A Letter To The Summerlands

It was twelve years ago today that I lost my sister. I had started to write this blog recalling every detail in the hopes that by doing so, I would maybe not grieve so much today, maybe not ache so much for my loss. However, during the course of writing I realized that, even though it may have been cathartic to me, reliving every detail of that day may hurt those I love more than they are already hurting. I know the details, as do they. There is no need to write them out. But how does one do something to help themselves, to heal themselves, without causing a renewed sense of loss to others? This question was rolling around inside my head when I had an idea. Instead of remembering the grievous details of the day 12 years ago, I am instead going to write a letter to her. I am going to lay it all on the line, the positive and negatives, and hope that this process will be the balm my soul needs to heal. I have a really hard time letting go sometimes and I feel my loss as deeply today as I did that day, maybe even more so. It is time to heal, to let go completely and between this idea of a letter and something that my husband is helping me with tomorrow evening, I can only hope that it is what I need to finally heal.

Dear Teresa,
         I miss you. There are so many times when I wish so badly that I could call you on the phone, tell you of the wonderful moments in my life, like when Nesa was born, or ask your advice when I am having a hard time coping with a situation. You were always there for me when I needed you to be, just as I hope I was there for you. I am still here for you. I have watched your girls grow and become women and mothers. I have shared in their celebrations as well as their tragedies. I have tried my best to be all that you asked me to be for them. I hope I have not failed you. Sometimes I am so angry with you for not being here and at those times I feel the loss of you so much more acutely. I could have used your strength when we lost mom. I felt so alone, so afraid. It was so hard on me to be the one to find her and then not have my sister here to hold me and anchor me. I needed you. Although I will never forget the day that your grand-daughter was born, never forget the moment when your line was reintroduced back into life and the honor I felt at being there to witness it, I would have given that moment up in a heartbeat to be the one waiting in the waiting room for you to come out, tears of joy streaming down your face as you told everyone the news. In that moment, as elated as I was, I was also angry that you were not here to hold Christina's hand as her life drastically changed. I have been so angry with you for leaving me with this task on my shoulders. It was so hard to watch them grow and know that no matter how hard I tried to be there for them, it was never going to be enough because I am not you. I am not their mom. It was incredibly painful to have to sit by and watch them act out and make bad choices knowing that the reason they did so was because of their grief for you. I see so much of you in them and although it makes me smile and most of the time I can think or comment on it and enjoy the moment, there is always a part of me that wishes that they could see how much they are like you for themselves. I can tell them, but a part of me wonders if they think I just say these things to help them feel connected to you. I hope they know that that is not the case and that they really do look and act so much like you because they are a part of you. I hope they know how special that is. Then there is Mya, your grand daughter who calls me grandma. As honored as I am by the title, by the relationship between her and I, again, I would give it up in an instant if it meant that you were here to be that for her. I show her pictures of you, tell her who you are to her. One day, when she is old enough to understand I will tell her all about you. The things Christina and Kimberly were not privy to. The things only a sister knows. You taught me so much Teresa and I miss your guidance, your sense of humor and just your very presence. I have so many memories and although they have become like treasures to me, sometimes, on days like today, they haunt me even while they make me smile and laugh through my tears. I just miss you so much. I don't think I will ever stop missing you. It is so unfair and I feel so cheated and robbed sometimes that it hurts. I love you my sister. Until we meet again in the Summerlands....good-bye, Namaste my sister.

All In A Touch

I had one of those moments last night. The kind that threatens tears and makes your heart feel as if it may burst with the sheer amount of pure love pouring into it. I was holding my grandson who, lately, has been going without the much needed scratch mittens, and as I was feeding him and pulling down the hands that he insistently keeps bringing to his mouth, I noticed something. He has my hands.This is the first time I have ever noticed something about him that is also a part of me. It was a very moving moment. Logically, I can say he is a part of me, as he is my grandson, son to my daughter whom is also a part of me. But to see something on him that is the exact same as something on me was a moment of connection for me. The fact that it happens to be, aside from the eyes, my favorite part of the human anatomy, just made it so much better. The eyes may be the windows to the soul, but the hands - the hands are the tether to the heart. They are the key component of touch and they can convey so much. They can be loving, erotic, comforting, healing, helping, supporting, encouraging, educating, empowering and active. They can also, on the flip side, be idle, harmful, hurting, dismissive and threatening. Yes, the hands and their touch, their movements, can say so much. And he has my hands. It makes me wonder what he will do with them as he grows and learns and changes. Right now, at almost 4 months old, he wonders in his ability to move them, put them in his mouth, suck on them, grab hair and fingers and play with his tongue. He will do so much yet with those hands, just as I have done so much with mine and will continue to do so. This physical connection is such a little thing, but it makes such an enormous impact on me. I wonder if every grandparent experiences these moments or if I am but a small percentage in the world who have allowed the moment to completely envelope me. I hope not. I hope that all people with all sorts of connections can stop their busy lives and allow all these precious moments to completely engulf them. Today's blog has not turned out to be what I had originally planned to write about but it is obviously what I needed to write about. I must say, I am happy for it. I leave you with a quote, a thought and perhaps a connection of your own to bask in.

