Wake Me Up

I apologize to any who actually check to see if there is something new posted here only to find that that isn't the case. Life has been a whirlwind of sorts lately and I have discovered that painting is a great outlet for me. If nothing else, it is teaching me invaluable lessons such as patience, focus, and the importance of setting aside time for it and for me, things I usually struggle with. As I sit here and wait for one of many canvases to dry, I decided that now was as good a time as any time put down some of the thoughts that seem to be floating around inside my head. For starters, there are mornings when I wake up with a song running through my head. That song seems to have a way of defining how my day is going to go. I do not know if this is a conscious action or not, but it just seems to be the case. Sometimes the songs tell me that I should not worry so much and just enjoy the day, such as when I woke to "Every Little Thing, Is Gonna Be Alright". Sometimes they tell me that my ability to stay positive is going to be challenged, like when "Break My Stride" was singing itself inside my head. Today, the song is "After The Rain" by Nelson. Right away I start asking myself "what is this telling me"?  It tells me that today is going to be a day filled with opportunities to let go of some of the things from the past that have been wearing on me. It is a chance to move forward in some aspect of my life that I have been subconsciously holding on to. I am not sure what it is that I will be letting go of, but I do know that when I awake to these singing telegrams of sorts, their messages never seem to lead me astray. When I look back upon my day as I fall asleep tonight, I will discover with an almost childlike wonder, the situation that caused me to be able to connect with that particular song's message. Even though this happens to me fairly often, it never stops amazing me at how it all seems to just...fit. I wonder how many people out there have similar things happen to them? I wonder if it happens to everyone but that only certain people have decided to tune into it? Whatever the case may be, I hope that those who are reading this blog today take note of my experiences and decide to tune into what their own minds may be trying to tell them about their lives. It is truly an awakening of sorts and can be such a beneficial and cathartic tool when we decide to use it.

Namaste everyone.

Bullying....a pandemic crisis set to rule the world

I have just finished reading an article about a teenage girl who committed suicide after posting her story of being bullied on Youtube. She is not the first one to ever do it, and at the rate things are going, unfortunately, she will not be the last. I hear it over and over again, kids taking their own lives because of the cruel actions of other people and it sickens me to know that the majority of the time, it is children and teenagers being so malicious. All I can think is what the hell is wrong with this world when the major pandemic facing it is not a physical disease like HIV but a wide scale case of psychopathy that is no where near as important a priority as it should be. Strong words, I know, but read the definitions and then think about the current discussion. We are talking about people, children/teenagers to be more specific, doing and saying heinous things which affect the lives of other children/teenagers to a degree which makes some decide to end their lives. These are the very people who are suppose to lead our nations one day. These are the people to whom my generation is counting on to be there for them, to be compassionate and understanding, to be just and to have integrity. These are the people to which the moral compass of our future will be set. Not the victims and survivors of this social disease but the bullies themselves. What a terrifying thought. In an era where we are growing and expanding in so many realms, we, as human beings, are becoming dark and ominous. A future doctor, one who is suppose to do everything medically possibly to help keep people alive, could very well be the same teenager whose actions caused another person to doubt the worth of their own existence. A future lawyer who is suppose to make sure that the scales are always balanced, that justice remains, could very well be the same person who once upon a time forced another child to hold still while others physically harmed them. The future politicians who are suppose to govern us, the future police who are suppose to keep us all safe; they could have silently stood within a crowd and watched as someone else was bullied and brutalized, never stepping forward or saying anything to help eradicate the situation. In my day and age, there was typical light hearted teasing. Very rarely did it escalate to such violent proportions. We knew there was a very thin line and we knew better than to ever come close to crossing it. I can't believe that in just one generation, it has deteriorated so much. Instead of working on human relationships and interactions, we are too busy checking out the latest computerized gadgets. We are so consumed with the era of technology  that we are forgetting the importance of strengthening the characters of those who will one day be in charge of it all. I hope people read this and take it to heart and that in my own small way, I have helped people become aware of the larger picture. I hope that all those who have been bullied as well as those who have lost loved ones to this crisis will all band together to help find a way to remove this threat from the future generations. If it can become so detrimental in one generation, surely it can be drastically improved in one generation as well.  To the bullies, I hope you can learn to channel the energy you put out harming others into more worthwhile causes whose actions aid in the advancement of humanity as a whole. One day you will learn that the world is a much better place when people are willing to help others. I pray that you learn this lesson sooner, rather than later.
Namaste, be blessed.

The Right Place at the Right Time

I cannot remember the last time I ever ran as fast as I did last night. I was in the kitchen, preparing the marinade for tonight's chicken dinner when me and my husband heard the screeching of tires followed quickly by the sound of crunching metal and shattering glass. We go outside onto the walkway to try and pin point where the sound came from. Off in the distance, a woman screams and we start to run. As I am running, I pass a few people who have stopped along the way, asking me if I know the people in the accident. I am too out of breath to answer, still running at full speed but thinking to myself "does that really matter?". I keep running, my bare feet pounding on the unforgiving concrete as I follow the long curve that is my street all the way around until I reach the end of the block. My husband is running in front of me and as my eyes quickly assess what I am seeing I start yelling at everyone "DON'T MOVE ANYONE!". I scan the cars quickly with my eyes and they seem to be empty, completely surrounded in a sea of broken glass, plastic and metal  but I notice there is an Indian woman lying on the grass, screaming, while a couple people try and talk to her.  I make my way to her, all but shoving the people there aside for it is clear to me that none of them have any sort of medical training. My hands come around her neck in a collar, bracing it from movement and I start to ask her questions, hoping she can understand the language I am speaking to her. I ask "where are you hurt", "can you feel your arms and legs", "can you breath ok". I want to check for injuries but the woman is rightly hysterical and every time I slip one of my hands away from her neck and head, she tries to sit up or move her head, so I keep my hands where they are, letting her body and movements, her terrified cries and the things she won't move, tell me where she is injured. Her neck, I palpate with gentle fingertips and I can feel a small break along the transverse process of one of her vertebrae just down from her shoulders. Her right side, back and kidney, she keeps trying to touch and soothe so I know there is damage and pain there. I don't know where this woman came from at this point and my fear is that she was walking and got hit as the other cars collided or that she was thrown from one of the vehicles that lay like  broken accordions in the intersection. I am talking to her as I make my mental notes, trying to calm her and let her know that she is safe and that help is on it's way. I am solely focused on her, her injuries and the scene before me. The woman continues to cry "oh mama" and begs someone to call her husband and mother. She starts talking about small children and a baby and I ask if there are kids in the car. Someone checks and I am relieved that there is no one there. From what I gathered, this woman had just had a baby not too long ago, judging by her still slightly pregnant-looking abdomen and milk engorged breasts, and that her mother had the kids and she was on her way there to get them. I assured her they would all be contacted, that she needed to concentrate on taking slow breaths. Help finally arrives and as the firemen on the scene come over and assess her, they ask me to stay where I am, immobilizing the neck and head so that more damage can be avoided. They ask if I am medically trained, most likely because of the expert way I am holding the woman and I tell them that I am a Massage Therapist. This seems to please the fireman, knowing that someone on the scene had some medical background. I continue to hold her as they place the collar on her neck, my thumbs brushing across her cheeks in a slow rhythmic circle, still trying to relax the woman who is in obvious pain and shock. The paramedics finally arrive and after what feels like an hour of kneeling on my knees on the glass covered grass and cement, I finally let go of my charge and allow them to step in. I step back, still surveying the scene to hear that someone had taken the woman out of the car. I was so angry! She never should have been moved like that. That is car accident triage rule #1. Never move someone without making sure that their neck and back is supported. Internal injuries and especially spinal and neck injuries are very dangerous things and upon hearing that she was moved, I start to worry for her more, worry that maybe something might not have been so bad if only I had gotten there to make sure she wasn't moved sooner. However, this is not the way it happened and I reacted to the scene in front of me. Once the woman was in the back of the ambulance I made my way home, my own fears over the car accident and the memories of my own car accident beginning to swamp me now that I was no longer needed and was free to just...process. I have always been amazed with how quickly and efficiently my mind can switch in a time of crisis and I take a lot of pride in knowing that I am not someone who will freeze under that sort of pressure. I assess and apply, my skills and intuition taking over where others stand gawking at the scene, afraid or unsure of what to do to help. Maybe I should have been a doctor or a paramedic or something. Maybe my next life I will do just that. For now, as I look down at my bruised knees and swollen ankles and feet and although I am still shaken up over seeing the cars, the woman and the trauma of it all, I can also honestly say that I am thankful. I am thankful I heard the accident, thankful that I could run so hard and fast in my bare feet amongst the broken glass and debris, thankful that I had the skills necessary to aid the woman/firemen/paramedics while they did their assessments and thankful that I was able to soothe her in some small way when she was so terrified. I am also very thankful that her injuries were not worse and that there was no fatality and that my own memories and fears didn't get in the way of me helping her, as my fears sometimes have a bad habit of doing. Last night was a crazy, adrenaline induced nightmare for the woman, the other driver and even myself, but today....today is a day to be thankful. Rayanika..I wish you a fast and speedy recovery and I pray that this experience will not stop you from driving and experiencing your independence the way it has done to me for so long. It is something I am trying very hard to get back.
Namaste...be blessed.

