Life is SO complex....or is it?

It has been a long while since I have written. There has been a lot going on around me lately and I just haven't felt that all consuming urge to write. I suppose the craziness that is the zoo of my household has just left me without the energy nor time to just sit and reflect on what it is I am doing, feeling, thinking or processing as of late. I am sitting here, it is early morning  and I have not yet finished my morning cup of tea but I am determined that something become of this blog posting today. What that something is, however, still eludes me. There is a lot percolating inside my head at the moment and some of it is just the mundane, such as what I should prepare for dinner, or the laundry waiting for my attention downstairs. Some of it is creative in nature; like trying to decide what I want to do to the gown I am in the process of making. Some of them are the result of the experiences I have been having and others have to do with the daily requirements and stresses of running a household.  All these random thoughts and I am not really sure which ones my mind will decide to latch on to for the day, So far they are all like little floating balloons with strings tied to their ends, each one waiting for me to pull that string and bring them closer for further inspection. As I sit here lost in these thoughts I can hear the birds singing their spring songs, I can feel the much warmer air outside and  I can see the tree in my front yard starting to bud. The ladybugs are out in full force, marching their way across my flowerbed and I wonder just what their plans are today. I am sure they are not nearly as complex as mine. Most likely they are thinking of getting from point A to point B in one piece and hoping to find some adequate food and shelter. Perhaps though, having to deal with constant survival is actually MORE taxing than having to wonder what to cook, or how to make a gown. We assume, because they don't have to maintain our human lifestyle, that things must be pretty easy for them and others like them. Perhaps though, without the civilities, life is actually more dramatic, more stressful and daunting. Maybe, just maybe, their lives are much harder than ours. Perhaps they all live in fear, terror that they might die at any given moment all because their surroundings are not the beauty we get to enjoy but are actually quite hostile towards them. They are constantly the easy targets of predators, they are continuously in danger of being stepped on and crushed, moved, played with and inspected by the fascination of the small children discovering their existence for the first time. They have to travel what would equate to thousands of miles to us humans just to get something to eat or find some place safe to rest. A life like this would make us so-called civilized human beings become insanely aggressive animals. So maybe all these animals that we assume have it easy because they don't have the thought patterns we are capable of, really are the ones who have it the most difficult. We just don't know, and we never will because they are not able to communicate these things to us in a manner we understand. There are so many people out there who are always complaining about the hand they have been dealt and how hard their lives are. I have been known to do it myself once or twice. This thought process really makes me feel bad for every time I have ever done so. I have WAY more opportunities available to me than that ladybug will ever have. My life is not the constant battle for survival that some of these "lesser" animals and bugs have to deal with. Food and shelter options are abundant and safe to me and I don't ever have to worry about being stepped on and crushed! So why should I get to complain? Perspective is everything and when things are looked at from a view point such as this, it really seems to change how we view our own environments, choices and opportunities and the things we consider to be too difficult to overcome.  The world can be a hostile, unforgiving place, there is no doubt about it. But instead of fearing it, or laying grievances about it, try being grateful that you are in the evolutionary position that you are in. You could have been born a ladybug.

Just To Breathe

It has been a little while since I have had the chance to sit and write. Life has been busy and there is a virus spreading its way through the population that has seemed to become attracted to me at this point in time. It has left me very tired as I try to keep up with all the requirements of my life. The multitude of relationships I am involved in, responsibilities of being a parent and a caregiver, the duties of being the one to keep the machine of house and family running as smoothly as possible, all while trying to battle the aches, pains, mental and emotional stresses of a couple chronic medical conditions can overwhelm and wear one out if there is no opportunity to break, to step back, to breathe or rest. Such as been the case for me as of late. Perhaps it is the added challenges of late that are not usually present such as this virus, upcoming events, unforeseen expenses but it has left me feeling as though I am running a marathon and although I am out of breathe, my lungs ablaze and my body screaming it's protests, I can't quite seem to catch up to a place where I can maintain an even pace. It is frustrating to say the least as many plans have had to be cancelled, commitments postponed,  daily requirements done at half the capacity (if they are done at all), and the feelings over having to do all this start to swallow me. I have a habit of taking too much on at once and I can see where I have done it yet again, but what do I allow to dissolve in order to have that space to breathe? There are things that are not negotiable to remove such as my primary functions as mother, wife and grandmother and all the little things those roles involve. I can't quit my jobs either as it would send the family income into quite the tailspin. I don't want to have to dissolve relationships that hold meaning to me either. So where is the balance and what is worth the sacrifices to allow me to breathe? I am told I am never selfish enough when it comes to myself and perhaps that is true and so maybe now is the time to be a little more selfish about what I need. I don't know how much longer I can continue to wear myself into the ground this way without serious repercussions. I have to find the balance again. Have to find myself an air pocket within all the necessities of life. It is there, someplace...I just have to find it.