“If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people.”   Thich Nhat Hanh

Namaste

Count Your Blessings, Name Them One By One

My cousin lost everything in a house fire yesterday, including his beloved dog. Thank the Gods neither himself nor his two sons were at home when it all happened. I have let him know that I am here for him should he have need of me, but aside from that I am not really sure what more can be done unless he asks it of me. The offer has been made and aside from sending out positive thoughts and prayers for him and his family in their time of need, there is really nothing else I can do at the moment. I hope he calls me and allows me to give him what solace and help that I can. I am his kin and I empathize with what he is going through. It hurts my heart to know that someone I love is going through such tragedy as I sit here and write. It makes me realize how truly blessed I am that my children and grandchildren are safe, healthy and happy, that my husband sits by my side everyday, that my extended family is there should I need them, that my home is stable and inviting, that I have friends that surround me, that there is food in our bellies and clothing on our backs. What more could a person really ask for in this life?  Love, family, friends, health, stability, food, clothing and home...in my opinion those are the necessities of life and I have them all and then some. I think people, as a whole, have a bad habit of taking their blessings for granted on a daily basis.  I know that I am guilty of doing it myself, something I am always trying to work on. It should not take an act of devastation, grief, trauma, tragedy or loss to make us realize what is and is not important or where we need to change as human beings, but that is quite often the way it goes. We tend to get so caught up our own lives and dramas that we seldom take the time to self reflect on what is really important to us until it is forced into our consciousness by these acts of awakening. I can admit that such has been the case for myself numerous times over my life. In fact, I can admit that it has happened here today as I sit and think on what my cousin must be going through and become more grateful for what I have been granted in my life. It shouldn't be this way but the fact remains that it is - but now I have a choice to make. I can let the unfortunate circumstances bleed their lesson into me and change myself permanently in a positive way or I can let the lesson wear off with time as I allow all the non-perfect moments to interfere with my gratitude and blind me to what really matters most. The choice to count each blessing and be grateful for them everyday, instead of just in moments of hardship, is mine, just as it is for every other person on the planet. I know the choice I will make. Do you?
Namaste

To Celebrate a Ghost

It is a hard thing, to lose a sibling you were so close with. It is a wound that never heals and sometimes begins to seep at the most unexpected times for time has no bearing on the heart. True time can ease the acute pain from the loss but it does not erase what has been and is still felt. Today is my sister's birthday and I miss her just as much today as I did the day she crossed into the boundary lands. Perhaps more so for life has changed so much since that day. I have tried to honor the promise I made her to care for her girls if anything ever happened to her. Now that they are both adults, one with a child of her own, I think I can safely say that to this date I have done so. It is a double edged knife though. One moment proud of what I have done in her name and proud of the people they are becoming and the next moment wishing that she could have been here to do it herself, to experience the things that I am experiencing in her stead. I have been standing in her shadow for them for the last 12 years and these moment can be hard to endure. Now, as I sit here wishing that I could call her to wish her a happy birthday, that I could plan a party for her or take her out to celebrate in some way, I am reminded of so many moments we shared together that, at the time, did not seem so monumental and important. These moments have remained the light within the darkness of my grief and I cherish them for the healing power they have become. They are my antidote when the sorrow threatens to overtake me. I can still see her smiling at me when I had my first baby and the pride that was one her face. I can still hear her laugh herself to tears and her voice as she told me of things that either pleased her or upset her. I can still feel the way she squeezed my hand for support when she had to stand tall for her girls during a difficult moment in their lives. I can still hear the way she cried when her heart was broken and hear the pleading in her voice as she looked to me to help soothe it. I can remember countless  moments where she was pulling pranks or telling jokes and just enjoying what life had given her. I can also remember moments where we were at each others throats, in total disagreement and threatened to never speak to each other again. Those moments  were typical sibling moments and never seemed to last for very long. No matter what though, I remember that when it counted, we were always there for each other in whatever capacity we needed to be. I remember her telling me she loved me and kissing me on the cheek a week before she passed away. That moment....that moment I believe her soul knew her fate even if she wasn't aware of it. All these little moments have forged themselves into the steel that is required to get through everyday without her and today is no exception. Today, as the tears pour down my face and my grief threatens to engulf me, I put my weight on these memories in the hopes that they will help me to stand tall as they do every other time I am missing her so much. Happy Birthday my sister...