Practicing What I Preach

I am constantly spurting at the mouth; encouraging others to help themselves, to be less judgmental and more understanding and to take positive action instead of sitting on the sidelines when we see an opportunity to help someone out. This past weekend I had the chance to practice what I am always preaching and to put the countless advices that I am giving into action of my own, and let me tell you...it feels damn good. I was asked if I could spare a warm bed for a night for a man who was trying very hard to right some of the wrongs he had made in his life. I will freely admit that I was hesitant to have a complete stranger with such complications come into my home with my family but I did not let those fears outweigh the importance of doing the right thing, which in this case was providing a safe place to sleep for the night. I will never, I don't think, forget the look on his face and the waves of energy that were radiating off of him as he stood and watched my daughter and son in law make up the futon for him. His face revealed his humiliation that a man his age would need to ask this of a friend's parents, but at the same time you could see the utter gratitude he had. His emotions swamped me with such sadness, fear and struggle, yet again that quiet gratitude poured out of him. He was counting his blessings and although it was shaming him to have to count such a thing, he did not discount it. It was important to him to recognize and be thankful. Yesterday I fed him and provided the opportunity for him to take a hot shower. Once again, that gratitude overflowed and was almost tangible. It humbled me to be in the presence of someone who most would have turned away because of his troubled past and current challenges, but that was teaching me, just by his quiet appreciation, how to truly be grateful for the blessings I do have. We enjoyed a lot of conversation, my husband and him talking at great lengths about their interests and what they hoped for in the future. Our guest has been a sort of angel to us I suppose, coming into our lives to remind us of our blessings and the importance of giving to others without an expectation of getting anything in return.  I must confess though that I do feel as if I have been gifted. I have  extended my offer to let him stay until he could move into his apartment on the 15th of this month not because I felt obligated to do so but because I WANTED to do so. I was being presented with the opportunity to help change someone's life, even if it was in the most subtle of ways, and I knew that my decision to do so was truly appreciated by him, which made it that much more meaningful on both sides. Maybe this is a small thing for me, to let someone sleep on my futon, eat at my table and take a hot shower but for him....for him it is massive and something he counts as a blessing. So once again, I ask you all to look for the little ways you can help each other out. They may not always seem like life changing moments for you, but perhaps they are little miracles to the person on the receiving end.

Namaste...be blessed.

Sharing Little Treasures

I am a very private, concealed person for the most part and for that reason alone, there are not many people who truly know what some of my favorite things are in life. I tend to keep these little things as treasures and hide them away. I have my theories for why I do this. Mostly, I think, it is because I am afraid. I am afraid to let others know what I enjoy because I am afraid that once it is known, it will all disappear. So I enjoy them internally, rarely letting others see the extent of the joy they bring me. In keeping with my goal of dedicating the next 90 days to making myself healthier in all aspects of my being, I am now going to make myself a little vulnerable and share with any who will read this my secret little joys. Some of you will know some of these things because some of you I have trusted enough to share these things with. However, out of all I have told these things too, there will be but a small few who know the extent of the happiness they bring into my life and how much of a balm they are to my soul. So here they are, in no particular order, just as they come to mind.

The smiles from my children when I have done something for them that only I can do

The pride on my children's and grand children's faces when they accomplish or discover something for the very first time


The smell of fresh cut grass in the summertime

Laughter, in all it's forms, as long as it is from the heart. I love to be around people who laugh freely and with wild abandon, probably because I never give myself permission to do so.  My favorites are a baby's laugh and the "belly" laugh. So few can pull the latter off  genuinely that when I do get to hear it, I can't help but join in!

The color purple

The smell of cumin, which for some odd reason makes me think back to my childhood and the days of rollerskating. (Cumin smells just like Lloyds!)

Creating things. Whether it is writing, sewing, cooking, painting or any other medium, I love to create

Reading. For those who know me this may seem like a no brainer, because I am always reading. But how many of you know the joy I take in reading my favorite childhood stories to small children?

My family. Above all, this is my absolute favorite thing in the world, even when they are trying my patience!

A good cup of double bergamont earl grey tea

Hosting parties/celebrations/family dinners. Again, most know this about me already, but I am not sure they all know exactly how excited and purposeful it makes me feel.

Spinning Wheels by Blood Sweat and Tears and Puff The Magic Dragon. My mom used to lay in the bed beside me and rock herself to sleep while singing these to me when I was a small child taking a nap with her.

Music. From classical masterpieces to heavy metal, I love listening to and playing music. Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven, Life is Life by Opus and Prayer by Disturbed are a few favorites off the top of my head but I literally have thousands of songs I have fallen in love with over the years.

Singing. I love to sing at the top of my lungs when I am all alone (which rarely happens..lol.) or sing softly to a child that is sleeping on my chest. Personally, I don't really care if other people like the sound of  my voice or not. I enjoy singing and that is all that really matters to me

Owls, dragons, dragonflies and butterflies. I love these winged beauties and could watch them for hours!

Taking care of people when they are injured or ill. I am a healer by trade and by experience and I love to be able to nurse those who are sick or injured back to good health.

The poem "My Shadow" by Robert Louise Stevenson. My grandmother used to recite this to me when I was a small child. I can still hear her voice saying each line to this day.

My friends. Each one is unique and whether I see them daily, weekly or once every few years, my friends always hold a special place in my heart. I don't have many "true" friends, but the ones I do have I hold in high esteem.

Winter. Hands down my favorite season. I love the crispness that the cold temperatures bring to the air, the way the snow blankets everything it touches and watching the children play in it.

Drama movies. I have to have a story, something to catch my interest. As a writer, I am a storyteller and so I need some depth in the movies I choose to watch. Schindler's List, Things We Lost In The Fire, The Color Purple, Lovesong For Bobby Long, The Elephant Man; these are some of my favorite films.

A clean house/environment. I cannot relax or concentrate when things are in disarray around me.

A good dirty joke

People watching. I especially love watching the elderly. Whether they are in groups, in couples or alone, I love to see how they relate to the world around them. They have been around, seen so many things and have a lifetime worth of stories, experience and knowledge to share. The elderly and babies are probably my favorite social class of people.

As I said before, I am sure there are those of you who already knew of some of these and those of you who knew of a little more but I am not sure if you knew of the intensity to which my enthusiasm soared when experiencing these things. These are my personal little treasures, the things I can always find happiness in, no matter how troubled my day seems to be going. These are the vitamins of my soul. I ask that you all take a moment and think on the things that you like best in this world, especially on the days when you are feeling your worst. Enjoy your little treasures and share them with the world for in doing so, we make ourselves and this world a much better place to live.

Namaste....

Sharing For The Greater Good

I was browsing through the updates on various statuses and comments people had posted on a social networking site I am a member of this morning when I started to really think about the context of them all and how such things relate to the people and their views on life. For instance, I have a cousin in Ontario who is always posting things that make me laugh. They are often very sarcastic or ironic but always done through the medium of humor. I actually look forward to logging into the site to see what she has posted because I can always count on her status's to put a smile on my face, no matter how difficult or frustrating my day has been. Now, she is not the only one of my friends or family members that do this, for I have many which do, but I am using her as an example. Then there are the ones who are always posting things that are inspirational in nature. I am one such person as is my husband. Everyday when I log onto the site I go on the hunt for some moving quote that I can share with any who might need the inspirational messages to help them through their own difficult or frustrating days. I give great thought to the ones I choose and if even one person can change their day around and be moved by a message I have shared that day then I am truly blessed to have been instrumental in that process. These motivational or inspirational messages are something I personally feel should be shared. Anything that can make a person laugh, think in a new positive way or help them to feel spectacular or even just good about themselves or their abilities should be passed on and shared with the world around them. Then there are those who are lost within their own misery and although you love them to pieces, the things they decide to share with the world via the net are less than optimistic, less than positive or blissful and instead make the person reading them feel heavy. These are the people I want to just reach through the screen and shake because instead of focusing on the good things that they are blessed with or have accomplished, they are stuck in a position of only seeing/feeling/being negative. I am truly sorry for every ache and pain; physical, mental or otherwise, that each of my friends or family members are going through. If I had the power to change it for them, I would in a heartbeat. But I also do not see the benefit of announcing your trials and disappointments to the world like they are some sort of badge of honor unless you are asking for some sort of help,advice or support from those people. Asking for a hand in dealing with a negative situation is very commendable and takes great courage. Those are not the types of things I am speaking of here. I am talking about the people who never have anything positive to say about themselves or their lives and don't do anything to change it.  Everyone has challenges and issues. Some have more than others. No one on the planet is exempt. Showing everyone how negative you feel about your life, choices or circumstances is not going to help you to move forward and out of them. It just isn't. In fact, it will do just the opposite because no matter how much a person loves another person, they don't want to constantly be surrounded by another person's negativity because it just brings them down. Personally, I do not want to be the one who has caused my friends and family members to feel negative in any sort of fashion. I want to be the person that makes them feel good about themselves or gives them a reason to smile or laugh. This is the kind of thing we should all be looking to do when we are on these social sites. We should be trying to share our lives, not our little deaths. We should be hoping to share a laugh, a joke or some hilarious moment and not be hoping that someone will feel pity on us because our choices have left us in a less than perfect situation. We are living the lives we have chosen to live and if we are not happy with that, then we should work on changing it and not expect others to do it for us or coddle us for our errs in judgement. How hard would it really be to. instead of posting something along the lines of " life sucks because of ........", we would post " Life is awesome because of.....". I am sure every person can find one small thing that is good about their lives to concentrate on and just the act of focusing on that instead of the negative, has the power to change the way we view everything in our lives. I know that I would much rather read the latter than the former and I know that I am also trying very hard to be the person who posts the latter when I am feeling the former because it helps me to see things in a more positive light. If you are troubled, feeling down, isolated and need a pick me up, need to know that others care about you, then I am there to do my best to give you that. However, in the end, it is up to us. We may need a helping hand to stand, but we can begin to rise all on our own by how we approach each other and each day. I hope these words too have helped someone to see their own potential. Sometimes it is hard to hear such truths but I hope all who read this know that this comes from a place of love. I just want everyone I love to be happy, to feel fulfilled and like there is nothing in this world that can stop them from achieving whatever their hearts desire. The only thing that has that power is our own unwillingness to change the unhealthy habits into healthy successes. Only YOU can stop yourself. Only YOU can determine your life.
Namaste...be blessed everyone.