To Celebrate a Ghost

It is a hard thing, to lose a sibling you were so close with. It is a wound that never heals and sometimes begins to seep at the most unexpected times for time has no bearing on the heart. True time can ease the acute pain from the loss but it does not erase what has been and is still felt. Today is my sister's birthday and I miss her just as much today as I did the day she crossed into the boundary lands. Perhaps more so for life has changed so much since that day. I have tried to honor the promise I made her to care for her girls if anything ever happened to her. Now that they are both adults, one with a child of her own, I think I can safely say that to this date I have done so. It is a double edged knife though. One moment proud of what I have done in her name and proud of the people they are becoming and the next moment wishing that she could have been here to do it herself, to experience the things that I am experiencing in her stead. I have been standing in her shadow for them for the last 12 years and these moment can be hard to endure. Now, as I sit here wishing that I could call her to wish her a happy birthday, that I could plan a party for her or take her out to celebrate in some way, I am reminded of so many moments we shared together that, at the time, did not seem so monumental and important. These moments have remained the light within the darkness of my grief and I cherish them for the healing power they have become. They are my antidote when the sorrow threatens to overtake me. I can still see her smiling at me when I had my first baby and the pride that was one her face. I can still hear her laugh herself to tears and her voice as she told me of things that either pleased her or upset her. I can still feel the way she squeezed my hand for support when she had to stand tall for her girls during a difficult moment in their lives. I can still hear the way she cried when her heart was broken and hear the pleading in her voice as she looked to me to help soothe it. I can remember countless  moments where she was pulling pranks or telling jokes and just enjoying what life had given her. I can also remember moments where we were at each others throats, in total disagreement and threatened to never speak to each other again. Those moments  were typical sibling moments and never seemed to last for very long. No matter what though, I remember that when it counted, we were always there for each other in whatever capacity we needed to be. I remember her telling me she loved me and kissing me on the cheek a week before she passed away. That moment....that moment I believe her soul knew her fate even if she wasn't aware of it. All these little moments have forged themselves into the steel that is required to get through everyday without her and today is no exception. Today, as the tears pour down my face and my grief threatens to engulf me, I put my weight on these memories in the hopes that they will help me to stand tall as they do every other time I am missing her so much. Happy Birthday my sister...

Unsettled

I had a horrible dream as I lay down to take a nap this morning. I don't think I need to go into exactly what the dream was about but just let me say that it has left me feeling very unsettled. I just want to cry, even now, hours after I have cleared the cobwebs from my eyes because the content was just so disturbing to me. The emotions of the dream are still very much haunting me. I am trying to let it go, let it wash itself away from my mind because I am a firm believer that what we think of most will become our realities, and I certainly do not want that dream to become mine. That reality would leave me broken inside and I do not even want to contemplate how life would be. It does have me thinking though about whether or not my loved ones know how much I love them. Do they know, at all times, that my love for them can sometimes be painful to me? That the thought of not having one of them in my life for whatever reason means that there would always be this chasm in my heart that could never be repaired? I have had to grieve the loss of my loved ones who have passed and I hope that I am honoring their memory with the choices I make. I think of them and sometimes I cry, sometimes I laugh or smile. But when I look to the people who are still here with me everyday and I think about my time with them being taken from me...the anguish I feel inside is enough to break me into a million pieces. Now, as I sit here typing with the ghost of that horrible dream surrounding me like a fog, I wonder if I do enough, say enough, show enough, appreciate enough and love enough. I ponder whether or not they think I have made a positive impact on their lives and if I have somehow fed their souls and helped to nurture them, even in some small way. I also begin to think of ways that I can improve those connections and relationships so that I know I have given of myself and done the very best I could to make sure those I love never have to wonder whether or not I loved them. I suppose this is my silver lining as I try and make some sort of sense out of my dream.
Namaste....I love you

