go right now but none of them are conducive for the thoughts that seem to be swamping me at the moment. I fear I would probably wreck their intent if I were to pick up a palette and brush and attempt to stroke away that which has been plaguing me. So, I come back to the outlet that is always waiting for me like a patient teacher. I come back to writing it all out, putting my mind on auto pilot and allowing my fingers to dance upon the keyboard.

I am sitting at a crossroads and although I know which fork in the road I am suppose to take, I am simply standing here, waiting until the designated time to take the first step down the pathway. The problem is, while I am standing here waiting, my fear and insecurities are coming up with these scenarios of what might be lurking just beyond what my eyes can see and it is causing me to panic. I know that, come tomorrow, when I have to take that step, that I will do so regardless of how I feel right now, and I suppose there is some measure of pride in that. But I also know that what comes next is difficult, that it is life changing and that it will completely alter the way I see myself from that point on. I had a bit of a meltdown last night over it all. I was looking at things and thinking to myself "This is the last time I will experience these things like this" and before long my tears started to flow. My husband told me that I am building these things up in my mind, allowing them to overwhelm me and blowing them out of proportion because I just don't know what will happen. My response to that was that he just needed to let me do it because it was how I was feeling and I needed to be allowed to to feel these things, irrational as they might be, so that I could get them out. He did just that and I'm grateful for it. I completely expect to have another meltdown tonight, probably a couple tomorrow and in the next few days because I don't know what will happen, I don't know how I will feel or how I will see myself and that uncertainty is what I am dreading the most. I am somewhat of a control freak and even though I am well aware that control is only an illusion, that there is really no way to control anything in this life, seeming to control simple things about myself has always helped me to get through the things I have no control over. Now, I feel like I don't even have that. I know I will get through this. I get through everything. But how will I view myself? How will those I chose to build my life with view me? What will be the challenges and how will I overcome them? So many unknowns, and they weigh so heavy on my thoughts today. As I often tell my husband when I am forced to face a difficult situation, I guess I'll just have to bite the bit and get on with it. There is no choice for me. The path I have chosen to take is one that I am counting on to change my life for the better in the long run and it scares me because I have placed so much stock in it. I always live by the "be prepared for the worst so that you can enjoy the best" philosophy and the "what if's" that come naturally with that need to be prepared for anything are a constant today. What if, after all of this, I'm no better off? What if, it doesn't change anything? What if, I can't look at myself in the mirror again and recognize the person staring back at me? I guess I'll have my answers tomorrow, after my feet meet the earth and I walk the path. I just want to be prepared for anything, so that I can have as much control over the situation as possible and right now, I feel like there is no way for me to do that because I just. don't. know.

Wake Me Up

I apologize to any who actually check to see if there is something new posted here only to find that that isn't the case. Life has been a whirlwind of sorts lately and I have discovered that painting is a great outlet for me. If nothing else, it is teaching me invaluable lessons such as patience, focus, and the importance of setting aside time for it and for me, things I usually struggle with. As I sit here and wait for one of many canvases to dry, I decided that now was as good a time as any time put down some of the thoughts that seem to be floating around inside my head. For starters, there are mornings when I wake up with a song running through my head. That song seems to have a way of defining how my day is going to go. I do not know if this is a conscious action or not, but it just seems to be the case. Sometimes the songs tell me that I should not worry so much and just enjoy the day, such as when I woke to "Every Little Thing, Is Gonna Be Alright". Sometimes they tell me that my ability to stay positive is going to be challenged, like when "Break My Stride" was singing itself inside my head. Today, the song is "After The Rain" by Nelson. Right away I start asking myself "what is this telling me"?  It tells me that today is going to be a day filled with opportunities to let go of some of the things from the past that have been wearing on me. It is a chance to move forward in some aspect of my life that I have been subconsciously holding on to. I am not sure what it is that I will be letting go of, but I do know that when I awake to these singing telegrams of sorts, their messages never seem to lead me astray. When I look back upon my day as I fall asleep tonight, I will discover with an almost childlike wonder, the situation that caused me to be able to connect with that particular song's message. Even though this happens to me fairly often, it never stops amazing me at how it all seems to just...fit. I wonder how many people out there have similar things happen to them? I wonder if it happens to everyone but that only certain people have decided to tune into it? Whatever the case may be, I hope that those who are reading this blog today take note of my experiences and decide to tune into what their own minds may be trying to tell them about their lives. It is truly an awakening of sorts and can be such a beneficial and cathartic tool when we decide to use it.

Namaste everyone.