Gifts From The Heart

Today is my birthday and so far I have spent it stirring up memories of birthdays past. I think for me, the most significant birthday memory I have is the one that became a tradition in some regards. Every year on my birthday when I was a little girl, my dad did the same thing. I would come home for lunch from school and he would be sitting at the kitchen table with his cassette player at the ready and he would play and sing the following song to me.

Happy Birthday Darlin' - Conway Twitty

Hello darling, happy birthday
I've decided not to give you a present this year
In fact I think it's about time I took some things away.

I'd like to take away the suspicion
That I know clouds your world at times
By giving you some faith to hold on to, honey
Whenever your hand is not in mine.

Happy birthday darling, I've no present, no fancy cake
But I hope I'll make you happy with everything I take.

I'd like to take away some of your lonely moments
By spending more time with you
And I'd like to take away some of those so, so kisses
And replace them with ones that really say, I love you.

And I want to take away the doubt
You sometimes have about my love
By showing it more, much more than I've shown you lately
And then if someone should ask you
What I got you for your birthday
Well you can say, why he didn't give me anything
But he sure took a lot of things away.

Happy birthday darling I've no present, no fancy cake
But I hope I'll make you happy with everything I take.

Happy birthday darling I've no present, no fancy cake
But I hope I'll make you happy with everything I take.

Happy birthday, darling...

As I sit here a grown woman, many years past this experience, I still have the same feelings I used to have when he would pull me onto his lap and sing this song for me.  Even as a child I understood what the words to this song were really telling me and what the meaning was of the act he was displaying just for me. Just as I did back then when my dad would bear his soul to me in this most heartfelt way, I want to cry. We didn't have a lot of money when I was a child and this was the only gift he ever gave me for my birthday but it is the best gift a daughter could ever hope for because it came from his heart. It was his vow to me to be there for me whenever I needed him to be, to love me no matter what I might say or do and to do whatever was in his power to do to make sure I always knew how important I was in his world and that I was always happy in mine. It is these gifts, the ones that stir the soul and make the heart overflow with love, that have always meant the most to me. For my birthday this year, all I want is the same thing. I want to make the hearts of everyone I hold dear overflow. I want to make their soul's sing and dance, their faces  smile and their worlds  right themselves, even just for today. I want to share this feeling that has risen to the surface with the memory of my dad and his gift with every person I love. This is my birthday wish, my Valentine's wish, to all of you. Live, laugh and love.....especially today.
Namaste

Soul Food

I have had an awesome weekend! Tomorrow is my birthday and so the love of my life as well as another loved one got together to throw me my very first  birthday party. It was themed on one of my favorite time periods, the 80's ! There was candy from that era, movie quotes pasted to the walls on decorative foam pieces, music video's from the 80's playing on the big screen and even the decorations looked like something out of Pretty In Pink. The homemade foods and cake were delicious! The most amazing thing about it all though were the guests. Usually we are all getting together because I am throwing a party for someone or something else, so it was so touching to see everyone there to help me celebrate my own birthday. There are no words to express how much that meant to me. I loved watching the kids dance along with me to the songs I grew up dancing too and even seeing the adults get their silliness on dressing and dancing like they would have during that time in their lives. Even those who were never around in the 80's were dressed up! It was awesome to see little mini "crybabies" and pop queens:) From skater rolled jeans, to flashy gold pants, to the gothic look and good old fashion punk, the diversity of the outfits and the effort put into them was outstanding! I felt so loved and I could not have thought of a better way to celebrate than with those I love. It was magical:) There are no words that are adequate enough to thank everyone. It was definitely a soul nourishing experience. I am so very blessed.