To Be What It Needs To Be

I don't really know what I am doing here. Now, this is not some massive metaphysical quandary I am speaking of, but this blog. I had thought to delete every entry in here today and start again in the hopes of making it, for once and for all, what I want it to be. But there are two issues with that. The first being that I don't really know what I want to do with this little corner of cyberspace that I have declared as my own. I had thought the quotes a fantastic idea, and I still believe that I was able to really delve deep in some cases, taking from a few simple words a wealth of meaning. My hope was also to help  give inspiration to others who may have been struggling, who needed a little bit of encouragement or another way to look at something and I can only pray that in some way I was successful. However, this effort also left me feeling like I was somehow getting the short end of the stick sometimes. Instead of freely writing about what was naturally flowing within me, I was always busy trying to find words spoken by other people to try and make sense of my own tangled thoughts. The problem with doing this is that I am bypassing my own reflections to some degree because they are NOT my words that I am breaking apart to find meaning but the thoughts, feelings and opinions of another mind. Yes, I can relate to those inspirations and I can pull strength from them when my mind is grasping for something to hold on to but ultimately, to truly be able to call this space mine, these have to be my thoughts, my words, my feelings and opinions.  The second reason I have decided not to delete all posting up to this point is because it just seems like an awful waste of time, energy and thought. I may have started the entries with quotes contributed to other people but that was not what the entire blog posting was about. They were all how I  tried to interpreted these quotes into my own life and circumstances.  And so, no matter which direction this blog takes, I will leave those writings for they are a part of where I was at that particular moment in time. There is no reason that the topics and styles of the blog can't change and evolve with me, because the purpose is and always has been ME. These are my thoughts, my insights and admissions no matter if I am showing them by the quote I chose one day to break apart and interpret or the manner of letting my mind wander as I am now, letting the writing become fluid and letting it be what it needs to be. I am a work in progress, and so too shall this space be.

Namaste

The Importance of Trying

Happy Friday everyone! I can't believe that this is the last Friday of January already..it has flown by so quickly! There has been much to keep me preoccupied these last few weeks and I think I have chosen well in today's quote as a reflection of where my thought patterns are coming from today.

Today's Quote: "It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who at the worst, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat." - Theodore (Teddy) Roosevelt

I started to type today on the importance of trying, even if we don't succeed right away and I came up with a plethora of examples from politics, to science and medicine to the basic things we have come to depend on in our daily lives. These things include but are not limited to; homes that can withstand the elements, indoor plumbing and central heating, our televisions, computers and even that silicone pot holder you used to take your chocolate chip cookies out of the oven.  If we were to really take apart even the simplest things we have, know, see or experience in our lives today, other than things that we can find naturally occurring around us, everything else was the result of an idea; a simple thought that was acted upon. Now, we all have ideas but the key is that these ideas were then put into action to become what we know them to be today. The process of putting thought into action means that there was most likely  some failures, some errors made along the way that required the original idea to be tweaked until it went from thought to actually being. How tragic our lives would have been if all the amazing minds that have contributed to what we know of existence today, had given up the first time they failed. Now, some might say that these contributions to our lives were the work of exceptional minds and I would not disagree with that statement at all, however, what made them so exceptional? Was it the fact that they had the courage and determination to act on their ideas or was it a level of intelligence that gave them the idea in the first place? I tend to believe that it was the former and not the latter. ANY person can think. Any person can dream up fantastic images of things that they wish existed or a way of life they wish they could experience. That is the power of imagination and we all have one. What we do with those ideas is totally dependent on us. Not every idea is a good one and not every idea will change the world dramatically but that does not mean that we don't all have good ideas that COULD change our lives. The majority of the population, however, will not take that risk. Perhaps they think their ideas are silly, maybe they fear they are bad ideas and are so worried about it failing that they play it safe and keep the idea to themselves. Some people I am sure just feel they don't have the resources to make it a reality. Whatever the cause, it is but a small few who will continuously work to take what is in their heads and no matter how many times they may stumble, keep pushing onward until their idea has become integrated into our way of life. The same can be said for other aspects of our lives as well. This sense of determination is not limited to those who are trying to invent something, or change world policy etc. Perhaps what we are talking about here  is the idea that we can achieve a certain personal goal for ourselves and not something as dramatic as changing the way the entire world experiences their lives. This is no less important of a message for those seeking to advance their own existences, to expand their own personal knowledge and horizons and improve upon themselves. In fact, I would say that this message is even more important to those who are struggling to find a good reason to get up in the morning, to continue barreling on regardless of what life may throw in their pathways. Those in this scenario are no less intelligent or important than anyone else on the planet. My advice to you all, no matter where you are at in your lives, is to never give up, never give in and ALWAYS keep trying your best and reaching for your stars. You never know when you might discover something amazing!