Bullying....a pandemic crisis set to rule the world

I have just finished reading an article about a teenage girl who committed suicide after posting her story of being bullied on Youtube. She is not the first one to ever do it, and at the rate things are going, unfortunately, she will not be the last. I hear it over and over again, kids taking their own lives because of the cruel actions of other people and it sickens me to know that the majority of the time, it is children and teenagers being so malicious. All I can think is what the hell is wrong with this world when the major pandemic facing it is not a physical disease like HIV but a wide scale case of psychopathy that is no where near as important a priority as it should be. Strong words, I know, but read the definitions and then think about the current discussion. We are talking about people, children/teenagers to be more specific, doing and saying heinous things which affect the lives of other children/teenagers to a degree which makes some decide to end their lives. These are the very people who are suppose to lead our nations one day. These are the people to whom my generation is counting on to be there for them, to be compassionate and understanding, to be just and to have integrity. These are the people to which the moral compass of our future will be set. Not the victims and survivors of this social disease but the bullies themselves. What a terrifying thought. In an era where we are growing and expanding in so many realms, we, as human beings, are becoming dark and ominous. A future doctor, one who is suppose to do everything medically possibly to help keep people alive, could very well be the same teenager whose actions caused another person to doubt the worth of their own existence. A future lawyer who is suppose to make sure that the scales are always balanced, that justice remains, could very well be the same person who once upon a time forced another child to hold still while others physically harmed them. The future politicians who are suppose to govern us, the future police who are suppose to keep us all safe; they could have silently stood within a crowd and watched as someone else was bullied and brutalized, never stepping forward or saying anything to help eradicate the situation. In my day and age, there was typical light hearted teasing. Very rarely did it escalate to such violent proportions. We knew there was a very thin line and we knew better than to ever come close to crossing it. I can't believe that in just one generation, it has deteriorated so much. Instead of working on human relationships and interactions, we are too busy checking out the latest computerized gadgets. We are so consumed with the era of technology  that we are forgetting the importance of strengthening the characters of those who will one day be in charge of it all. I hope people read this and take it to heart and that in my own small way, I have helped people become aware of the larger picture. I hope that all those who have been bullied as well as those who have lost loved ones to this crisis will all band together to help find a way to remove this threat from the future generations. If it can become so detrimental in one generation, surely it can be drastically improved in one generation as well.  To the bullies, I hope you can learn to channel the energy you put out harming others into more worthwhile causes whose actions aid in the advancement of humanity as a whole. One day you will learn that the world is a much better place when people are willing to help others. I pray that you learn this lesson sooner, rather than later.
Namaste, be blessed.

