All In A Touch

I had one of those moments last night. The kind that threatens tears and makes your heart feel as if it may burst with the sheer amount of pure love pouring into it. I was holding my grandson who, lately, has been going without the much needed scratch mittens, and as I was feeding him and pulling down the hands that he insistently keeps bringing to his mouth, I noticed something. He has my hands.This is the first time I have ever noticed something about him that is also a part of me. It was a very moving moment. Logically, I can say he is a part of me, as he is my grandson, son to my daughter whom is also a part of me. But to see something on him that is the exact same as something on me was a moment of connection for me. The fact that it happens to be, aside from the eyes, my favorite part of the human anatomy, just made it so much better. The eyes may be the windows to the soul, but the hands - the hands are the tether to the heart. They are the key component of touch and they can convey so much. They can be loving, erotic, comforting, healing, helping, supporting, encouraging, educating, empowering and active. They can also, on the flip side, be idle, harmful, hurting, dismissive and threatening. Yes, the hands and their touch, their movements, can say so much. And he has my hands. It makes me wonder what he will do with them as he grows and learns and changes. Right now, at almost 4 months old, he wonders in his ability to move them, put them in his mouth, suck on them, grab hair and fingers and play with his tongue. He will do so much yet with those hands, just as I have done so much with mine and will continue to do so. This physical connection is such a little thing, but it makes such an enormous impact on me. I wonder if every grandparent experiences these moments or if I am but a small percentage in the world who have allowed the moment to completely envelope me. I hope not. I hope that all people with all sorts of connections can stop their busy lives and allow all these precious moments to completely engulf them. Today's blog has not turned out to be what I had originally planned to write about but it is obviously what I needed to write about. I must say, I am happy for it. I leave you with a quote, a thought and perhaps a connection of your own to bask in.

“If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people.”   Thich Nhat Hanh

Namaste

To Celebrate a Ghost

It is a hard thing, to lose a sibling you were so close with. It is a wound that never heals and sometimes begins to seep at the most unexpected times for time has no bearing on the heart. True time can ease the acute pain from the loss but it does not erase what has been and is still felt. Today is my sister's birthday and I miss her just as much today as I did the day she crossed into the boundary lands. Perhaps more so for life has changed so much since that day. I have tried to honor the promise I made her to care for her girls if anything ever happened to her. Now that they are both adults, one with a child of her own, I think I can safely say that to this date I have done so. It is a double edged knife though. One moment proud of what I have done in her name and proud of the people they are becoming and the next moment wishing that she could have been here to do it herself, to experience the things that I am experiencing in her stead. I have been standing in her shadow for them for the last 12 years and these moment can be hard to endure. Now, as I sit here wishing that I could call her to wish her a happy birthday, that I could plan a party for her or take her out to celebrate in some way, I am reminded of so many moments we shared together that, at the time, did not seem so monumental and important. These moments have remained the light within the darkness of my grief and I cherish them for the healing power they have become. They are my antidote when the sorrow threatens to overtake me. I can still see her smiling at me when I had my first baby and the pride that was one her face. I can still hear her laugh herself to tears and her voice as she told me of things that either pleased her or upset her. I can still feel the way she squeezed my hand for support when she had to stand tall for her girls during a difficult moment in their lives. I can still hear the way she cried when her heart was broken and hear the pleading in her voice as she looked to me to help soothe it. I can remember countless  moments where she was pulling pranks or telling jokes and just enjoying what life had given her. I can also remember moments where we were at each others throats, in total disagreement and threatened to never speak to each other again. Those moments  were typical sibling moments and never seemed to last for very long. No matter what though, I remember that when it counted, we were always there for each other in whatever capacity we needed to be. I remember her telling me she loved me and kissing me on the cheek a week before she passed away. That moment....that moment I believe her soul knew her fate even if she wasn't aware of it. All these little moments have forged themselves into the steel that is required to get through everyday without her and today is no exception. Today, as the tears pour down my face and my grief threatens to engulf me, I put my weight on these memories in the hopes that they will help me to stand tall as they do every other time I am missing her so much. Happy Birthday my sister...

Gifts From The Heart

Today is my birthday and so far I have spent it stirring up memories of birthdays past. I think for me, the most significant birthday memory I have is the one that became a tradition in some regards. Every year on my birthday when I was a little girl, my dad did the same thing. I would come home for lunch from school and he would be sitting at the kitchen table with his cassette player at the ready and he would play and sing the following song to me.

Happy Birthday Darlin' - Conway Twitty

Hello darling, happy birthday
I've decided not to give you a present this year
In fact I think it's about time I took some things away.

I'd like to take away the suspicion
That I know clouds your world at times
By giving you some faith to hold on to, honey
Whenever your hand is not in mine.

Happy birthday darling, I've no present, no fancy cake
But I hope I'll make you happy with everything I take.