Unseen Transformations

So today I begin week three of a ninety day workout and diet regimen that my husband and I have decided to undertake together. He has been working out for the past year and a half, using the P90X program and I have been trying to do my best to accommodate his diet needs in accordance with that program. There are a lot of differences in the menu's provided for each of the work out programs but the biggest difference, at least according to him, is the amount of calories he intakes on a daily basis. While he sometimes feels he is hungry due to the reduced intake of food, I, on the other hand, feel like I am always full to bursting. Going from one meal a day with an occasional snack to three very specific meals and a snack has been very trying for me and sometimes I feel nauseated over the very idea that soon I will have to eat. I am sure as my body begins to run more efficiently that this side effect will disappear, but as of right now, lunch awaits me in less than an hour and I am not so eager to indulge in it. I have always had this issue. I only eat when I am hungry. Logically I know that I should never feel hungry and that the very signal of hunger in my brain will cause my body to begin to store it's fat. However I just never saw the point of eating when my body was not telling me that I needed to.  This situation is more challenging to me than the actual work outs have been but I am confident that it is a temporary hurdle and that once I jump it, my body will just run more efficiently for me. My husband commented that he could tell the work out and diet program was helping him with his plateau as of late, and that he could notice a difference in the way his clothes were fitting him. I had admitted to him that I had not noticed such results in myself. My clothes do not feel any different to me. Perhaps as we get into the more intense work outs and my body begins to burn through the increased amount of fuel I am giving it this will change. I don't know. I wonder sometimes if I am just not pushing myself hard enough. I am sweating, winded and exhausted by the end of the work outs and I make sure I am doing every single exercise, but perhaps I could be doing them with more intensity now that I have the ever important form down. My husband says that he notices a difference in the way I carry myself and him and my daughter said that they both can see the changes in my body but until I can see it and feel it, does it really count? There are things I do notice, though, even if they are not reflective in the way my clothes fit or I see myself in the mirror. I notice that I sleep deeper, which is important for my fibromyalgia. Now this is not to say that I don't wake up numerous times during the night due to pain and just being uncomfortable, but I have an easier time getting back to sleep, which is huge for me. I have noticed that I am staying up later too and not quite so mentally exhausted after my day. This is a double edge sword at times, like last night when it was already 1:30am and I was still lying awake in bed and needing to get up at 7am. I hope that this evens out once my body has found its rhythm in this new lifestyle change. I also noticed that the first week I was incredibly sore after my work outs, especially the next day. It was to the point where I had to call upon all my will power to convince myself to go down and do them every evening. However last week, that soreness had lessened and I no longer contemplated my body's ability to make it through the exercises. I knew I was capable of doing them. Although I have a feeling that this week will be more like the first week all over again as the work outs change and become more intense with the second part of phase one, I also know that  if I can just get through the week, the following week will be easier for me, especially if these past two weeks are any indication. Maybe after these next two weeks and the completion of phase one I will see some actual physical differences. On the other hand, ,maybe I won't. Perhaps it is the changes that are happening within me that are taking the focus off what I see in the mirror and instead narrowing my vision to the changes that are truly transformative. Only time will tell at this point. For now, I am content that I am changing and will only continue to do so.
Namaste....be blessed.

I can. I am. I will.

Three days ago I made a decision. I was going to give myself ninety days of devotion. In this time I was going to concentrate on making myself healthy in every aspect of my being. To attend to my physical health I started a work out program with my husband that, at this moment in time, has my fibromyalgia and endometriosis trying desperately to convince my brain that I am not healing myself but hurting myself. In time,  I will convince it that this is simply not the case and that I am actually making it stronger and healthier.  Aside from that I am also trying to be more conscious about fueling my body better by drinking more water and eating healthier foods during the day. This has always been a task for me. If I am not hungry, I don't eat, and so normally I am only eating once a day at the very most, sometimes I eat once every couple of days instead.  I am working on this. Drinking more water is also something that has been very difficult for me. I had to drink copious amounts of it when I was pregnant for endless ultrasounds and I developed a gag reflex to the act of drinking it. In the last three days I have went from drinking none, to drinking almost 2 liters. I can overcome this and continue to increase the amounts of water I drink. I have also stopped smoking. This one is probably the hardest for me in the physical health category but, like the other steps I am taking, I am doing it, I can succeed and I will achieve my goals to have overall physical health. As you can see very clearly, I have defined the words I can, I am, and I will. This is part of how I am devoting my energy to my mental health. These simple words have become a litany for me when I am feeling discouraged, frustrated, overwhelmed or simply too tired to continue. I can do this, I am succeeding, I will be victorious in reaching my goal. I gave myself ninety days and already I have accomplished so much in the first three. Perhaps for some my conquests do not seem all that glorious, but for me they have been mountains I have struggled to climb in the past, that I am now slowly but surely scaling with determination. My emotional health is yet another area I am working on healing. This is perhaps the most injured of my aspects. Life has definitely thrown me some hard blows, as it does everyone, but because I did not see my own self worth and because my emotional self was not healthy, I allowed the negativity of the circumstances to define my emotional state. I lost sight of my own ability to heal myself. The first step in this process is forgiveness and I am working on letting go of the past so that I can be happy in the present and look forward to a future where I will be healthy and strong enough to face anything life has to throw my way with grace and poise. This process is not something that happens instantaneously. Even after my ninety days there will still be a lot of work to be done to end up where I see myself being. However these ninety days are  enough to become a new foundation to build on. I can be anything I want to be. I am taking steps towards a goal that I have set for myself. I will get there, no matter how many times I may have to ask for directions because I have stumbled off my path. I hope that each and every one of you remembers how truly powerful and remarkable you are. We are all capable of achieving greatness and overcoming the most difficult of situations as long as we remember those simple little words; I can. I am. I will.
Namaste

Duct Taping The Mouth Of My Inner Hyde

I am unsettled. It has been one of those morning so far where I am sitting back and thinking on who I am, what is important to me and where I go from here. There are so many changes I want to make yet even as I contemplate each and every one of them I am also remembering the last time I made these attempts without much success. So I sit and wonder where I went wrong on the previous tries so that I can figure out how to do it right this time. Perhaps that is half my battle. I am over thinking it all instead of just doing it. The curse of an Aquarian, I suppose, for we are the thinkers of the zodiac. This trait is very prominent in me, but like everything in life, there are advantages and disadvantages. I am always thinking and I am capable of great thoughts, ideas and philosophies. Unfortunately though, my thoughts are not always focused and productive and instead of helping me to discover amazing things about myself and how I can make my world a better place to live in, they do the opposite and consume me with negativity. Even as I write this, I am desperately trying to find a way to spin this thought in a more bright and positive direction but it is exhausting sometimes. I don't always feel like I have the energy to monitor every thought to find the motive behind it and the direction it will lead me in and so I stop caring about my thoughts and where they take me. It doesn't matter that logic is telling me how very detrimental this is to my over all well being. That one tiny piece of logic becomes lost within a sea of illogical emotion and when I am already feeling overwhelmed and exhausted it becomes easier for me to just let it get swallowed up than to swim through the mass of unproductive thoughts and float that one tiny productive thought to the surface so it can breathe. And again, even as I write this sad truth my thoughts are telling me that I if I want to see change I have to stop taking the easier road and work harder, followed quickly by the thought that I am not strong enough, not determined enough, not worth enough, to be able to succeed. With a constant Jekyll and Hyde movie being played out within my head, I feel defeated before I even begin. So how do I silence the unproductive thoughts so that I can hear the productive ones more clearly? Make the choice to only hear the productive ones. Sounds so simple, doesn't it? Yet the reality is that it is far from that. It is a continuing battle for me and I have to admit that I am always questioning whether or not it will ever become easier and whether there will ever come a time in my life where it will become such a routine and habit that my mind will automatically seek the positive thought and let it lead me. Perhaps if I give more, do more, be more. But there is just one problem with that. I am already struggling and I am not sure how I do that without once again becoming so overwhelmed and exhausted that this cycle continues to repeat itself over and over again. It is easy to have positive thoughts when all is right with the world, but at times like this, when we are bogged down and bone tired, it is a challenge and I am really trying very hard to process this and ride it through in a productive way by using this blog as one of the tools in my arsenal. One thought at a time, right?
Namaste.

