Just To Breathe

It has been a little while since I have had the chance to sit and write. Life has been busy and there is a virus spreading its way through the population that has seemed to become attracted to me at this point in time. It has left me very tired as I try to keep up with all the requirements of my life. The multitude of relationships I am involved in, responsibilities of being a parent and a caregiver, the duties of being the one to keep the machine of house and family running as smoothly as possible, all while trying to battle the aches, pains, mental and emotional stresses of a couple chronic medical conditions can overwhelm and wear one out if there is no opportunity to break, to step back, to breathe or rest. Such as been the case for me as of late. Perhaps it is the added challenges of late that are not usually present such as this virus, upcoming events, unforeseen expenses but it has left me feeling as though I am running a marathon and although I am out of breathe, my lungs ablaze and my body screaming it's protests, I can't quite seem to catch up to a place where I can maintain an even pace. It is frustrating to say the least as many plans have had to be cancelled, commitments postponed,  daily requirements done at half the capacity (if they are done at all), and the feelings over having to do all this start to swallow me. I have a habit of taking too much on at once and I can see where I have done it yet again, but what do I allow to dissolve in order to have that space to breathe? There are things that are not negotiable to remove such as my primary functions as mother, wife and grandmother and all the little things those roles involve. I can't quit my jobs either as it would send the family income into quite the tailspin. I don't want to have to dissolve relationships that hold meaning to me either. So where is the balance and what is worth the sacrifices to allow me to breathe? I am told I am never selfish enough when it comes to myself and perhaps that is true and so maybe now is the time to be a little more selfish about what I need. I don't know how much longer I can continue to wear myself into the ground this way without serious repercussions. I have to find the balance again. Have to find myself an air pocket within all the necessities of life. It is there, someplace...I just have to find it.

To Celebrate a Ghost

It is a hard thing, to lose a sibling you were so close with. It is a wound that never heals and sometimes begins to seep at the most unexpected times for time has no bearing on the heart. True time can ease the acute pain from the loss but it does not erase what has been and is still felt. Today is my sister's birthday and I miss her just as much today as I did the day she crossed into the boundary lands. Perhaps more so for life has changed so much since that day. I have tried to honor the promise I made her to care for her girls if anything ever happened to her. Now that they are both adults, one with a child of her own, I think I can safely say that to this date I have done so. It is a double edged knife though. One moment proud of what I have done in her name and proud of the people they are becoming and the next moment wishing that she could have been here to do it herself, to experience the things that I am experiencing in her stead. I have been standing in her shadow for them for the last 12 years and these moment can be hard to endure. Now, as I sit here wishing that I could call her to wish her a happy birthday, that I could plan a party for her or take her out to celebrate in some way, I am reminded of so many moments we shared together that, at the time, did not seem so monumental and important. These moments have remained the light within the darkness of my grief and I cherish them for the healing power they have become. They are my antidote when the sorrow threatens to overtake me. I can still see her smiling at me when I had my first baby and the pride that was one her face. I can still hear her laugh herself to tears and her voice as she told me of things that either pleased her or upset her. I can still feel the way she squeezed my hand for support when she had to stand tall for her girls during a difficult moment in their lives. I can still hear the way she cried when her heart was broken and hear the pleading in her voice as she looked to me to help soothe it. I can remember countless  moments where she was pulling pranks or telling jokes and just enjoying what life had given her. I can also remember moments where we were at each others throats, in total disagreement and threatened to never speak to each other again. Those moments  were typical sibling moments and never seemed to last for very long. No matter what though, I remember that when it counted, we were always there for each other in whatever capacity we needed to be. I remember her telling me she loved me and kissing me on the cheek a week before she passed away. That moment....that moment I believe her soul knew her fate even if she wasn't aware of it. All these little moments have forged themselves into the steel that is required to get through everyday without her and today is no exception. Today, as the tears pour down my face and my grief threatens to engulf me, I put my weight on these memories in the hopes that they will help me to stand tall as they do every other time I am missing her so much. Happy Birthday my sister...