Unsettled

I had a horrible dream as I lay down to take a nap this morning. I don't think I need to go into exactly what the dream was about but just let me say that it has left me feeling very unsettled. I just want to cry, even now, hours after I have cleared the cobwebs from my eyes because the content was just so disturbing to me. The emotions of the dream are still very much haunting me. I am trying to let it go, let it wash itself away from my mind because I am a firm believer that what we think of most will become our realities, and I certainly do not want that dream to become mine. That reality would leave me broken inside and I do not even want to contemplate how life would be. It does have me thinking though about whether or not my loved ones know how much I love them. Do they know, at all times, that my love for them can sometimes be painful to me? That the thought of not having one of them in my life for whatever reason means that there would always be this chasm in my heart that could never be repaired? I have had to grieve the loss of my loved ones who have passed and I hope that I am honoring their memory with the choices I make. I think of them and sometimes I cry, sometimes I laugh or smile. But when I look to the people who are still here with me everyday and I think about my time with them being taken from me...the anguish I feel inside is enough to break me into a million pieces. Now, as I sit here typing with the ghost of that horrible dream surrounding me like a fog, I wonder if I do enough, say enough, show enough, appreciate enough and love enough. I ponder whether or not they think I have made a positive impact on their lives and if I have somehow fed their souls and helped to nurture them, even in some small way. I also begin to think of ways that I can improve those connections and relationships so that I know I have given of myself and done the very best I could to make sure those I love never have to wonder whether or not I loved them. I suppose this is my silver lining as I try and make some sort of sense out of my dream.
Namaste....I love you

The Perfectly Planned Surprise

I don't usually write at night. Most of the time I am getting ready to send myself to bed to read and unwind after a long day. Tonight though, I am writing as I wait for the clock to strike 10 and my overnight shift with my adorable grandson to begin. I enjoy the time I get to spend with him one on one. While the rest of the house is off to dreamland, I am making sure he is well fed and changed, cuddled against my chest while I tell him stories or sing him some not-so-traditional lullaby's. Most grandmother's don't really get to experience what I do because not all are lucky enough to have their grandchildren residing under the same roof as them. I have to admit, if someone would have told me a year ago that I would be spending tonight tending to my grandson I would have told them they were on drugs. This was never the way I saw things unfolding. I didn't expect to have a grandson before I even turned 35 and I surely never expected to have my daughter and her new family living under the same roof with me when it did finally happen. Life is funny that way I suppose. We spend a lot of time planning our lives and our futures only to have the unexpected happen all the time to change the direction we thought we were heading in. Sometimes these changes in our course are positive like when each of my girls were born, sometimes not so much, but all changes can lead to new opportunities and blessings which perhaps we never knew we wanted but are so grateful we have received. At least this is the way I feel when I am starring down into my grandson's perfect little face, wondering if he can see me yet, knowing without a doubt that he can feel the love in my heart for him. I remember those quiet times with each of my daughters...seeing those same looks of recognition, feeling the exchange of energy as the bond is created and knowing that we are connected together for all time. It was amazing and life changing then and it still is. The power of unconditional love.

In Sickness And In Health: A Marriage To Oneself

Good morning all. I am going to cut to the chase because I have a lot to say regarding today's choice of wisdom.

Today's Quote:  "This is the true joy in life--the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy." - George Bernard Shaw