The Right Place at the Right Time

I cannot remember the last time I ever ran as fast as I did last night. I was in the kitchen, preparing the marinade for tonight's chicken dinner when me and my husband heard the screeching of tires followed quickly by the sound of crunching metal and shattering glass. We go outside onto the walkway to try and pin point where the sound came from. Off in the distance, a woman screams and we start to run. As I am running, I pass a few people who have stopped along the way, asking me if I know the people in the accident. I am too out of breath to answer, still running at full speed but thinking to myself "does that really matter?". I keep running, my bare feet pounding on the unforgiving concrete as I follow the long curve that is my street all the way around until I reach the end of the block. My husband is running in front of me and as my eyes quickly assess what I am seeing I start yelling at everyone "DON'T MOVE ANYONE!". I scan the cars quickly with my eyes and they seem to be empty, completely surrounded in a sea of broken glass, plastic and metal  but I notice there is an Indian woman lying on the grass, screaming, while a couple people try and talk to her.  I make my way to her, all but shoving the people there aside for it is clear to me that none of them have any sort of medical training. My hands come around her neck in a collar, bracing it from movement and I start to ask her questions, hoping she can understand the language I am speaking to her. I ask "where are you hurt", "can you feel your arms and legs", "can you breath ok". I want to check for injuries but the woman is rightly hysterical and every time I slip one of my hands away from her neck and head, she tries to sit up or move her head, so I keep my hands where they are, letting her body and movements, her terrified cries and the things she won't move, tell me where she is injured. Her neck, I palpate with gentle fingertips and I can feel a small break along the transverse process of one of her vertebrae just down from her shoulders. Her right side, back and kidney, she keeps trying to touch and soothe so I know there is damage and pain there. I don't know where this woman came from at this point and my fear is that she was walking and got hit as the other cars collided or that she was thrown from one of the vehicles that lay like  broken accordions in the intersection. I am talking to her as I make my mental notes, trying to calm her and let her know that she is safe and that help is on it's way. I am solely focused on her, her injuries and the scene before me. The woman continues to cry "oh mama" and begs someone to call her husband and mother. She starts talking about small children and a baby and I ask if there are kids in the car. Someone checks and I am relieved that there is no one there. From what I gathered, this woman had just had a baby not too long ago, judging by her still slightly pregnant-looking abdomen and milk engorged breasts, and that her mother had the kids and she was on her way there to get them. I assured her they would all be contacted, that she needed to concentrate on taking slow breaths. Help finally arrives and as the firemen on the scene come over and assess her, they ask me to stay where I am, immobilizing the neck and head so that more damage can be avoided. They ask if I am medically trained, most likely because of the expert way I am holding the woman and I tell them that I am a Massage Therapist. This seems to please the fireman, knowing that someone on the scene had some medical background. I continue to hold her as they place the collar on her neck, my thumbs brushing across her cheeks in a slow rhythmic circle, still trying to relax the woman who is in obvious pain and shock. The paramedics finally arrive and after what feels like an hour of kneeling on my knees on the glass covered grass and cement, I finally let go of my charge and allow them to step in. I step back, still surveying the scene to hear that someone had taken the woman out of the car. I was so angry! She never should have been moved like that. That is car accident triage rule #1. Never move someone without making sure that their neck and back is supported. Internal injuries and especially spinal and neck injuries are very dangerous things and upon hearing that she was moved, I start to worry for her more, worry that maybe something might not have been so bad if only I had gotten there to make sure she wasn't moved sooner. However, this is not the way it happened and I reacted to the scene in front of me. Once the woman was in the back of the ambulance I made my way home, my own fears over the car accident and the memories of my own car accident beginning to swamp me now that I was no longer needed and was free to just...process. I have always been amazed with how quickly and efficiently my mind can switch in a time of crisis and I take a lot of pride in knowing that I am not someone who will freeze under that sort of pressure. I assess and apply, my skills and intuition taking over where others stand gawking at the scene, afraid or unsure of what to do to help. Maybe I should have been a doctor or a paramedic or something. Maybe my next life I will do just that. For now, as I look down at my bruised knees and swollen ankles and feet and although I am still shaken up over seeing the cars, the woman and the trauma of it all, I can also honestly say that I am thankful. I am thankful I heard the accident, thankful that I could run so hard and fast in my bare feet amongst the broken glass and debris, thankful that I had the skills necessary to aid the woman/firemen/paramedics while they did their assessments and thankful that I was able to soothe her in some small way when she was so terrified. I am also very thankful that her injuries were not worse and that there was no fatality and that my own memories and fears didn't get in the way of me helping her, as my fears sometimes have a bad habit of doing. Last night was a crazy, adrenaline induced nightmare for the woman, the other driver and even myself, but today....today is a day to be thankful. Rayanika..I wish you a fast and speedy recovery and I pray that this experience will not stop you from driving and experiencing your independence the way it has done to me for so long. It is something I am trying very hard to get back.
Namaste...be blessed.

Practicing What I Preach

I am constantly spurting at the mouth; encouraging others to help themselves, to be less judgmental and more understanding and to take positive action instead of sitting on the sidelines when we see an opportunity to help someone out. This past weekend I had the chance to practice what I am always preaching and to put the countless advices that I am giving into action of my own, and let me tell you...it feels damn good. I was asked if I could spare a warm bed for a night for a man who was trying very hard to right some of the wrongs he had made in his life. I will freely admit that I was hesitant to have a complete stranger with such complications come into my home with my family but I did not let those fears outweigh the importance of doing the right thing, which in this case was providing a safe place to sleep for the night. I will never, I don't think, forget the look on his face and the waves of energy that were radiating off of him as he stood and watched my daughter and son in law make up the futon for him. His face revealed his humiliation that a man his age would need to ask this of a friend's parents, but at the same time you could see the utter gratitude he had. His emotions swamped me with such sadness, fear and struggle, yet again that quiet gratitude poured out of him. He was counting his blessings and although it was shaming him to have to count such a thing, he did not discount it. It was important to him to recognize and be thankful. Yesterday I fed him and provided the opportunity for him to take a hot shower. Once again, that gratitude overflowed and was almost tangible. It humbled me to be in the presence of someone who most would have turned away because of his troubled past and current challenges, but that was teaching me, just by his quiet appreciation, how to truly be grateful for the blessings I do have. We enjoyed a lot of conversation, my husband and him talking at great lengths about their interests and what they hoped for in the future. Our guest has been a sort of angel to us I suppose, coming into our lives to remind us of our blessings and the importance of giving to others without an expectation of getting anything in return.  I must confess though that I do feel as if I have been gifted. I have  extended my offer to let him stay until he could move into his apartment on the 15th of this month not because I felt obligated to do so but because I WANTED to do so. I was being presented with the opportunity to help change someone's life, even if it was in the most subtle of ways, and I knew that my decision to do so was truly appreciated by him, which made it that much more meaningful on both sides. Maybe this is a small thing for me, to let someone sleep on my futon, eat at my table and take a hot shower but for him....for him it is massive and something he counts as a blessing. So once again, I ask you all to look for the little ways you can help each other out. They may not always seem like life changing moments for you, but perhaps they are little miracles to the person on the receiving end.