Acting Like A Child....Not Always a Bad Thing

I am not sure, to be honest, if I have ever done a blog on this before. Today I have been having some issues with staying focused and positive. I am human...I err. As much as I love to post positive messages on social networks to help my friends and family stay positive when they might be feeling discouraged, I also post them there as a reminder to myself to stay on the path I am trying to make for myself. I posted a couple positive quotes today and I was taken aback by how the simplicity of the words carried such a deep and profound message. It had me thinking back to some of the stories from my childhood and the lessons they were providing. Then I started to wonder why, even though we have all read such stories as "The Little Engine That Could", "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" and the "Three Little Pigs", just to name a few, those lessons seemed to all but disappear as aged. We no longer think anything is possible, we forget to respect others and their property and do not apologize when we have wronged them because our own pride and sense of 'rightness" gets in the way of doing what is actually...right.These are decisions we all make at some point in time or another and are sometimes not the best thought out of plans. Makes one think of all the stories and the lesson they convey, doesn't it? And those are but three in a vast number of books written for children, to help mold them into thoughtful, respectful, compassionate, productive adults one day. It seems to me that it would do every person some good to go back and read the books from their childhoods and see if they have indeed, taken those lessons to heart as they have grown in age and experience. How many of us can truly say that we have managed to use those morals and ideals every step along our own paths and lead by example to the generations that will follow? I know that I have stumbled many times along the way. I have not always been respectful or mindful of those around me. I have not always taken responsibility for my actions or words. I have not always made the right decision and I certainly have not thought that I could do or be anything as long as I had that faith in myself. The lessons we are taught while young are suppose to grow in their convictions as we age and put them into practice. Instead, sadly, I find the opposite is true. They are looked at as fanciful and imaginative, not really part of  the real adult world in their simplistic natures. We expect our children to learn these lessons and take them with them through life, but how can they when they see that all their adult role models seem to have forgotten how to put those same lessons into practice? We lead by example and if we are not remembering our own lessons, they cannot be expected to remember the ones we are striving to teach them. I urge you all to think on the lessons taught to you through such "childish" stories and ask yourself: As an adult, have you truly learned and put into practices the lessons and messages those stories were written to offer or have you been too busy being an "adult" that you have forgotten the important role they were meant to take in your lives? I know that I have and it is something I will work hard to rectify.  I  will leave you all with a quote to ponder by none other than our favorite childhood bear, Winnie The Pooh: “I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost.”
Namaste

Two Flew Out Of The Cuckoo's Nest

Today marks yet another passage of time for me. My second daughter turned eighteen today, leaving only one left under my parental wing to guide and mold, hopefully into a well adjusted, functioning adult over the next four years of her teenage life. I must admit, I am not sure what to do with myself. I always had three girls and now I have one girl and two women. While my oldest still lives here with her boyfriend and infant son, my newly adult daughter moved out last week, making her the first birdie to leave Mama's nest. It was an incredibly emotional and difficult day for me. All my parental fears came flooding to the surface. I worried that I had not taught her enough, showed her enough or experienced enough with her. In the end, however, I had to accept that I had done the very best that I could do with the circumstances and tools at my disposal. I had to become at peace with that and that was perhaps that hardest thing to do. Or so I thought. Today, I realize that this day is the hardest thing I have to do.Today she is an adult and I have to now let go of the reins of authority and instead pick up the reins of friendship. Today I have to allow her to make her own mistakes and learn her own lessons without me there to try and cushion all the blows that life will deal her as she does these things. Today I have to trust...in her and everything my work over the last 18 years has taught her and trust that it has been enough. This is extremely hard for me. I have had my trust shattered and it has been a very long road back with many speed bumps and pot holes along the way. But for her, I will summon all my courage, all my will and strength and do just that...trust. We can't hold them forever. Eventually they grow up and have to fly on their own. It's a double edged sword. I am so beyond proud of the person she has become, the goals she has set for herself and succeeded at and I am looking forward to seeing what she does with her life and the lessons and morals I have taught her. But on the other hand, there is still that claws deep parental fear, the mama lion who needs to be able to protect her cub. I don't think we ever loose that as parents. We spend almost 2 decades of our lives teaching them, watching over them, guiding them and protecting them. We can't possibly  be expected to just shut that off one day because they have turned the age of adulthood. I made a lifelong commitment the day I brought each of them into this world and although there have been many rough patches I have managed to keep those commitments. I promised to protect them, love them, shelter them and educate them and I have worked hard and tirelessly to make sure those were promises I never broke. I hope in the eyes of my two young adults that I have succeeded and I hope that when my youngest becomes an adult that she will know that everything I have ever done has been to keep the promise that I made to her when she was born. It's really all we can hope as parents.
Namaste, be blessed.

Blessings in Abundance

There are many blessings in this world and yesterday I was able to add another to my endless repertoire. As  a Wiccan High Priestess, I was honored to be able to perform a Wiccaning for my grandson. Most grandmother's can only say they attended such a rite. I anointed, dedicated and blessed him, asked the Goddess and Gods to watch over him as he grows, learns and finds his own Path. His parents made their vows to him and his Goddess Parents were chosen and made their vows. After, he was passed around the Circle so that everyone might be able to give him their own personal blessings,  bestowing tidings and wishes for all that he might become. The energy of the ritual was astounding! There was so much love within my Circle that it stole the very breath from my lungs with it's power and intensity. A few times I had to repeat myself, caught up in the emotion of the occasion and the gratitude and appreciation for all of those who do not even share my beliefs but came regardless because of  and for him. As I looked around at the faces I knew that no matter what, he was going to be ok in life because he had a wealth of love and support. Afterwards we all came back into the house and feasted. The majority of the food I had made myself and I tried to instill the love I have for my grandson into everything I did as I planned, prepared and cooked. I am sure it came through on the flavors because everyone ate until their belly's were full to bursting. Conversations, joy and music filled every room of my house and it was yet another blessing. With the help of others, the occasion went off beautifully and seamlessly and I am ever grateful to those who came to my aid when they were needed. That too, was a blessing. As I sit here and think back on all the planning and preparations, the moments when stress tried to overturn my sense of purpose and all those people who were a part of making the day as special as it could possibly be for him, I cannot help but feel I have a vast ocean of richness in my life. I am so grateful. Everything was as it needed to be....and it was perfect:.
Namaste, be blessed.

Something old...something new

It has been a while since I have written. This line seems to be becoming quite a popular intro into my blogs as of late and although I wish I could find less occasion to use it, it still remains a true statement, at least right now. Life has been incredibly busy for me and I have just not had the time I wish I had to be able to sit and ponder the many things that go through my head on a minute by minute basis. Currently I am listening to a group of songs that seem to have wiggled their way into my very soul, making them impossible not to listen to at least once a day, if not more. Every time I listen to them, I hear different intricacies that draw my ear even more than the previous time I had listened. Guitar riffs buried ever so quietly under the haunting melodies of the female vocalist for Nightwish make me want to listen to the song over and over again to hear what else I had been missing. The sound of the hi-hat being played in just that right spot in concert with the growling vocals on an Otherwise track make me want to scream along with Adrian Patrick at the top of my lungs while a tragic lullaby by Angie Aparo makes my heart want to bleed with the message it brings. It is a spectrum of different messages, feelings and genre's that all seem to be playing to something within me at this point in time that is in need of some sort of healing or outlet that only music can provide. I am always amazed when I find something new in something so familiar. It's an awakening of sorts I suppose...finding the newness in something thought to be old or withered just by approaching it from a different perspective or in a different time frame. I would wager a guess that some of the awakening is due to how I have grown or changed as well as the path I am finding myself on at the time. It just stabilizes the notion that things are the way we perceive them to be and that nothing is really ever in a state of stasis. Nothing is unchangeable. Opinions, circumstances, people, paths...everything is subject to how we perceive them at the time. What was once considered a priority at one junction in our paths could very well become the things we toss aside to move forward  when we reach a  fork in our road  just as the things that were unimportant at one time  become the foundations of our new ideals and become the very things that motivate us, move us or soothe us during a future phase of our lives. Everything changes depending on all these different factors. Amazing. I hope you all find new things to love in things you have had forever and I also hope you learn to let go of the things that only clutter your future without adding to the bliss of it. I know that I am trying to do just that right now.
Namaste....be blessed

Medicinal Music

I had a really good night last night. I went to see a concert and it awoke something in me that had been laying fast asleep. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed such things. I am a very technical person, especially when it comes to music. I love being able to hear every note played in it's perfection. Such is hard to do when watching a band live. The music sometimes gets drowned out by the screaming and whistling fans, the pyrotechnics, speaker location, distortion, seat location etc. However, having said that, there is something to be said for the sheer energy of thousands of screaming people singing along to the same song. Since I am an energy sponge, it can become somewhat overwhelming when one is soaking up such raw emotion. I almost felt under the influence, but knew that the only thing I was high on was the energy of the bands playing and the fans enjoying a night out experiencing a good old fashioned rock concert. It never ceases to amaze me how something such as a concert can invigorate a person's soul. I suppose that is why music is what it is; a universal language of emotions and experiences. Every song has a story to tell and the story can change depending on the person listening to it and how it relates to their own lives. As Brian May said once, and I am paraphrasing here, "music is like a conversation between the musician and the listener." I had many conversations last night. Some of them were about becoming recharged and restored, some made me remember certain events and times in my life and some made me appreciate the love of my husband and those close to me. There is a certain intimacy that steels over you when these conversations take place, like the music reaches in and strokes your very soul. I am really glad that I went last night and celebrated with thousands of other people, the little conversations we have all had with these songs and artists. There is so much healing to be found within the notes.
Namaste...and rock on!!!!!!!!!