There are a couple different reasons why I chose this quote today. The first is because I agree with it completely. The second, however, is that lately I have been feeling more like the latter part of this message than the former and I needed to give myself a good hard shake to wake myself up. Having said that though, I do not think the world should devote itself to making me happy. No one and nothing can MAKE me anything. That is a choice I make for myself. However, I have been feeling somewhat like a clod of ailments and grievances. I can admit that I have not been feeling at my best. I have had my physical challenges reminding me in their ever persistent and painful ways that I do, in fact, have limitations. I seem to have sponged up some sort of virus that has been going through my house and friends like a wild fire, there have been the stresses of life in general and there is also my birthday coming up and my realization that I have had to disappoint some people because of my own shortcomings.  I am also feeling a bit disappointed with myself for letting these things blind me from seeing and following my goals in life. The result is that I have been feeling somewhat limited, overwhelmed and stressed out these past few days. It never ceases to amaze me how, if we are looking for them, the answers are always there for us. Such was the case for me this morning. Before I found today's choice quote and decided to start writing, I was sitting and drinking my morning cup of tea when I had one of those moments of sheer "well duh!". Some would call them epiphanies I suppose, but I like to think of them more as the moment when our minds decide to turn their lights on for a moment, enabling us a better glimpse of it's working parts. My personal glimpse this morning told me that I was being a very sad and lazy person lately. I had allowed my physical challenges, like health and pain, to overwhelm my greatest strength...my mind. I had allowed the physical cues to convince me that I was not able to deal with the other challenges I wanted to face, the goals I had made for myself, the victories I could all but taste on my tongue. I was allowing my own tainted perceptions to add to my overall health. Do I feel well today? On a physical level, no not really if I am being completely honest but here is an even bigger question...am I going to allow it to control me? No. I am not. I have endometriosis and with it comes physical limitations. That is just a fact. So instead of letting the pain levels drag me into a state of depression I will respect those limitations, but I will no longer succumb to them. I have a virus wracking my body but that doesn't mean it needs to take hold of my entire outlook. It just means that I will have to modify my schedule for the next couple days to allow myself to heal. I have allowed the issues of life to stress me out to the point of overwhelming my ability  to problem solve lately but that too is going to be changed. I am more than capable of handling any challenge that life throws at me because I am an intelligent woman with so many resources at my disposal if I would just utilize them more. These are all purposes I consider to be mighty and worthy of my time and energy. These are things that will improve my life, my outlook, my health and my growth as a person. This is how I can once again become a force of nature. I bid you all a glorious day and a moment of clarity to enhance your lives for the better. May you all be blessed.

Namaste

Building An Improved Model of Self

Good Morning all. I would not usually use a quote directed at a certain religious bent however this one I believe can be modified to fit anyone's beliefs. In my opinion the message it relays is far more important than any correlation between it and any one religious path.

Today's Quote: "Just in case you believe that great social problems are beyond your scope, consider this story: God said to me: Your task is to build a better world. I answered: How can I do that? The world is such a large, vast place, so complicated now, and I am so small and useless. There's nothing I can do. But God in his great wisdom said: Just build a better you." - Anonymous

 For those who know me, you all know that I am Wiccan so if I can see set aside the religious aspects of this quote and grasp the message that by being the best human being I can be, I can change my world, I think that anyone can find this quote just as inspirational. I would consider this quote to be just as profound had the conversation been between a parent/child, teacher/pupil, or any other type of relationship dynamic that exists in the world. The key, for me anyway, is not the word God. It is the overall message that we, as individual people, have the power to change the world for the better. By making ourselves into what we each consider to be good people filled with love, understanding and compassion, we directly influence those around us. If we live our lives like the entire world is watching us and using us as the example of how life should be lived, we have the opportunity to lead by good example, to show people who perhaps do not know how to live in such a way that it is possible and the bounty that comes with it. If we can influence just the people in our immediate circles, then those people influence the people in their circles and so on and so forth until before we know it, our example has been extended beyond any scope of what we conceived even possible. This is how one person CAN change the world that they exist in. Can you imagine the possibilities of this effect on a world wide scale? If every person was to build themselves to be better people than they were before? The result would be unlike anything we have ever experienced. Life would be drastically different from the one in which we all currently live.  Now, I am not saying that by doing so we can remove every single negative aspect of life. With so many unique people from different cultures and beliefs, different backgrounds and moral compasses existing on one planet together there are bound to be challenges and hardships, the clashing of ideas and opinions.  However, if each of us were working on building ourselves into better people, perhaps those troubled times would not becoming all encompassing global problems and everyone would get what they need to live their lives as peacefully and productively as possible. Becoming a better person, never mind a better species, does not happen over night. It is a process that we have to constantly be working on to improve. It requires an open mind and heart, determination, forgiveness, as well as knowledge, experience, support and education. There has to be honesty with ourselves and others, empathy, communication and a willingness to see things from another persons perspective so that we can understand our fellow human beings better and help them to improve their own circumstances. It takes a lot of hard work to build ourselves into the best people we can possibly be, but the rewards of taking the steps have the ability to change not only our own lives for the better but the entire population, one person at a time. I invite you all to become the best people you can be, to influence those around you so that the ripple effect of your productivity and hard work can enhance the lives of so many others. Even the smallest improvement can have dramatic results.

Namaste

Patience, My Arch Enemy

Happy New year one and all! A new cycle has been started as of yesterday and so lies ahead a blank canvas, waiting for the colors and forms we decide to brush onto it by the choices we make and the joys and sorrows we allow to define us.  The New year, for myself, has already seen it's first test and as I struggle to pass it, I thought I would share a quote that is helping me fight this particular battle.