I'd like to take away some of your lonely moments
By spending more time with you
And I'd like to take away some of those so, so kisses
And replace them with ones that really say, I love you.

And I want to take away the doubt
You sometimes have about my love
By showing it more, much more than I've shown you lately
And then if someone should ask you
What I got you for your birthday
Well you can say, why he didn't give me anything
But he sure took a lot of things away.

Happy birthday darling I've no present, no fancy cake
But I hope I'll make you happy with everything I take.

Happy birthday darling I've no present, no fancy cake
But I hope I'll make you happy with everything I take.

Happy birthday, darling...

As I sit here a grown woman, many years past this experience, I still have the same feelings I used to have when he would pull me onto his lap and sing this song for me.  Even as a child I understood what the words to this song were really telling me and what the meaning was of the act he was displaying just for me. Just as I did back then when my dad would bear his soul to me in this most heartfelt way, I want to cry. We didn't have a lot of money when I was a child and this was the only gift he ever gave me for my birthday but it is the best gift a daughter could ever hope for because it came from his heart. It was his vow to me to be there for me whenever I needed him to be, to love me no matter what I might say or do and to do whatever was in his power to do to make sure I always knew how important I was in his world and that I was always happy in mine. It is these gifts, the ones that stir the soul and make the heart overflow with love, that have always meant the most to me. For my birthday this year, all I want is the same thing. I want to make the hearts of everyone I hold dear overflow. I want to make their soul's sing and dance, their faces  smile and their worlds  right themselves, even just for today. I want to share this feeling that has risen to the surface with the memory of my dad and his gift with every person I love. This is my birthday wish, my Valentine's wish, to all of you. Live, laugh and love.....especially today.
Namaste

Soul Food

I have had an awesome weekend! Tomorrow is my birthday and so the love of my life as well as another loved one got together to throw me my very first  birthday party. It was themed on one of my favorite time periods, the 80's ! There was candy from that era, movie quotes pasted to the walls on decorative foam pieces, music video's from the 80's playing on the big screen and even the decorations looked like something out of Pretty In Pink. The homemade foods and cake were delicious! The most amazing thing about it all though were the guests. Usually we are all getting together because I am throwing a party for someone or something else, so it was so touching to see everyone there to help me celebrate my own birthday. There are no words to express how much that meant to me. I loved watching the kids dance along with me to the songs I grew up dancing too and even seeing the adults get their silliness on dressing and dancing like they would have during that time in their lives. Even those who were never around in the 80's were dressed up! It was awesome to see little mini "crybabies" and pop queens:) From skater rolled jeans, to flashy gold pants, to the gothic look and good old fashion punk, the diversity of the outfits and the effort put into them was outstanding! I felt so loved and I could not have thought of a better way to celebrate than with those I love. It was magical:) There are no words that are adequate enough to thank everyone. It was definitely a soul nourishing experience. I am so very blessed.

The Perfectly Planned Surprise

I don't usually write at night. Most of the time I am getting ready to send myself to bed to read and unwind after a long day. Tonight though, I am writing as I wait for the clock to strike 10 and my overnight shift with my adorable grandson to begin. I enjoy the time I get to spend with him one on one. While the rest of the house is off to dreamland, I am making sure he is well fed and changed, cuddled against my chest while I tell him stories or sing him some not-so-traditional lullaby's. Most grandmother's don't really get to experience what I do because not all are lucky enough to have their grandchildren residing under the same roof as them. I have to admit, if someone would have told me a year ago that I would be spending tonight tending to my grandson I would have told them they were on drugs. This was never the way I saw things unfolding. I didn't expect to have a grandson before I even turned 35 and I surely never expected to have my daughter and her new family living under the same roof with me when it did finally happen. Life is funny that way I suppose. We spend a lot of time planning our lives and our futures only to have the unexpected happen all the time to change the direction we thought we were heading in. Sometimes these changes in our course are positive like when each of my girls were born, sometimes not so much, but all changes can lead to new opportunities and blessings which perhaps we never knew we wanted but are so grateful we have received. At least this is the way I feel when I am starring down into my grandson's perfect little face, wondering if he can see me yet, knowing without a doubt that he can feel the love in my heart for him. I remember those quiet times with each of my daughters...seeing those same looks of recognition, feeling the exchange of energy as the bond is created and knowing that we are connected together for all time. It was amazing and life changing then and it still is. The power of unconditional love.

A Yule Miracle

Merry Meet and Blessed Yule! I have had an emotional rollercoaster of a day but in the end, it was as it was meant to be. I found out today that my daughter will be induced on Friday morning, which means that I will have a brand new grandson this solstice! I have so many emotions running through me that it is hard for me to concentrate, so when I read the quote I have chosen for today and felt a little weepy over it, I knew it was the right quote at the right time. I knew, just like the arrival of my miracle grandson, that it was just meant to be.