Namaste

Building An Improved Model of Self

Good Morning all. I would not usually use a quote directed at a certain religious bent however this one I believe can be modified to fit anyone's beliefs. In my opinion the message it relays is far more important than any correlation between it and any one religious path.

Today's Quote: "Just in case you believe that great social problems are beyond your scope, consider this story: God said to me: Your task is to build a better world. I answered: How can I do that? The world is such a large, vast place, so complicated now, and I am so small and useless. There's nothing I can do. But God in his great wisdom said: Just build a better you." - Anonymous

 For those who know me, you all know that I am Wiccan so if I can see set aside the religious aspects of this quote and grasp the message that by being the best human being I can be, I can change my world, I think that anyone can find this quote just as inspirational. I would consider this quote to be just as profound had the conversation been between a parent/child, teacher/pupil, or any other type of relationship dynamic that exists in the world. The key, for me anyway, is not the word God. It is the overall message that we, as individual people, have the power to change the world for the better. By making ourselves into what we each consider to be good people filled with love, understanding and compassion, we directly influence those around us. If we live our lives like the entire world is watching us and using us as the example of how life should be lived, we have the opportunity to lead by good example, to show people who perhaps do not know how to live in such a way that it is possible and the bounty that comes with it. If we can influence just the people in our immediate circles, then those people influence the people in their circles and so on and so forth until before we know it, our example has been extended beyond any scope of what we conceived even possible. This is how one person CAN change the world that they exist in. Can you imagine the possibilities of this effect on a world wide scale? If every person was to build themselves to be better people than they were before? The result would be unlike anything we have ever experienced. Life would be drastically different from the one in which we all currently live.  Now, I am not saying that by doing so we can remove every single negative aspect of life. With so many unique people from different cultures and beliefs, different backgrounds and moral compasses existing on one planet together there are bound to be challenges and hardships, the clashing of ideas and opinions.  However, if each of us were working on building ourselves into better people, perhaps those troubled times would not becoming all encompassing global problems and everyone would get what they need to live their lives as peacefully and productively as possible. Becoming a better person, never mind a better species, does not happen over night. It is a process that we have to constantly be working on to improve. It requires an open mind and heart, determination, forgiveness, as well as knowledge, experience, support and education. There has to be honesty with ourselves and others, empathy, communication and a willingness to see things from another persons perspective so that we can understand our fellow human beings better and help them to improve their own circumstances. It takes a lot of hard work to build ourselves into the best people we can possibly be, but the rewards of taking the steps have the ability to change not only our own lives for the better but the entire population, one person at a time. I invite you all to become the best people you can be, to influence those around you so that the ripple effect of your productivity and hard work can enhance the lives of so many others. Even the smallest improvement can have dramatic results.