Namaste...be blessed.

Sharing Little Treasures

I am a very private, concealed person for the most part and for that reason alone, there are not many people who truly know what some of my favorite things are in life. I tend to keep these little things as treasures and hide them away. I have my theories for why I do this. Mostly, I think, it is because I am afraid. I am afraid to let others know what I enjoy because I am afraid that once it is known, it will all disappear. So I enjoy them internally, rarely letting others see the extent of the joy they bring me. In keeping with my goal of dedicating the next 90 days to making myself healthier in all aspects of my being, I am now going to make myself a little vulnerable and share with any who will read this my secret little joys. Some of you will know some of these things because some of you I have trusted enough to share these things with. However, out of all I have told these things too, there will be but a small few who know the extent of the happiness they bring into my life and how much of a balm they are to my soul. So here they are, in no particular order, just as they come to mind.

The smiles from my children when I have done something for them that only I can do

The pride on my children's and grand children's faces when they accomplish or discover something for the very first time


The smell of fresh cut grass in the summertime

Laughter, in all it's forms, as long as it is from the heart. I love to be around people who laugh freely and with wild abandon, probably because I never give myself permission to do so.  My favorites are a baby's laugh and the "belly" laugh. So few can pull the latter off  genuinely that when I do get to hear it, I can't help but join in!

The color purple

The smell of cumin, which for some odd reason makes me think back to my childhood and the days of rollerskating. (Cumin smells just like Lloyds!)

Creating things. Whether it is writing, sewing, cooking, painting or any other medium, I love to create

Reading. For those who know me this may seem like a no brainer, because I am always reading. But how many of you know the joy I take in reading my favorite childhood stories to small children?

My family. Above all, this is my absolute favorite thing in the world, even when they are trying my patience!

A good cup of double bergamont earl grey tea

Hosting parties/celebrations/family dinners. Again, most know this about me already, but I am not sure they all know exactly how excited and purposeful it makes me feel.

Spinning Wheels by Blood Sweat and Tears and Puff The Magic Dragon. My mom used to lay in the bed beside me and rock herself to sleep while singing these to me when I was a small child taking a nap with her.

Music. From classical masterpieces to heavy metal, I love listening to and playing music. Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven, Life is Life by Opus and Prayer by Disturbed are a few favorites off the top of my head but I literally have thousands of songs I have fallen in love with over the years.

Singing. I love to sing at the top of my lungs when I am all alone (which rarely happens..lol.) or sing softly to a child that is sleeping on my chest. Personally, I don't really care if other people like the sound of  my voice or not. I enjoy singing and that is all that really matters to me

Owls, dragons, dragonflies and butterflies. I love these winged beauties and could watch them for hours!

Taking care of people when they are injured or ill. I am a healer by trade and by experience and I love to be able to nurse those who are sick or injured back to good health.

The poem "My Shadow" by Robert Louise Stevenson. My grandmother used to recite this to me when I was a small child. I can still hear her voice saying each line to this day.

My friends. Each one is unique and whether I see them daily, weekly or once every few years, my friends always hold a special place in my heart. I don't have many "true" friends, but the ones I do have I hold in high esteem.

Winter. Hands down my favorite season. I love the crispness that the cold temperatures bring to the air, the way the snow blankets everything it touches and watching the children play in it.

Drama movies. I have to have a story, something to catch my interest. As a writer, I am a storyteller and so I need some depth in the movies I choose to watch. Schindler's List, Things We Lost In The Fire, The Color Purple, Lovesong For Bobby Long, The Elephant Man; these are some of my favorite films.

A clean house/environment. I cannot relax or concentrate when things are in disarray around me.

