Unsettled

I had a horrible dream as I lay down to take a nap this morning. I don't think I need to go into exactly what the dream was about but just let me say that it has left me feeling very unsettled. I just want to cry, even now, hours after I have cleared the cobwebs from my eyes because the content was just so disturbing to me. The emotions of the dream are still very much haunting me. I am trying to let it go, let it wash itself away from my mind because I am a firm believer that what we think of most will become our realities, and I certainly do not want that dream to become mine. That reality would leave me broken inside and I do not even want to contemplate how life would be. It does have me thinking though about whether or not my loved ones know how much I love them. Do they know, at all times, that my love for them can sometimes be painful to me? That the thought of not having one of them in my life for whatever reason means that there would always be this chasm in my heart that could never be repaired? I have had to grieve the loss of my loved ones who have passed and I hope that I am honoring their memory with the choices I make. I think of them and sometimes I cry, sometimes I laugh or smile. But when I look to the people who are still here with me everyday and I think about my time with them being taken from me...the anguish I feel inside is enough to break me into a million pieces. Now, as I sit here typing with the ghost of that horrible dream surrounding me like a fog, I wonder if I do enough, say enough, show enough, appreciate enough and love enough. I ponder whether or not they think I have made a positive impact on their lives and if I have somehow fed their souls and helped to nurture them, even in some small way. I also begin to think of ways that I can improve those connections and relationships so that I know I have given of myself and done the very best I could to make sure those I love never have to wonder whether or not I loved them. I suppose this is my silver lining as I try and make some sort of sense out of my dream.
Namaste....I love you

Light - Bulb

Today is hubby's birthday. Happy Birthday Iheage! I wanted to do something special for him, have a party to celebrate but he asked me not to because he wants to do something for me this year. I can accept that, I suppose. I am not especially happy about it, but it is, after all, HIS birthday and so I guess I should respect his wishes in this as I expect people to respect mine. I will let it slide this year but I truly hope he does not expect this to become the rule instead of the exception to it. I love to plan and host parties. I love to share my home and the food I have struggled to perfect with friends and family. I love to socialize when I am on my turf and just have everyone around me enjoying themselves. Maybe I should become a party planner/caterer. I have thought about it many times before. I am just not sure that I would enjoy it as much for strangers. Maybe the party planning aspect would be ok but cooking for strangers, especially with food allergies to consider, could prove to be a disaster. It is the reason I never went to culinary school after all. There are lots of things I am good at, lots of things I have considered making a career out of but there are many reasons I have not. I am really creative, but don't have the time I would need to be able to really get into something profitable. Everything I do, I do in my spare time, and there is not a lot of that. Another issue lies in boredom. Not many things can hold my attention for very long. I go through creative stages it seems. Sometimes I want to write, sometimes I want to sit at my piano, sometimes I want to sew or do a craft project, sometimes I want to cook or plan a party and sometimes I just want to exist. I also don't think most of the things I do are good enough to be paid to do them. Sure, I enjoy them, the people I do it for enjoy it...but would complete strangers want to actually PAY for them? I just don't know. I have a hard time putting a fair price on what my time is worth. I suppose I will ponder these things as I am always doing, trying to figure it all out. I keep waiting for that ever elusive light bulb to go off in my head and praying that when it does, I will be able to notice it and do something with it. I know I am a talented person. I know that I have much to offer of myself and my talents and hobbies. It's just finding the right thing at the right time to be financially successful at it. Not knowing what that is has become the bane of my existence at the moment it seems. For right now though, I am content to devote myself to my family while I continue to explore my options and find new ideas to play with. It will come to me.
Namaste...