Namaste

Uprising...an everyday occurance

Wow look at me go! Two days in a row! I'm a poet and...well..ok..so I know it but that is besides the point! Yesterday's lyrical content has got me on this whole new kick and so without hesitation, I offer up the following lyrics for today's quote.

" Rise up and take the power back, it's time the fat cats had a heart attack, you know that their time is coming to an end. We have to unify and watch our flag ascend.  They will not force us. They will stop degrading us. They will not control us. We will be victorious!" Muse

This is the type of song that I listen to when I am feeling just that little bit rebellious against life in general. This is my "put that in your pipe and smoke it" song. I am almost positive that the song is talking about corporate greed and corrupt governments, however, I think the song is applicable to any situation in life where we need to just stand up for what WE believe in, instead of what we are being told to believe in. This is a song for the victims who are no longer willing to take being victimized. This could mean standing up against bullies, racism, religious persecution, sexism or any other situation where we are going against what we know is truly just and fair. Maybe you are not getting the raise you know you deserve, maybe you're tired of not being picked for a team because you know it is really just a popularity contest and has nothing to do with actual skill and maybe you just want your spouse to start doing their fair share around the house. This song fits in all circumstances because there are always times when we, as people, tend to want to scream "enough is enough". To me this is what these lyrics are all about. Taking a stand and allowing no one to use us for their own personal gain. It is about taking control of the direction our lives are going in, deciding what we will and will not tolerate and demanding the respect we are owed simply because we ARE equal to everyone else. We are all made of flesh and bone. We all think, feel and bleed just like any other person on the planet and this makes us equal. Sure, we all have different backgrounds, cultures and skills, we have not all been graced with good looks or overflowing bank accounts, but that does not make us any less human. It just makes us different. I hope you can all draw strength from these lyrics and the many other ones that are out there with similar messages. Maybe if we all started to stand up just that little bit extra for what is right, this world would become a more tolerant and beautiful place to live. 

Namaste

We Are Family...

Today's quote is the by-product of a conversation I had with someone very close to me. It yet again grabbed my attention because of the author's name, which resembles the name of my mother and my youngest daughter simultaneously.  I hope you all enjoy!

Today's Quote:

"In truth a family is what you make it. It is made strong, not by number of heads counted at the dinner table, but by the rituals you help family members create, by the memories you share, by the commitment of time, caring, and love you show to one another, and by the hopes for the future you have as individuals and as a unit." Marge Kennedy

 It is hard, sometimes, for others to understand the intricate bonds between members of a family. The way they see things is seldom the way things really are and having to explain the in's and out's of the complexities can be just as frustrating to the person telling as the person being told. The reality is that others have not been there the entirety of the relationships. They do not know of all the battles won and lost, the smiles and tears, the conversations and actions which have created the memories held close to the heart. They do not know first hand of the sacrifices and trying times, the promises kept or promises broken, nor do they know of the quiet moments where words were not needed to convey the love one feels for another. They do not know what each person has had to go through to become they people they are. No family is a perfect family and all have their own challenges which make them unique. Some families are close, others very distant. Some families are made up of other families where there is no blood link what so ever. Every family is a creation unto it self and since we perceive things based on our own knowledge and experience, sometimes it is a very difficult task to try and explain why it is you do what you do for your family. I have heard it many times before; that I give too much, allow too much and take too little for myself. My sister lovingly calls me the martyr and at first, I used to get really annoyed with her for it. Now, I see it as an honorable person to be. I will give all I am to my family, no matter the detriment to myself because without them, my world is not worth anything to me. It is really no different, in my eyes, then taking a bullet for them, stepping in front of a moving vehicle for them or any of the other numerous acceptable concepts that people tend to throw around. My family, as dysfunctionally functional as it is, is mine and even though sometimes I wish they would learn faster, try harder, be more compassionate or empathetic, stop poking at each other or any of the myriad ways they tend to try my patience, I accept them for the people they all are, faults and all. Some would no doubt shake their heads at some of the things I keep quiet about or do for my family.  I sometimes let them push me to my limits, help them when they are perfectly capable of helping themselves, or bend over backwards to get them what they desire but I do these things because it gives me pleasure to do so.  Even if at the time it is somewhat of a stress factor, the end always justifies the means. The look on their faces or the thankfulness that might not be recognizable to some but that I know without a doubt is there, makes it all worthwhile to me and means everything to me. I know what the strengths and weaknesses are of every member of my family. I know how they learn, where they have grown and where they still need to grow. I know what each is capable of and where each has struggled. I can tell just by their mannerisms  what they are feeling, how their days are going and behind the mask each of them tries to wear at various points in their lives to hide what is really going on in their worlds. I know them better than anyone in the world, see the things nobody else is privileged to see and am the one they all trust enough to ask advice from. I have been there through it all up to this date and will continue to be here for them until the day I take my last breath. Why do I do what I do or allow what I allow within my family? Because I love them more than life itself.