I.O.U....A Mother's Day Thank You

Today is Mother's Day and I thought it very fitting to share a poem that was written by my mother for her mother. I hope you all enjoy it as it is very dear to me.

I.O.U

Dear Mum,

Today while I sat looking at some old bills, I came across a piece of paper which I had marked “To Mum, I owe you”

I owe you for being a physician to my body, my mind and my heart when reality seemed to be a mountain to high for my short amount of faith to climb.

I owe you for being my twenty-four hour a day teacher, teaching love and selflessness which would later serve as an amour for me.

Mum, I owe you for the bucketfuls of patience that you worked hard to acquire and administered in large and frequent doses, most often when I was convinced that I was the world’s biggest misfit.

I owe you for being a true and perfect representative of womanhood in its purest form in order that I may learn to discern quality in myself and learn not to judge a book by its cover.

I owe you for the loving, constant care dished out through measles, mumps, and yes; even tonsillitis, and I owe you for the faith and confidence that you have in your beliefs which kept you strong in spite of me and in order to serve me.

I owe you for the sacrifice of all your time and talents which you used faithfully and constantly on me.

For these and numberless things I will always owe you.

 And Mum, I know that no matter how long I hold on to this bill, if you could get your hands on it, you’d mark it “Paid In Full” and that’s because you are perfect and I just wanted to say thank you for my life and thank you for your life of continuous effort and sacrifice, for the high morals you gave us, for the dignity you gave us, and Mum, I love you. ~ Written by Margaret R. Davidson

Happy Mother's Day to you all and know that your sacrifices to your children do not go unappreciated.

A Letter To The Summerlands

It was twelve years ago today that I lost my sister. I had started to write this blog recalling every detail in the hopes that by doing so, I would maybe not grieve so much today, maybe not ache so much for my loss. However, during the course of writing I realized that, even though it may have been cathartic to me, reliving every detail of that day may hurt those I love more than they are already hurting. I know the details, as do they. There is no need to write them out. But how does one do something to help themselves, to heal themselves, without causing a renewed sense of loss to others? This question was rolling around inside my head when I had an idea. Instead of remembering the grievous details of the day 12 years ago, I am instead going to write a letter to her. I am going to lay it all on the line, the positive and negatives, and hope that this process will be the balm my soul needs to heal. I have a really hard time letting go sometimes and I feel my loss as deeply today as I did that day, maybe even more so. It is time to heal, to let go completely and between this idea of a letter and something that my husband is helping me with tomorrow evening, I can only hope that it is what I need to finally heal.

Dear Teresa,
         I miss you. There are so many times when I wish so badly that I could call you on the phone, tell you of the wonderful moments in my life, like when Nesa was born, or ask your advice when I am having a hard time coping with a situation. You were always there for me when I needed you to be, just as I hope I was there for you. I am still here for you. I have watched your girls grow and become women and mothers. I have shared in their celebrations as well as their tragedies. I have tried my best to be all that you asked me to be for them. I hope I have not failed you. Sometimes I am so angry with you for not being here and at those times I feel the loss of you so much more acutely. I could have used your strength when we lost mom. I felt so alone, so afraid. It was so hard on me to be the one to find her and then not have my sister here to hold me and anchor me. I needed you. Although I will never forget the day that your grand-daughter was born, never forget the moment when your line was reintroduced back into life and the honor I felt at being there to witness it, I would have given that moment up in a heartbeat to be the one waiting in the waiting room for you to come out, tears of joy streaming down your face as you told everyone the news. In that moment, as elated as I was, I was also angry that you were not here to hold Christina's hand as her life drastically changed. I have been so angry with you for leaving me with this task on my shoulders. It was so hard to watch them grow and know that no matter how hard I tried to be there for them, it was never going to be enough because I am not you. I am not their mom. It was incredibly painful to have to sit by and watch them act out and make bad choices knowing that the reason they did so was because of their grief for you. I see so much of you in them and although it makes me smile and most of the time I can think or comment on it and enjoy the moment, there is always a part of me that wishes that they could see how much they are like you for themselves. I can tell them, but a part of me wonders if they think I just say these things to help them feel connected to you. I hope they know that that is not the case and that they really do look and act so much like you because they are a part of you. I hope they know how special that is. Then there is Mya, your grand daughter who calls me grandma. As honored as I am by the title, by the relationship between her and I, again, I would give it up in an instant if it meant that you were here to be that for her. I show her pictures of you, tell her who you are to her. One day, when she is old enough to understand I will tell her all about you. The things Christina and Kimberly were not privy to. The things only a sister knows. You taught me so much Teresa and I miss your guidance, your sense of humor and just your very presence. I have so many memories and although they have become like treasures to me, sometimes, on days like today, they haunt me even while they make me smile and laugh through my tears. I just miss you so much. I don't think I will ever stop missing you. It is so unfair and I feel so cheated and robbed sometimes that it hurts. I love you my sister. Until we meet again in the Summerlands....good-bye, Namaste my sister.

All In A Touch

I had one of those moments last night. The kind that threatens tears and makes your heart feel as if it may burst with the sheer amount of pure love pouring into it. I was holding my grandson who, lately, has been going without the much needed scratch mittens, and as I was feeding him and pulling down the hands that he insistently keeps bringing to his mouth, I noticed something. He has my hands.This is the first time I have ever noticed something about him that is also a part of me. It was a very moving moment. Logically, I can say he is a part of me, as he is my grandson, son to my daughter whom is also a part of me. But to see something on him that is the exact same as something on me was a moment of connection for me. The fact that it happens to be, aside from the eyes, my favorite part of the human anatomy, just made it so much better. The eyes may be the windows to the soul, but the hands - the hands are the tether to the heart. They are the key component of touch and they can convey so much. They can be loving, erotic, comforting, healing, helping, supporting, encouraging, educating, empowering and active. They can also, on the flip side, be idle, harmful, hurting, dismissive and threatening. Yes, the hands and their touch, their movements, can say so much. And he has my hands. It makes me wonder what he will do with them as he grows and learns and changes. Right now, at almost 4 months old, he wonders in his ability to move them, put them in his mouth, suck on them, grab hair and fingers and play with his tongue. He will do so much yet with those hands, just as I have done so much with mine and will continue to do so. This physical connection is such a little thing, but it makes such an enormous impact on me. I wonder if every grandparent experiences these moments or if I am but a small percentage in the world who have allowed the moment to completely envelope me. I hope not. I hope that all people with all sorts of connections can stop their busy lives and allow all these precious moments to completely engulf them. Today's blog has not turned out to be what I had originally planned to write about but it is obviously what I needed to write about. I must say, I am happy for it. I leave you with a quote, a thought and perhaps a connection of your own to bask in.

“If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people.”   Thich Nhat Hanh

Namaste

Life is SO complex....or is it?