The Right to Write

I had a phenomenal weekend. Locked inside a hotel room with my computer at the ready, I was able to write. I know for some this may not seem like some incredible thing, but to someone with the beginnings of four books sitting on her hard drive and no quiet or free time to focus on them, it was a blessing. I don't know how much time it will take me to continue the story that I have started, but I do know that eventually it will be completed. I have decided, however, that I hate research! Perhaps the next book will be completely make belief, that way I do not have to check for anything remotely resembling accuracy! However, the story I am writing now has not been one for that genre. It is fictional, yes, but there are certain things that must be somewhat fact within it, such as the description of locations named etc. Still, it is the part I least enjoy when writing. I much prefer to just let my mind take off and make of it what it will. Some of my best ideas are formed out of this chaotic technique. What does that say about myself? That I am someone who's mind is rarely settled I am sure. I can live with that. One does not necessarily have to have a settled mind to have an organized one. There can be a certain structure to chaos, especially when it is being channeled in a healthy manner, such as writing, music or art. For now though, I will just take time when time is allotted me and get as much of this book finished as possible. I intend it to be a best seller one day! Hope you all enjoy your weeks ahead!
Namaste

Gifts From The Heart

Today is my birthday and so far I have spent it stirring up memories of birthdays past. I think for me, the most significant birthday memory I have is the one that became a tradition in some regards. Every year on my birthday when I was a little girl, my dad did the same thing. I would come home for lunch from school and he would be sitting at the kitchen table with his cassette player at the ready and he would play and sing the following song to me.

Happy Birthday Darlin' - Conway Twitty

Hello darling, happy birthday
I've decided not to give you a present this year
In fact I think it's about time I took some things away.

I'd like to take away the suspicion
That I know clouds your world at times
By giving you some faith to hold on to, honey
Whenever your hand is not in mine.

Happy birthday darling, I've no present, no fancy cake
But I hope I'll make you happy with everything I take.

I'd like to take away some of your lonely moments
By spending more time with you
And I'd like to take away some of those so, so kisses
And replace them with ones that really say, I love you.

And I want to take away the doubt
You sometimes have about my love
By showing it more, much more than I've shown you lately
And then if someone should ask you
What I got you for your birthday
Well you can say, why he didn't give me anything
But he sure took a lot of things away.

Happy birthday darling I've no present, no fancy cake
But I hope I'll make you happy with everything I take.

Happy birthday darling I've no present, no fancy cake
But I hope I'll make you happy with everything I take.

Happy birthday, darling...

As I sit here a grown woman, many years past this experience, I still have the same feelings I used to have when he would pull me onto his lap and sing this song for me.  Even as a child I understood what the words to this song were really telling me and what the meaning was of the act he was displaying just for me. Just as I did back then when my dad would bear his soul to me in this most heartfelt way, I want to cry. We didn't have a lot of money when I was a child and this was the only gift he ever gave me for my birthday but it is the best gift a daughter could ever hope for because it came from his heart. It was his vow to me to be there for me whenever I needed him to be, to love me no matter what I might say or do and to do whatever was in his power to do to make sure I always knew how important I was in his world and that I was always happy in mine. It is these gifts, the ones that stir the soul and make the heart overflow with love, that have always meant the most to me. For my birthday this year, all I want is the same thing. I want to make the hearts of everyone I hold dear overflow. I want to make their soul's sing and dance, their faces  smile and their worlds  right themselves, even just for today. I want to share this feeling that has risen to the surface with the memory of my dad and his gift with every person I love. This is my birthday wish, my Valentine's wish, to all of you. Live, laugh and love.....especially today.
Namaste

Soul Food

I have had an awesome weekend! Tomorrow is my birthday and so the love of my life as well as another loved one got together to throw me my very first  birthday party. It was themed on one of my favorite time periods, the 80's ! There was candy from that era, movie quotes pasted to the walls on decorative foam pieces, music video's from the 80's playing on the big screen and even the decorations looked like something out of Pretty In Pink. The homemade foods and cake were delicious! The most amazing thing about it all though were the guests. Usually we are all getting together because I am throwing a party for someone or something else, so it was so touching to see everyone there to help me celebrate my own birthday. There are no words to express how much that meant to me. I loved watching the kids dance along with me to the songs I grew up dancing too and even seeing the adults get their silliness on dressing and dancing like they would have during that time in their lives. Even those who were never around in the 80's were dressed up! It was awesome to see little mini "crybabies" and pop queens:) From skater rolled jeans, to flashy gold pants, to the gothic look and good old fashion punk, the diversity of the outfits and the effort put into them was outstanding! I felt so loved and I could not have thought of a better way to celebrate than with those I love. It was magical:) There are no words that are adequate enough to thank everyone. It was definitely a soul nourishing experience. I am so very blessed.