Today's Quote:  "Adopt the pace of nature:  her secret is patience. " ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I often struggle with this concept of patience. There are times when it comes naturally to me, where I know that my patience is as necessary as breathing and then there are times when patience feels like my nemesis, taunting me constantly. I have had the latter feeling settle over me three times over the last 2 days. First, while I waited to hear how my grandson was after his mom and dad had taken him to the emergency room New Years Eve. I was a little bit of a wreak and I can admit that it took every ounce of my will power not to jump into my car and drive to the hospital. I hate not knowing what is happening, I hate feeling helpless to do anything but sit and wait. The minutes seem to become hours in those moments and when I finally did get the phone call that he was fine, it was like a giant weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I was free once again to enjoy my evening.  Then there was the news of my brother being in an accident although I have heard on my brother, and that has settled my mind to some degree. I must confess though that my brain is at war with my heart in that matter.  I am glad he is ok and  I pray to the Gods that the other driver is as well, pray that lessons have been learned and that the cost will not be too incredibly high but at the same time, he is a grown man who made his choices and he should have to face the consequences for his actions. He made a huge mistake and I hope he has learned from it. It does not make him a bad person and he should get a chance to pay his penance and move forward with more knowledge and understanding of himself and those around him.  Then there was learning that my Aunt had also been taken to the hospital via ambulance because she was having difficulty breathing.  I still am waiting to hear about her and trying to convince my brain that no news is good news and that all will be well but having to be patient and wait to have that confirmed is like torture to my "need to know" way of thinking. A lot on my mind requiring me to be patient but in moments like this it is such a trail for me.  I am doing my best and that has to be enough. It's so weird though, how I can be so patient with a sick person or a baby that just wants to be held as he screams his tiny little lungs out in discomfort yet in the moments when it is even more conducive to be patient, I struggle with all I am worth to find that settling calm. My impatience will not get me any further along, will not help me in any sort of way to deal or process the situation. It won't get me the answers I seek any quicker and won't help to settle my mind any better. In face, it will just grate on my sensitive nerves and keep me locked in a battle that I just have no control over to win. And so, I will take a page from nature, from my little plant that is blooming, the weather that is slowly but surely changing it's ways, the cycles that are happening all around me in their own time and space and I will use their knowledge and energy to help steer my own. I will be patient, because sometimes, that is all you can be. 

Namaste

Washing It Clean

Good day everyone! Today's quote was inspired by a feeling that settled over me like a cloak today as I was giving my grandson a bath for the very first time. It is amazing how such a simple chore such as that has the power to completely swell the heart when one takes notice of the joy of the moment. 

Today's Quote: "There is one armor that the world of men and women, as a world, has never yet put on.  The churches have long bungled with its fastenings, but the world has gone unfended, and few have been those in whose hands the mystical sword of the spirit has shone with daily use.  This armor, waiting to be worn, is the armor of brotherhood and sacrifice, the world of unselfishness, a conquering sword, with the power, where used, to unite the world in love.  And there are none who may not put it on."  ~M.A. DeWolfe Howe

I felt so at peace, even amongst the tiny little screeching lungs of my grandson, while I gave him his bath today. I was so happy to just have the opportunity to love him so much, to tend to such a simple task that helps to keep him healthy and just to be someone he is already, in his 3 days of life, beginning to recognize as someone who does love him and see's to his needs, someone he is safe with. I thought to myself how wonderful the world could really be if everyone would do as I was doing in that moment, enjoying such a simple pleasure and not letting the negative, such as his crying, outweigh the positive of the experience. I was bathing him not for myself but for him and his mom and dad, to help them out because I could, because I wanted to, because I was honored to.  It was a purely unselfish act carried out with such love and peace within me and the moment was so beautiful and magical that I just wanted every person in the world to have that in their lives the way I was having it in mine. I have not always been so giving, have not always been so affected by such simple things but none of that matters. Anyone, at any given point in time, can make the choice to be happy, to love deeply and share that love with everyone they meet, to take the moments like the one I had today and let it feed their soul. If instead of people hurting others for profit, revenge,  pride (or any of the other multitude of reasons why the human race can't just all get along) they were to embrace each other, celebrate the differences, the things we can all learn from one another to enrich our lives,  there would be such bliss amongst mankind. If everyone could just hold on to those moments of peace, like what I felt today, and chase after those feelings with as much vigor as they chase after their hatred, rage and feelings of negativity, this thing we call life would be so magical for everyone, not just some people. I hope everyone can have their moments of utter bliss and recognize them for what they are. We are truly blessed when we are able to get past everything else to savor the finer things in life.