A good dirty joke

People watching. I especially love watching the elderly. Whether they are in groups, in couples or alone, I love to see how they relate to the world around them. They have been around, seen so many things and have a lifetime worth of stories, experience and knowledge to share. The elderly and babies are probably my favorite social class of people.

As I said before, I am sure there are those of you who already knew of some of these and those of you who knew of a little more but I am not sure if you knew of the intensity to which my enthusiasm soared when experiencing these things. These are my personal little treasures, the things I can always find happiness in, no matter how troubled my day seems to be going. These are the vitamins of my soul. I ask that you all take a moment and think on the things that you like best in this world, especially on the days when you are feeling your worst. Enjoy your little treasures and share them with the world for in doing so, we make ourselves and this world a much better place to live.

Namaste....

Sharing For The Greater Good

I was browsing through the updates on various statuses and comments people had posted on a social networking site I am a member of this morning when I started to really think about the context of them all and how such things relate to the people and their views on life. For instance, I have a cousin in Ontario who is always posting things that make me laugh. They are often very sarcastic or ironic but always done through the medium of humor. I actually look forward to logging into the site to see what she has posted because I can always count on her status's to put a smile on my face, no matter how difficult or frustrating my day has been. Now, she is not the only one of my friends or family members that do this, for I have many which do, but I am using her as an example. Then there are the ones who are always posting things that are inspirational in nature. I am one such person as is my husband. Everyday when I log onto the site I go on the hunt for some moving quote that I can share with any who might need the inspirational messages to help them through their own difficult or frustrating days. I give great thought to the ones I choose and if even one person can change their day around and be moved by a message I have shared that day then I am truly blessed to have been instrumental in that process. These motivational or inspirational messages are something I personally feel should be shared. Anything that can make a person laugh, think in a new positive way or help them to feel spectacular or even just good about themselves or their abilities should be passed on and shared with the world around them. Then there are those who are lost within their own misery and although you love them to pieces, the things they decide to share with the world via the net are less than optimistic, less than positive or blissful and instead make the person reading them feel heavy. These are the people I want to just reach through the screen and shake because instead of focusing on the good things that they are blessed with or have accomplished, they are stuck in a position of only seeing/feeling/being negative. I am truly sorry for every ache and pain; physical, mental or otherwise, that each of my friends or family members are going through. If I had the power to change it for them, I would in a heartbeat. But I also do not see the benefit of announcing your trials and disappointments to the world like they are some sort of badge of honor unless you are asking for some sort of help,advice or support from those people. Asking for a hand in dealing with a negative situation is very commendable and takes great courage. Those are not the types of things I am speaking of here. I am talking about the people who never have anything positive to say about themselves or their lives and don't do anything to change it.  Everyone has challenges and issues. Some have more than others. No one on the planet is exempt. Showing everyone how negative you feel about your life, choices or circumstances is not going to help you to move forward and out of them. It just isn't. In fact, it will do just the opposite because no matter how much a person loves another person, they don't want to constantly be surrounded by another person's negativity because it just brings them down. Personally, I do not want to be the one who has caused my friends and family members to feel negative in any sort of fashion. I want to be the person that makes them feel good about themselves or gives them a reason to smile or laugh. This is the kind of thing we should all be looking to do when we are on these social sites. We should be trying to share our lives, not our little deaths. We should be hoping to share a laugh, a joke or some hilarious moment and not be hoping that someone will feel pity on us because our choices have left us in a less than perfect situation. We are living the lives we have chosen to live and if we are not happy with that, then we should work on changing it and not expect others to do it for us or coddle us for our errs in judgement. How hard would it really be to. instead of posting something along the lines of " life sucks because of ........", we would post " Life is awesome because of.....". I am sure every person can find one small thing that is good about their lives to concentrate on and just the act of focusing on that instead of the negative, has the power to change the way we view everything in our lives. I know that I would much rather read the latter than the former and I know that I am also trying very hard to be the person who posts the latter when I am feeling the former because it helps me to see things in a more positive light. If you are troubled, feeling down, isolated and need a pick me up, need to know that others care about you, then I am there to do my best to give you that. However, in the end, it is up to us. We may need a helping hand to stand, but we can begin to rise all on our own by how we approach each other and each day. I hope these words too have helped someone to see their own potential. Sometimes it is hard to hear such truths but I hope all who read this know that this comes from a place of love. I just want everyone I love to be happy, to feel fulfilled and like there is nothing in this world that can stop them from achieving whatever their hearts desire. The only thing that has that power is our own unwillingness to change the unhealthy habits into healthy successes. Only YOU can stop yourself. Only YOU can determine your life.
Namaste...be blessed everyone.