Today's quote: "Soon I will be an old, white-haired lady, into whose lap someone places a baby, saying "Smile Grandma!" - I, who myself so recently was photographed on my grandmother's lap." Liv Ullmann

I chose this quote because it is completely relates to my life today. I have a picture of myself on my fourth birthday, sitting on my grandmother's lap with the doll she had gifted me in tow. That picture is full of memories for me, especially since I lost her 7 years after that birthday. I remember looking at that picture when it was housed in my mother's photo album and my mother saying to me "do you remember what you said to Grandma when that picture was taken?" I replied that I didn't and she told me that I had sat on my grandmother's knee and said to her, "Grandma, will you still love me now that I'm four?" My mother told me that it took everything in their power not to burst out in laughter at the seriousness with which I had asked the question. I can imagine it was a priceless moment for them, just as the memory of it still is for me thirty years later. Now, only a couple days away from being blessed with MY first grandchild, I am anxiously awaiting all the moments like that that him and I will create together. For those of you who do not know the backstory, my daughter was scheduled to have gynecological surgery a week after she found out she was pregnant. That surgery had the probability of making it extremely difficult, if not impossible, for her to have a child. The news was a miracle to us and I know that I believe, with all my heart, that the Gods were smiling down on us. Now, with her going in for an induction just one day after Yule, I find myself thinking about the symbolism of the miracle grandson coming at a time when my belief is celebrating the birth of the Sun King. I know, without a doubt, that he is going to do wonderful things in life. He has been placed in our hands and hearts against all odds because he has an important purpose in this world. I can feel the truth of this with all my being. I cannot even express how completely blessed I am feeling at this moment. Tomorrow night, while I celebrate Yule, I will be making sure that I bestow my gratitude for the gift I am being granted in the form of my grandson, as well as the precious gifts I have already been given in the forms of my children, husband and the numerous other family members and friends that I have in my life. This is what utter and complete happiness feels like. I wish you all a very Blessed Yule/Merry Christmas/Season's Greetings/ Happy Kwanza, Joyful Hanukkah and any other celebration you may take part in this holiday season. May your lives be enriched with love and peace.

Namaste

The Continuance of the Generations

Good morning and Merry Meet everyone! I have had so much going on recently that I have just not had the time to sit and write and for that I apologize. The holidays are only a couple weeks away and as you may or may not be aware, I am expecting my first grandchild any time now. I am constantly on pins and needles, waiting to hear the words" Mom, I think I'm in labor"! It won't be long now. So with a host of emotions filtering through my mind at the moment, I have decided to choose a quote on this life altering experience.

Today's Quote: "Because they've either conveniently forgotten with time or they're trying to be supportive, most mothers won't tell you how hard pregnancy (and then childbirth) can be. Let me tell you, it is. It's brutal sometimes! But, if I did it, ANYONE can do it. I mean, I always knew I was meant to do something really BIG in life, and now I know that this was it. Screw winning an Academy Award someday....I GAVE BIRTH!" Jenny McCarthy, Belly Laughs


When I read this quote I can't help but smile at it because it reminds me so much of when I was expecting my first child. I was very young and so I remember asking my mother all sorts of things! I mean let's face it, who would be better to ask than the woman who brought you into this world?  She would look at me with such patience, her eyes would light up and a smile would cross her face.  Now I understand what that look really means. It's the look that says " I am so proud of you.  I am honored that you are coming to me with your questions and grateful that I have the answers you need." As a parent to an adult child, it can, at times, feel like our time to influence them has come to pass. When the opportunity to once again be their fountains of knowledge presents itself, we can't help but feel that sense of wonder at it all. Now, when my daughter comes to me with her legion of inquiries, I find myself giving her that same bright-eyed smiling look. I answer all her questions and just like my mother never lied to me about all the ups and downs of pregnancy, birth and everything that is to come afterward, I try my best to be as forthcoming with her. Creating life and being the one to bring it into this world is a beautiful, magical experience full of joy and wonder, but it is also a very trying time on the body, mind and soul. It causes you to change as a person and your relationships with other people change as well. You are never again the person you used to be. Designer jeans are traded in for comfortable sweat pants. The freedom to just go out whenever you want is replaced with tending a sick child who only wants to be cuddled and soothed when you have plans to be somewhere else. The stress of wanting only the best for them and fearing you are not able to give them that is a constant part of your mind. It is a 24/7/365 commitment and let me tell you, it does not end when they reach adulthood. It just changes.  I remember my mother telling me, "it is the hardest, most grueling and under appreciated job in the world, but the most important tasks of life usually are this way". My mother had the right of it all those years ago and now I sit on the brink of a new chapter in my life, one I get to share with my daughter as she faces the challenges and rewards of being a mom. All I can hope for is that the lessons I have tried to instill in her have taken root and that I will see them bloom and flourish in the life of my grandson. I am a mother of three beautiful girls who are all but grown now and while they sometimes frustrate and stress me out to no end..I wouldn't change it for the world.
Namaste