Namaste

Christmas Treasures

Hello everyone! It has been a very emotional last few days. My daughter was induced on the the 22nd and at 3:13pm Christmas Day, I was blessed with the best gift one could possible ask for...my grandson! It has been a season of blessings, family and gratitude and so today's quote is a reflection of that. 

Today's quote: "We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures."  ~Thornton Wilder


I cannot believe my grandson is finally here! It seems almost surreal. Perhaps it is because he has yet to leave the hospital and come home. Perhaps it is because I just cannot believe I was lucky enough to receive such a treasure. I know that for myself, the giving of a new life, being there to be a part of it all, has a profound effect on how I view everything around me which was only magnified by watching my grandson come into this world. I went running down the halls, tears streaming my face, my heart full to near bursting to tell my awaiting loved ones that FINALLY, after almost 3 days of sitting on pins and needles, he was here. I believe those were my actual words...he's here. Even now, it brings tears to my eyes just to replay his birth and the time since in my mind. I am extremely grateful to the Gods and to my beautiful daughter and her boyfriend for making it possible for me to be feeling so incredibly blessed. I am so very proud of them all. My daughter, for her strength and courage, her boyfriend for sticking with her even when she got grumpy and my beautiful grandson Nesa for staying strong and changing all of our lives with his presence. There are really no words to express the depth of the emotions. I can say that I am truly alive in these moments, for I have more than recognized all the treasures I have been granted in my life. I hope that all of you reading this can stop and become aware of all the blessings you have been given and appreciate them all for the miracles they are. Life is as good as we want it to be, as precious and glorious as we allow it to be. Realize your treasures and LIVE to the fullest potential of your entire being because of them.
Namaste

A Yule Miracle

Merry Meet and Blessed Yule! I have had an emotional rollercoaster of a day but in the end, it was as it was meant to be. I found out today that my daughter will be induced on Friday morning, which means that I will have a brand new grandson this solstice! I have so many emotions running through me that it is hard for me to concentrate, so when I read the quote I have chosen for today and felt a little weepy over it, I knew it was the right quote at the right time. I knew, just like the arrival of my miracle grandson, that it was just meant to be.

Today's quote: "Soon I will be an old, white-haired lady, into whose lap someone places a baby, saying "Smile Grandma!" - I, who myself so recently was photographed on my grandmother's lap." Liv Ullmann

I chose this quote because it is completely relates to my life today. I have a picture of myself on my fourth birthday, sitting on my grandmother's lap with the doll she had gifted me in tow. That picture is full of memories for me, especially since I lost her 7 years after that birthday. I remember looking at that picture when it was housed in my mother's photo album and my mother saying to me "do you remember what you said to Grandma when that picture was taken?" I replied that I didn't and she told me that I had sat on my grandmother's knee and said to her, "Grandma, will you still love me now that I'm four?" My mother told me that it took everything in their power not to burst out in laughter at the seriousness with which I had asked the question. I can imagine it was a priceless moment for them, just as the memory of it still is for me thirty years later. Now, only a couple days away from being blessed with MY first grandchild, I am anxiously awaiting all the moments like that that him and I will create together. For those of you who do not know the backstory, my daughter was scheduled to have gynecological surgery a week after she found out she was pregnant. That surgery had the probability of making it extremely difficult, if not impossible, for her to have a child. The news was a miracle to us and I know that I believe, with all my heart, that the Gods were smiling down on us. Now, with her going in for an induction just one day after Yule, I find myself thinking about the symbolism of the miracle grandson coming at a time when my belief is celebrating the birth of the Sun King. I know, without a doubt, that he is going to do wonderful things in life. He has been placed in our hands and hearts against all odds because he has an important purpose in this world. I can feel the truth of this with all my being. I cannot even express how completely blessed I am feeling at this moment. Tomorrow night, while I celebrate Yule, I will be making sure that I bestow my gratitude for the gift I am being granted in the form of my grandson, as well as the precious gifts I have already been given in the forms of my children, husband and the numerous other family members and friends that I have in my life. This is what utter and complete happiness feels like. I wish you all a very Blessed Yule/Merry Christmas/Season's Greetings/ Happy Kwanza, Joyful Hanukkah and any other celebration you may take part in this holiday season. May your lives be enriched with love and peace.