It has been a long while since I have written. There has been a lot going on around me lately and I just haven't felt that all consuming urge to write. I suppose the craziness that is the zoo of my household has just left me without the energy nor time to just sit and reflect on what it is I am doing, feeling, thinking or processing as of late. I am sitting here, it is early morning  and I have not yet finished my morning cup of tea but I am determined that something become of this blog posting today. What that something is, however, still eludes me. There is a lot percolating inside my head at the moment and some of it is just the mundane, such as what I should prepare for dinner, or the laundry waiting for my attention downstairs. Some of it is creative in nature; like trying to decide what I want to do to the gown I am in the process of making. Some of them are the result of the experiences I have been having and others have to do with the daily requirements and stresses of running a household.  All these random thoughts and I am not really sure which ones my mind will decide to latch on to for the day, So far they are all like little floating balloons with strings tied to their ends, each one waiting for me to pull that string and bring them closer for further inspection. As I sit here lost in these thoughts I can hear the birds singing their spring songs, I can feel the much warmer air outside and  I can see the tree in my front yard starting to bud. The ladybugs are out in full force, marching their way across my flowerbed and I wonder just what their plans are today. I am sure they are not nearly as complex as mine. Most likely they are thinking of getting from point A to point B in one piece and hoping to find some adequate food and shelter. Perhaps though, having to deal with constant survival is actually MORE taxing than having to wonder what to cook, or how to make a gown. We assume, because they don't have to maintain our human lifestyle, that things must be pretty easy for them and others like them. Perhaps though, without the civilities, life is actually more dramatic, more stressful and daunting. Maybe, just maybe, their lives are much harder than ours. Perhaps they all live in fear, terror that they might die at any given moment all because their surroundings are not the beauty we get to enjoy but are actually quite hostile towards them. They are constantly the easy targets of predators, they are continuously in danger of being stepped on and crushed, moved, played with and inspected by the fascination of the small children discovering their existence for the first time. They have to travel what would equate to thousands of miles to us humans just to get something to eat or find some place safe to rest. A life like this would make us so-called civilized human beings become insanely aggressive animals. So maybe all these animals that we assume have it easy because they don't have the thought patterns we are capable of, really are the ones who have it the most difficult. We just don't know, and we never will because they are not able to communicate these things to us in a manner we understand. There are so many people out there who are always complaining about the hand they have been dealt and how hard their lives are. I have been known to do it myself once or twice. This thought process really makes me feel bad for every time I have ever done so. I have WAY more opportunities available to me than that ladybug will ever have. My life is not the constant battle for survival that some of these "lesser" animals and bugs have to deal with. Food and shelter options are abundant and safe to me and I don't ever have to worry about being stepped on and crushed! So why should I get to complain? Perspective is everything and when things are looked at from a view point such as this, it really seems to change how we view our own environments, choices and opportunities and the things we consider to be too difficult to overcome.  The world can be a hostile, unforgiving place, there is no doubt about it. But instead of fearing it, or laying grievances about it, try being grateful that you are in the evolutionary position that you are in. You could have been born a ladybug.

Ireland Forever

Today is March 17, known mostly around the world as St. Patrick's Day. I, however, have a problem with celebrating it as such. I find it a little unsettling that a man, who at one point in time was a slave in Ireland, should be celebrated as some great hero of the land who "chased the snakes to the sea" of Ireland, thereby purifying the land once again for the Church. Here is what I think. Patrick was a little pissed off at the Irish. I mean, they had enslaved him for 6 years! So he escapes and makes it back to Britain where he enters the church to start his studies. He knows that in order to have any sort of influence he will have to make his mark within the church itself. Now, some may ask why he didn't become a politician etc as in our day and age, that would be how one gained influence and power. However, in the time of Patrick, the Catholic church was where the power was at if you were not Royalty. Add that to the fact that his father was a deacon and his grandfather a priest and it is easy to see why Patrick chose this path. So he makes a name for himself in the Catholic dynasty and become the bishop who is sent to Ireland to convert the savages from their Pagan ways to the ways of the church.  Does nobody else see the beginnings of a plot of vengeance on the Irish people and their Deities and ways beginning to unfold here? Unfortunately, history tells us that he was somewhat successful in this endeavor. The Druids "disappeared" from the land and many died rather than conform. But what else does history tell us if today we are still chanting the names of the Ancient ones, still practicing the rituals and following the teachings of the Druids? It tells us that all the success Patrick and the church thought they had to change the ways of the Irish forever, was not nearly as fruitful as Patrick and those of his ilk, had thought it was. WE are still here. The indigenous culture, beliefs and teachings of Ireland still survives in our blood. I know without a doubt that my ancestors before (and even those after) the time of Patrick, are exceptionally proud that I, like many others, continue to remember them and the Dieties that guided them. In remembering them, our roots, our dead, our histories and our beliefs, we have shown that there is no man, no religious occupation or exile from our homelands and no amount of time that can remove the calling of our ancestors back to our true paths.  And so on this day, March 17, while Christians are celebrating the life and death of their St.Patrick of Ireland, my Irish blood will celebrate the true culture of my people, my land and my Dieties.

Irinn go Bràch!

Count Your Blessings, Name Them One By One

My cousin lost everything in a house fire yesterday, including his beloved dog. Thank the Gods neither himself nor his two sons were at home when it all happened. I have let him know that I am here for him should he have need of me, but aside from that I am not really sure what more can be done unless he asks it of me. The offer has been made and aside from sending out positive thoughts and prayers for him and his family in their time of need, there is really nothing else I can do at the moment. I hope he calls me and allows me to give him what solace and help that I can. I am his kin and I empathize with what he is going through. It hurts my heart to know that someone I love is going through such tragedy as I sit here and write. It makes me realize how truly blessed I am that my children and grandchildren are safe, healthy and happy, that my husband sits by my side everyday, that my extended family is there should I need them, that my home is stable and inviting, that I have friends that surround me, that there is food in our bellies and clothing on our backs. What more could a person really ask for in this life?  Love, family, friends, health, stability, food, clothing and home...in my opinion those are the necessities of life and I have them all and then some. I think people, as a whole, have a bad habit of taking their blessings for granted on a daily basis.  I know that I am guilty of doing it myself, something I am always trying to work on. It should not take an act of devastation, grief, trauma, tragedy or loss to make us realize what is and is not important or where we need to change as human beings, but that is quite often the way it goes. We tend to get so caught up our own lives and dramas that we seldom take the time to self reflect on what is really important to us until it is forced into our consciousness by these acts of awakening. I can admit that such has been the case for myself numerous times over my life. In fact, I can admit that it has happened here today as I sit and think on what my cousin must be going through and become more grateful for what I have been granted in my life. It shouldn't be this way but the fact remains that it is - but now I have a choice to make. I can let the unfortunate circumstances bleed their lesson into me and change myself permanently in a positive way or I can let the lesson wear off with time as I allow all the non-perfect moments to interfere with my gratitude and blind me to what really matters most. The choice to count each blessing and be grateful for them everyday, instead of just in moments of hardship, is mine, just as it is for every other person on the planet. I know the choice I will make. Do you?
Namaste

Just To Breathe

It has been a little while since I have had the chance to sit and write. Life has been busy and there is a virus spreading its way through the population that has seemed to become attracted to me at this point in time. It has left me very tired as I try to keep up with all the requirements of my life. The multitude of relationships I am involved in, responsibilities of being a parent and a caregiver, the duties of being the one to keep the machine of house and family running as smoothly as possible, all while trying to battle the aches, pains, mental and emotional stresses of a couple chronic medical conditions can overwhelm and wear one out if there is no opportunity to break, to step back, to breathe or rest. Such as been the case for me as of late. Perhaps it is the added challenges of late that are not usually present such as this virus, upcoming events, unforeseen expenses but it has left me feeling as though I am running a marathon and although I am out of breathe, my lungs ablaze and my body screaming it's protests, I can't quite seem to catch up to a place where I can maintain an even pace. It is frustrating to say the least as many plans have had to be cancelled, commitments postponed,  daily requirements done at half the capacity (if they are done at all), and the feelings over having to do all this start to swallow me. I have a habit of taking too much on at once and I can see where I have done it yet again, but what do I allow to dissolve in order to have that space to breathe? There are things that are not negotiable to remove such as my primary functions as mother, wife and grandmother and all the little things those roles involve. I can't quit my jobs either as it would send the family income into quite the tailspin. I don't want to have to dissolve relationships that hold meaning to me either. So where is the balance and what is worth the sacrifices to allow me to breathe? I am told I am never selfish enough when it comes to myself and perhaps that is true and so maybe now is the time to be a little more selfish about what I need. I don't know how much longer I can continue to wear myself into the ground this way without serious repercussions. I have to find the balance again. Have to find myself an air pocket within all the necessities of life. It is there, someplace...I just have to find it.

To Celebrate a Ghost

It is a hard thing, to lose a sibling you were so close with. It is a wound that never heals and sometimes begins to seep at the most unexpected times for time has no bearing on the heart. True time can ease the acute pain from the loss but it does not erase what has been and is still felt. Today is my sister's birthday and I miss her just as much today as I did the day she crossed into the boundary lands. Perhaps more so for life has changed so much since that day. I have tried to honor the promise I made her to care for her girls if anything ever happened to her. Now that they are both adults, one with a child of her own, I think I can safely say that to this date I have done so. It is a double edged knife though. One moment proud of what I have done in her name and proud of the people they are becoming and the next moment wishing that she could have been here to do it herself, to experience the things that I am experiencing in her stead. I have been standing in her shadow for them for the last 12 years and these moment can be hard to endure. Now, as I sit here wishing that I could call her to wish her a happy birthday, that I could plan a party for her or take her out to celebrate in some way, I am reminded of so many moments we shared together that, at the time, did not seem so monumental and important. These moments have remained the light within the darkness of my grief and I cherish them for the healing power they have become. They are my antidote when the sorrow threatens to overtake me. I can still see her smiling at me when I had my first baby and the pride that was one her face. I can still hear her laugh herself to tears and her voice as she told me of things that either pleased her or upset her. I can still feel the way she squeezed my hand for support when she had to stand tall for her girls during a difficult moment in their lives. I can still hear the way she cried when her heart was broken and hear the pleading in her voice as she looked to me to help soothe it. I can remember countless  moments where she was pulling pranks or telling jokes and just enjoying what life had given her. I can also remember moments where we were at each others throats, in total disagreement and threatened to never speak to each other again. Those moments  were typical sibling moments and never seemed to last for very long. No matter what though, I remember that when it counted, we were always there for each other in whatever capacity we needed to be. I remember her telling me she loved me and kissing me on the cheek a week before she passed away. That moment....that moment I believe her soul knew her fate even if she wasn't aware of it. All these little moments have forged themselves into the steel that is required to get through everyday without her and today is no exception. Today, as the tears pour down my face and my grief threatens to engulf me, I put my weight on these memories in the hopes that they will help me to stand tall as they do every other time I am missing her so much. Happy Birthday my sister...