Random Acts of Kindness

Merry Meet! I hope you have all enjoyed your weekend. Mine was spent getting the last of the Yule/Christmas preparations completed before the holidays next week. It is going to be a very busy few days! I have to admit, today's quote was inspired by a story I read about numerous good Samaritans paying off layaway accounts for family's struggling to make the payments. I was deeply touched by the random acts of kindness these people showed to their fellow man and so I wanted to pay that forward in my own little way by sharing a quote that I find particularly inspiring, especially when I am struggling to remember why I am doing things for other people.

Today's quote: "Give cheerfully and freely. It is the energy behind the giving that matters so do not give grudgingly. The law of cause and effect guarantees that you shall receive plenty for what you give."David Cameron Gikandi

I have to own that I sometimes have a very bad habit of doing things for people, especially family,  because I feel obligated to do so. I have a tendency to look upon these "favors" as something I have to do, instead of something I want to do. I am sure I am not the only person on the planet who feels this way at one time or another. An example of this would be that I sometimes do things for my father because I feel it is my duty as his daughter, because he has done so much for me. This is not a productive line of thought and is in fact in direct contrast with what my quote states. I am working very hard to correct this character flaw in myself but sometimes it is like pulling teeth to me. I sometimes feel it is easier to do something grudgingly rather than saying "no" to someone who has asked me to help them because then I always feel guilty or feel that they will think I am selfish. In my mind, this is unacceptable because what the people I am around think of me as a person is incredibly important to me. I want to be loved, needed and generally liked. I want to be the person they know will help them if they need me to.  In my mind, saying "no" to someone who has asked something of me will give them an automatic negative view of my character. I know that it is really not this way, that people realize that perhaps I just don't have the time or the answers or whatever it is they may require from me, but it feels this way to me.  This habitual reaction is really doing more harm than good because if the behavior continues, I am going to be known as the person who will help others, but will feel "put out" to do so. This is NOT what I want people to say about my character. I want to be known as someone who gives freely to others, who is always there to lend a helping hand, who loves everyone, judges no one and who can be confided in and trusted. If you give of yourself to others because you feel you have to, the energy of that also transfers with the deed and it creates a type of pollution within the intent. Those you are doing the deed for can feel  that you are only doing it because you feel like you have to and it makes them feel horrible for having asked it of you. This is not what helping and giving means by any definition. It is not suppose to make either the giver or the receiver feel badly about the exchange and that is exactly what happens if you are not giving of yourself purely because you desire to do so, because you want to. Along this same line of thinking comes the topic of giving with the expectation of getting something back. It is no good if you expect something other than to feel good about being able to help someone out. Gifts, no matter if they are purchased or just a piece of your time, are suppose to be just that, gifts. The definition of a gift, according to freedictionary.com is something that is bestowed voluntarily and without compensation. Expecting something in return because you gave something, is not giving a gift.  I encourage you all to look at your motives the next time you decide to gift someone in some way, shape or form. Are you doing it for the right reasons? Are you both going to feel good about it before, during and afterwards? This is the season of giving and it doesn't have to cost anything in a monetary context to be able to reap the emotional and spiritual benefits that giving to others can provide. This reminder is MY gift to all of you just as surely as the story which inspired me to write this blog in the first place was a reminder, a gift, given to me.
Namaste, be blessed.