Namaste

Beautiful

Good morning all. I must confess, I woke up this morning feeling a little mushy and so today's quote is a reflection of that. I don't know if it was just a beautiful morning, or if the energy of the season is taking me in it's grasp but regardless of the why, I know the how and that is what is most important to me.

Today's Quote: "I am so glad that you are here... It helps me realize how beautiful my world is." Goethe

As I stated earlier, I am not sure what has made me contemplate such things today but I find myself looking at the people in my life, the many roles they each play and just how those roles affect my world. There are some, of course, that are not the most pleasant to have to deal with at times but for the most part, the people I have chosen to surround myself with all add to my existence in some way, shape or form. There is my husband, whose love for me gives me strength and courage to be able to overcome any obstacle that may cross my path. His unshakable faith in me and my abilities to grow and become all that I desire are a constant beacon when I feel that I have lost my way. My children also have added to my life in more ways than I could possibly ever count. Sometimes, the role of being a parent can be exhausting and frustrating, but the unconditional love, the growth and learning together...those are experiences that I would never trade for anything in the world. There is my extended family; my dad and siblings, nieces, nephews and cousins, whose influence and support has helped to mold me into the person I am today and for which I will always be eternally grateful. There are the numerous friends and family that I have claimed as my own just because they are special people and lighten my heart when I think of them. So many wonderful people have come into my life and as the quote states, I am so glad you are all here making my world beautiful.
Namaste 

The Continuance of the Generations

Good morning and Merry Meet everyone! I have had so much going on recently that I have just not had the time to sit and write and for that I apologize. The holidays are only a couple weeks away and as you may or may not be aware, I am expecting my first grandchild any time now. I am constantly on pins and needles, waiting to hear the words" Mom, I think I'm in labor"! It won't be long now. So with a host of emotions filtering through my mind at the moment, I have decided to choose a quote on this life altering experience.

Today's Quote: "Because they've either conveniently forgotten with time or they're trying to be supportive, most mothers won't tell you how hard pregnancy (and then childbirth) can be. Let me tell you, it is. It's brutal sometimes! But, if I did it, ANYONE can do it. I mean, I always knew I was meant to do something really BIG in life, and now I know that this was it. Screw winning an Academy Award someday....I GAVE BIRTH!" Jenny McCarthy, Belly Laughs


When I read this quote I can't help but smile at it because it reminds me so much of when I was expecting my first child. I was very young and so I remember asking my mother all sorts of things! I mean let's face it, who would be better to ask than the woman who brought you into this world?  She would look at me with such patience, her eyes would light up and a smile would cross her face.  Now I understand what that look really means. It's the look that says " I am so proud of you.  I am honored that you are coming to me with your questions and grateful that I have the answers you need." As a parent to an adult child, it can, at times, feel like our time to influence them has come to pass. When the opportunity to once again be their fountains of knowledge presents itself, we can't help but feel that sense of wonder at it all. Now, when my daughter comes to me with her legion of inquiries, I find myself giving her that same bright-eyed smiling look. I answer all her questions and just like my mother never lied to me about all the ups and downs of pregnancy, birth and everything that is to come afterward, I try my best to be as forthcoming with her. Creating life and being the one to bring it into this world is a beautiful, magical experience full of joy and wonder, but it is also a very trying time on the body, mind and soul. It causes you to change as a person and your relationships with other people change as well. You are never again the person you used to be. Designer jeans are traded in for comfortable sweat pants. The freedom to just go out whenever you want is replaced with tending a sick child who only wants to be cuddled and soothed when you have plans to be somewhere else. The stress of wanting only the best for them and fearing you are not able to give them that is a constant part of your mind. It is a 24/7/365 commitment and let me tell you, it does not end when they reach adulthood. It just changes.  I remember my mother telling me, "it is the hardest, most grueling and under appreciated job in the world, but the most important tasks of life usually are this way". My mother had the right of it all those years ago and now I sit on the brink of a new chapter in my life, one I get to share with my daughter as she faces the challenges and rewards of being a mom. All I can hope for is that the lessons I have tried to instill in her have taken root and that I will see them bloom and flourish in the life of my grandson. I am a mother of three beautiful girls who are all but grown now and while they sometimes frustrate and stress me out to no end..I wouldn't change it for the world.
Namaste