The Right to Write

I had a phenomenal weekend. Locked inside a hotel room with my computer at the ready, I was able to write. I know for some this may not seem like some incredible thing, but to someone with the beginnings of four books sitting on her hard drive and no quiet or free time to focus on them, it was a blessing. I don't know how much time it will take me to continue the story that I have started, but I do know that eventually it will be completed. I have decided, however, that I hate research! Perhaps the next book will be completely make belief, that way I do not have to check for anything remotely resembling accuracy! However, the story I am writing now has not been one for that genre. It is fictional, yes, but there are certain things that must be somewhat fact within it, such as the description of locations named etc. Still, it is the part I least enjoy when writing. I much prefer to just let my mind take off and make of it what it will. Some of my best ideas are formed out of this chaotic technique. What does that say about myself? That I am someone who's mind is rarely settled I am sure. I can live with that. One does not necessarily have to have a settled mind to have an organized one. There can be a certain structure to chaos, especially when it is being channeled in a healthy manner, such as writing, music or art. For now though, I will just take time when time is allotted me and get as much of this book finished as possible. I intend it to be a best seller one day! Hope you all enjoy your weeks ahead!
Namaste

Gifts From The Heart

Today is my birthday and so far I have spent it stirring up memories of birthdays past. I think for me, the most significant birthday memory I have is the one that became a tradition in some regards. Every year on my birthday when I was a little girl, my dad did the same thing. I would come home for lunch from school and he would be sitting at the kitchen table with his cassette player at the ready and he would play and sing the following song to me.

Happy Birthday Darlin' - Conway Twitty

Hello darling, happy birthday
I've decided not to give you a present this year
In fact I think it's about time I took some things away.

I'd like to take away the suspicion
That I know clouds your world at times
By giving you some faith to hold on to, honey
Whenever your hand is not in mine.

Happy birthday darling, I've no present, no fancy cake
But I hope I'll make you happy with everything I take.

I'd like to take away some of your lonely moments
By spending more time with you
And I'd like to take away some of those so, so kisses
And replace them with ones that really say, I love you.

And I want to take away the doubt
You sometimes have about my love
By showing it more, much more than I've shown you lately
And then if someone should ask you
What I got you for your birthday
Well you can say, why he didn't give me anything
But he sure took a lot of things away.

Happy birthday darling I've no present, no fancy cake
But I hope I'll make you happy with everything I take.

Happy birthday darling I've no present, no fancy cake
But I hope I'll make you happy with everything I take.

Happy birthday, darling...

As I sit here a grown woman, many years past this experience, I still have the same feelings I used to have when he would pull me onto his lap and sing this song for me.  Even as a child I understood what the words to this song were really telling me and what the meaning was of the act he was displaying just for me. Just as I did back then when my dad would bear his soul to me in this most heartfelt way, I want to cry. We didn't have a lot of money when I was a child and this was the only gift he ever gave me for my birthday but it is the best gift a daughter could ever hope for because it came from his heart. It was his vow to me to be there for me whenever I needed him to be, to love me no matter what I might say or do and to do whatever was in his power to do to make sure I always knew how important I was in his world and that I was always happy in mine. It is these gifts, the ones that stir the soul and make the heart overflow with love, that have always meant the most to me. For my birthday this year, all I want is the same thing. I want to make the hearts of everyone I hold dear overflow. I want to make their soul's sing and dance, their faces  smile and their worlds  right themselves, even just for today. I want to share this feeling that has risen to the surface with the memory of my dad and his gift with every person I love. This is my birthday wish, my Valentine's wish, to all of you. Live, laugh and love.....especially today.
Namaste

Soul Food

I have had an awesome weekend! Tomorrow is my birthday and so the love of my life as well as another loved one got together to throw me my very first  birthday party. It was themed on one of my favorite time periods, the 80's ! There was candy from that era, movie quotes pasted to the walls on decorative foam pieces, music video's from the 80's playing on the big screen and even the decorations looked like something out of Pretty In Pink. The homemade foods and cake were delicious! The most amazing thing about it all though were the guests. Usually we are all getting together because I am throwing a party for someone or something else, so it was so touching to see everyone there to help me celebrate my own birthday. There are no words to express how much that meant to me. I loved watching the kids dance along with me to the songs I grew up dancing too and even seeing the adults get their silliness on dressing and dancing like they would have during that time in their lives. Even those who were never around in the 80's were dressed up! It was awesome to see little mini "crybabies" and pop queens:) From skater rolled jeans, to flashy gold pants, to the gothic look and good old fashion punk, the diversity of the outfits and the effort put into them was outstanding! I felt so loved and I could not have thought of a better way to celebrate than with those I love. It was magical:) There are no words that are adequate enough to thank everyone. It was definitely a soul nourishing experience. I am so very blessed.

Unsettled

I had a horrible dream as I lay down to take a nap this morning. I don't think I need to go into exactly what the dream was about but just let me say that it has left me feeling very unsettled. I just want to cry, even now, hours after I have cleared the cobwebs from my eyes because the content was just so disturbing to me. The emotions of the dream are still very much haunting me. I am trying to let it go, let it wash itself away from my mind because I am a firm believer that what we think of most will become our realities, and I certainly do not want that dream to become mine. That reality would leave me broken inside and I do not even want to contemplate how life would be. It does have me thinking though about whether or not my loved ones know how much I love them. Do they know, at all times, that my love for them can sometimes be painful to me? That the thought of not having one of them in my life for whatever reason means that there would always be this chasm in my heart that could never be repaired? I have had to grieve the loss of my loved ones who have passed and I hope that I am honoring their memory with the choices I make. I think of them and sometimes I cry, sometimes I laugh or smile. But when I look to the people who are still here with me everyday and I think about my time with them being taken from me...the anguish I feel inside is enough to break me into a million pieces. Now, as I sit here typing with the ghost of that horrible dream surrounding me like a fog, I wonder if I do enough, say enough, show enough, appreciate enough and love enough. I ponder whether or not they think I have made a positive impact on their lives and if I have somehow fed their souls and helped to nurture them, even in some small way. I also begin to think of ways that I can improve those connections and relationships so that I know I have given of myself and done the very best I could to make sure those I love never have to wonder whether or not I loved them. I suppose this is my silver lining as I try and make some sort of sense out of my dream.
Namaste....I love you

Light - Bulb

Today is hubby's birthday. Happy Birthday Iheage! I wanted to do something special for him, have a party to celebrate but he asked me not to because he wants to do something for me this year. I can accept that, I suppose. I am not especially happy about it, but it is, after all, HIS birthday and so I guess I should respect his wishes in this as I expect people to respect mine. I will let it slide this year but I truly hope he does not expect this to become the rule instead of the exception to it. I love to plan and host parties. I love to share my home and the food I have struggled to perfect with friends and family. I love to socialize when I am on my turf and just have everyone around me enjoying themselves. Maybe I should become a party planner/caterer. I have thought about it many times before. I am just not sure that I would enjoy it as much for strangers. Maybe the party planning aspect would be ok but cooking for strangers, especially with food allergies to consider, could prove to be a disaster. It is the reason I never went to culinary school after all. There are lots of things I am good at, lots of things I have considered making a career out of but there are many reasons I have not. I am really creative, but don't have the time I would need to be able to really get into something profitable. Everything I do, I do in my spare time, and there is not a lot of that. Another issue lies in boredom. Not many things can hold my attention for very long. I go through creative stages it seems. Sometimes I want to write, sometimes I want to sit at my piano, sometimes I want to sew or do a craft project, sometimes I want to cook or plan a party and sometimes I just want to exist. I also don't think most of the things I do are good enough to be paid to do them. Sure, I enjoy them, the people I do it for enjoy it...but would complete strangers want to actually PAY for them? I just don't know. I have a hard time putting a fair price on what my time is worth. I suppose I will ponder these things as I am always doing, trying to figure it all out. I keep waiting for that ever elusive light bulb to go off in my head and praying that when it does, I will be able to notice it and do something with it. I know I am a talented person. I know that I have much to offer of myself and my talents and hobbies. It's just finding the right thing at the right time to be financially successful at it. Not knowing what that is has become the bane of my existence at the moment it seems. For right now though, I am content to devote myself to my family while I continue to explore my options and find new ideas to play with. It will come to me.
Namaste...