Unsettled

I had a horrible dream as I lay down to take a nap this morning. I don't think I need to go into exactly what the dream was about but just let me say that it has left me feeling very unsettled. I just want to cry, even now, hours after I have cleared the cobwebs from my eyes because the content was just so disturbing to me. The emotions of the dream are still very much haunting me. I am trying to let it go, let it wash itself away from my mind because I am a firm believer that what we think of most will become our realities, and I certainly do not want that dream to become mine. That reality would leave me broken inside and I do not even want to contemplate how life would be. It does have me thinking though about whether or not my loved ones know how much I love them. Do they know, at all times, that my love for them can sometimes be painful to me? That the thought of not having one of them in my life for whatever reason means that there would always be this chasm in my heart that could never be repaired? I have had to grieve the loss of my loved ones who have passed and I hope that I am honoring their memory with the choices I make. I think of them and sometimes I cry, sometimes I laugh or smile. But when I look to the people who are still here with me everyday and I think about my time with them being taken from me...the anguish I feel inside is enough to break me into a million pieces. Now, as I sit here typing with the ghost of that horrible dream surrounding me like a fog, I wonder if I do enough, say enough, show enough, appreciate enough and love enough. I ponder whether or not they think I have made a positive impact on their lives and if I have somehow fed their souls and helped to nurture them, even in some small way. I also begin to think of ways that I can improve those connections and relationships so that I know I have given of myself and done the very best I could to make sure those I love never have to wonder whether or not I loved them. I suppose this is my silver lining as I try and make some sort of sense out of my dream.
Namaste....I love you

Light - Bulb

Today is hubby's birthday. Happy Birthday Iheage! I wanted to do something special for him, have a party to celebrate but he asked me not to because he wants to do something for me this year. I can accept that, I suppose. I am not especially happy about it, but it is, after all, HIS birthday and so I guess I should respect his wishes in this as I expect people to respect mine. I will let it slide this year but I truly hope he does not expect this to become the rule instead of the exception to it. I love to plan and host parties. I love to share my home and the food I have struggled to perfect with friends and family. I love to socialize when I am on my turf and just have everyone around me enjoying themselves. Maybe I should become a party planner/caterer. I have thought about it many times before. I am just not sure that I would enjoy it as much for strangers. Maybe the party planning aspect would be ok but cooking for strangers, especially with food allergies to consider, could prove to be a disaster. It is the reason I never went to culinary school after all. There are lots of things I am good at, lots of things I have considered making a career out of but there are many reasons I have not. I am really creative, but don't have the time I would need to be able to really get into something profitable. Everything I do, I do in my spare time, and there is not a lot of that. Another issue lies in boredom. Not many things can hold my attention for very long. I go through creative stages it seems. Sometimes I want to write, sometimes I want to sit at my piano, sometimes I want to sew or do a craft project, sometimes I want to cook or plan a party and sometimes I just want to exist. I also don't think most of the things I do are good enough to be paid to do them. Sure, I enjoy them, the people I do it for enjoy it...but would complete strangers want to actually PAY for them? I just don't know. I have a hard time putting a fair price on what my time is worth. I suppose I will ponder these things as I am always doing, trying to figure it all out. I keep waiting for that ever elusive light bulb to go off in my head and praying that when it does, I will be able to notice it and do something with it. I know I am a talented person. I know that I have much to offer of myself and my talents and hobbies. It's just finding the right thing at the right time to be financially successful at it. Not knowing what that is has become the bane of my existence at the moment it seems. For right now though, I am content to devote myself to my family while I continue to explore my options and find new ideas to play with. It will come to me.
Namaste...