The Perfectly Planned Surprise

I don't usually write at night. Most of the time I am getting ready to send myself to bed to read and unwind after a long day. Tonight though, I am writing as I wait for the clock to strike 10 and my overnight shift with my adorable grandson to begin. I enjoy the time I get to spend with him one on one. While the rest of the house is off to dreamland, I am making sure he is well fed and changed, cuddled against my chest while I tell him stories or sing him some not-so-traditional lullaby's. Most grandmother's don't really get to experience what I do because not all are lucky enough to have their grandchildren residing under the same roof as them. I have to admit, if someone would have told me a year ago that I would be spending tonight tending to my grandson I would have told them they were on drugs. This was never the way I saw things unfolding. I didn't expect to have a grandson before I even turned 35 and I surely never expected to have my daughter and her new family living under the same roof with me when it did finally happen. Life is funny that way I suppose. We spend a lot of time planning our lives and our futures only to have the unexpected happen all the time to change the direction we thought we were heading in. Sometimes these changes in our course are positive like when each of my girls were born, sometimes not so much, but all changes can lead to new opportunities and blessings which perhaps we never knew we wanted but are so grateful we have received. At least this is the way I feel when I am starring down into my grandson's perfect little face, wondering if he can see me yet, knowing without a doubt that he can feel the love in my heart for him. I remember those quiet times with each of my daughters...seeing those same looks of recognition, feeling the exchange of energy as the bond is created and knowing that we are connected together for all time. It was amazing and life changing then and it still is. The power of unconditional love.

To Be What It Needs To Be

I don't really know what I am doing here. Now, this is not some massive metaphysical quandary I am speaking of, but this blog. I had thought to delete every entry in here today and start again in the hopes of making it, for once and for all, what I want it to be. But there are two issues with that. The first being that I don't really know what I want to do with this little corner of cyberspace that I have declared as my own. I had thought the quotes a fantastic idea, and I still believe that I was able to really delve deep in some cases, taking from a few simple words a wealth of meaning. My hope was also to help  give inspiration to others who may have been struggling, who needed a little bit of encouragement or another way to look at something and I can only pray that in some way I was successful. However, this effort also left me feeling like I was somehow getting the short end of the stick sometimes. Instead of freely writing about what was naturally flowing within me, I was always busy trying to find words spoken by other people to try and make sense of my own tangled thoughts. The problem with doing this is that I am bypassing my own reflections to some degree because they are NOT my words that I am breaking apart to find meaning but the thoughts, feelings and opinions of another mind. Yes, I can relate to those inspirations and I can pull strength from them when my mind is grasping for something to hold on to but ultimately, to truly be able to call this space mine, these have to be my thoughts, my words, my feelings and opinions.  The second reason I have decided not to delete all posting up to this point is because it just seems like an awful waste of time, energy and thought. I may have started the entries with quotes contributed to other people but that was not what the entire blog posting was about. They were all how I  tried to interpreted these quotes into my own life and circumstances.  And so, no matter which direction this blog takes, I will leave those writings for they are a part of where I was at that particular moment in time. There is no reason that the topics and styles of the blog can't change and evolve with me, because the purpose is and always has been ME. These are my thoughts, my insights and admissions no matter if I am showing them by the quote I chose one day to break apart and interpret or the manner of letting my mind wander as I am now, letting the writing become fluid and letting it be what it needs to be. I am a work in progress, and so too shall this space be.

Namaste

The Importance of Trying

Happy Friday everyone! I can't believe that this is the last Friday of January already..it has flown by so quickly! There has been much to keep me preoccupied these last few weeks and I think I have chosen well in today's quote as a reflection of where my thought patterns are coming from today.

Today's Quote: "It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who at the worst, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat." - Theodore (Teddy) Roosevelt

I started to type today on the importance of trying, even if we don't succeed right away and I came up with a plethora of examples from politics, to science and medicine to the basic things we have come to depend on in our daily lives. These things include but are not limited to; homes that can withstand the elements, indoor plumbing and central heating, our televisions, computers and even that silicone pot holder you used to take your chocolate chip cookies out of the oven.  If we were to really take apart even the simplest things we have, know, see or experience in our lives today, other than things that we can find naturally occurring around us, everything else was the result of an idea; a simple thought that was acted upon. Now, we all have ideas but the key is that these ideas were then put into action to become what we know them to be today. The process of putting thought into action means that there was most likely  some failures, some errors made along the way that required the original idea to be tweaked until it went from thought to actually being. How tragic our lives would have been if all the amazing minds that have contributed to what we know of existence today, had given up the first time they failed. Now, some might say that these contributions to our lives were the work of exceptional minds and I would not disagree with that statement at all, however, what made them so exceptional? Was it the fact that they had the courage and determination to act on their ideas or was it a level of intelligence that gave them the idea in the first place? I tend to believe that it was the former and not the latter. ANY person can think. Any person can dream up fantastic images of things that they wish existed or a way of life they wish they could experience. That is the power of imagination and we all have one. What we do with those ideas is totally dependent on us. Not every idea is a good one and not every idea will change the world dramatically but that does not mean that we don't all have good ideas that COULD change our lives. The majority of the population, however, will not take that risk. Perhaps they think their ideas are silly, maybe they fear they are bad ideas and are so worried about it failing that they play it safe and keep the idea to themselves. Some people I am sure just feel they don't have the resources to make it a reality. Whatever the cause, it is but a small few who will continuously work to take what is in their heads and no matter how many times they may stumble, keep pushing onward until their idea has become integrated into our way of life. The same can be said for other aspects of our lives as well. This sense of determination is not limited to those who are trying to invent something, or change world policy etc. Perhaps what we are talking about here  is the idea that we can achieve a certain personal goal for ourselves and not something as dramatic as changing the way the entire world experiences their lives. This is no less important of a message for those seeking to advance their own existences, to expand their own personal knowledge and horizons and improve upon themselves. In fact, I would say that this message is even more important to those who are struggling to find a good reason to get up in the morning, to continue barreling on regardless of what life may throw in their pathways. Those in this scenario are no less intelligent or important than anyone else on the planet. My advice to you all, no matter where you are at in your lives, is to never give up, never give in and ALWAYS keep trying your best and reaching for your stars. You never know when you might discover something amazing!

Namaste

In Sickness And In Health: A Marriage To Oneself

Good morning all. I am going to cut to the chase because I have a lot to say regarding today's choice of wisdom.

Today's Quote:  "This is the true joy in life--the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy." - George Bernard Shaw

There are a couple different reasons why I chose this quote today. The first is because I agree with it completely. The second, however, is that lately I have been feeling more like the latter part of this message than the former and I needed to give myself a good hard shake to wake myself up. Having said that though, I do not think the world should devote itself to making me happy. No one and nothing can MAKE me anything. That is a choice I make for myself. However, I have been feeling somewhat like a clod of ailments and grievances. I can admit that I have not been feeling at my best. I have had my physical challenges reminding me in their ever persistent and painful ways that I do, in fact, have limitations. I seem to have sponged up some sort of virus that has been going through my house and friends like a wild fire, there have been the stresses of life in general and there is also my birthday coming up and my realization that I have had to disappoint some people because of my own shortcomings.  I am also feeling a bit disappointed with myself for letting these things blind me from seeing and following my goals in life. The result is that I have been feeling somewhat limited, overwhelmed and stressed out these past few days. It never ceases to amaze me how, if we are looking for them, the answers are always there for us. Such was the case for me this morning. Before I found today's choice quote and decided to start writing, I was sitting and drinking my morning cup of tea when I had one of those moments of sheer "well duh!". Some would call them epiphanies I suppose, but I like to think of them more as the moment when our minds decide to turn their lights on for a moment, enabling us a better glimpse of it's working parts. My personal glimpse this morning told me that I was being a very sad and lazy person lately. I had allowed my physical challenges, like health and pain, to overwhelm my greatest strength...my mind. I had allowed the physical cues to convince me that I was not able to deal with the other challenges I wanted to face, the goals I had made for myself, the victories I could all but taste on my tongue. I was allowing my own tainted perceptions to add to my overall health. Do I feel well today? On a physical level, no not really if I am being completely honest but here is an even bigger question...am I going to allow it to control me? No. I am not. I have endometriosis and with it comes physical limitations. That is just a fact. So instead of letting the pain levels drag me into a state of depression I will respect those limitations, but I will no longer succumb to them. I have a virus wracking my body but that doesn't mean it needs to take hold of my entire outlook. It just means that I will have to modify my schedule for the next couple days to allow myself to heal. I have allowed the issues of life to stress me out to the point of overwhelming my ability  to problem solve lately but that too is going to be changed. I am more than capable of handling any challenge that life throws at me because I am an intelligent woman with so many resources at my disposal if I would just utilize them more. These are all purposes I consider to be mighty and worthy of my time and energy. These are things that will improve my life, my outlook, my health and my growth as a person. This is how I can once again become a force of nature. I bid you all a glorious day and a moment of clarity to enhance your lives for the better. May you all be blessed.

Namaste